Tuesday, November 17, 2009





Overheard the other night at the Stan household:

MRSX: (scrolling through the cable menu) “On Cinemax, there’s a movie called Cleavagefield.”

STAN: (dropping beer, charging in from kitchen) “No way! A soft-core porn parody of Cloverfield? We’ve GOT to watch it!”

MRSX: (holds remote limply, eyes glaze over)

STAN: “No, seriously, it’ll be hilarious! I can review it, and –“

MRSX: (plummets out window)

So anyway, not to be deterred, I sat down and vowed to stick with it to the bitter end, knowing that it would mean getting less than 5 hours of sleep (I average 6). But this was for a good cause, nay, the BEST cause. I couldn’t let Horrorthon down on this one. “Found footage” has “found” the niche of soft-core porn parody. These are the kind of moments upon which the wheels of history turn.

On to the plot - (pause for 5 minutes of giddy laughter). No, seriously, there is absolutely nothing in this film that isn’t fully explained by the first two syllables of the title. Special entertaining differences between this and Cloverfield:


1. The going-away party is also, of course, a slumber party, as Tiffany is off to Sweden to make a high-end porn film.

2. The moth-mites that drop off the monster have an insatiable appetite for women’s clothing. That is to say, clothing being worn at the time.

3. The girls are all trying to get back across town to save the lead blonde’s Chihuahua. (More on the Chihuahua later)

3. The monster tends to sneeze occasionally, spewing out huge volumes of green slime. Our heroines, in an extraordinary coincidence, are standing right underneath the monster’s nostrils, and find themselves soaked in green slime from head to toe.


In another coincidence that just blows the viewer’s logic circuits, there just happens to be a strip club RIGHT around the corner. With a working shower. That has JUST enough room for four naked women in it. It’s this kind of intelligent, bracketed storytelling that…oh, wait – sorry. Random sentence from my last review that has NO business being here.

4. All of the “flashback footage” that’s been “taped over” is actually just many different people having sex, some of whom aren’t even tangentially related to any of the main characters or the plot (I chuckle every time I type that word in this review). In HandsomeStan’s Pun Of The Week, I’d like to say that this footage really helps flesh out the characters.

*sound of Stan being kicked off the blog*

The movie actually scores one honestly and truly funny moment, fully separate from the crap collection of other attempts at self-aware humor (one guy has a line at some point to the effect of “We’ve all got to stay alive to make more money in the sequel!” So bad, it’s even worse than you could possibly imagine.) Anyway, the big moment comes when one set of boobs asks another, “Where’s the monster?” To which the second set of boobs replies, “Over there.” Cut to this shot:


It still makes me laugh to look at it. The implied situation, that the monster would take the time to do this, and that it’s physically possible, scores on all levels: absurdity, accurate visual parody of the leaning-building shot in Cloverfield, overall execution, and overall silliness. Alas, the moment was as small as the lead actresses’ combined IQ.


Of special note is that the human cast in the movie have apparently no qualms about taking on a role in this film. One would think there would be a trace of shame or embarrassment, something in someone’s bearing that just says, “I only did this because I’m three months late on my gas payment.” You can usually spot this look on at least one cast member of a soft-core porn. Or so I’m told. This guy I know, he watches a ton of it, and he told me.

The only place that that look of downright outward shame appears is, interestingly, on the chihuahua. The dog actually stares at the camera pointedly as if to say “You and I both know this is a terrible, terrible choice.”


This is the sort of movie that will almost certainly end up as the sole surviving artifact of humanity. A future alien explorer, Gorblox or otherwise, rummages through a pile of charred, twisted rubble. Pulls out a worn, beaten DVD. Wipes away the dust on the cover to reveal: “Cleavagefield.”


Imagine, for a moment, the untold millions of years that humanity has struggled to walk upright, invent fire, make and use tools, expand its intelligence, become self-aware. Humanity took countless eons to grow incrementally from simple primates into fantastically complex beings with the ability to explore neighboring planets and peer into the subatomic fabric of very universe itself.

Quantum physics? Check. Vaccines? Check. Interplanetary travel? Check. Cleavagefield? Check. As Nature’s final joke on us, this movie will be how we are remembered as a species. Just wait.

[EPILOGUE: MrsX didn’t REALLY jump out the window. Here’s some excerpted quotes from her viewing experience:

“This is like Ugly People Fucking Hour.”

“He still has his socks on!”

“Oh, what do you know – no penis!” (when observing daylight between two thrusting crotches)

STAN: “I can only imagine the casting for this movie.”

MRSX: “I don’t think they did.”]


Catfreeek said...

Hilarious! I was trying to copy & paste my favorite quote but there are just too many. The whole review is hysterical and the monster, hahaha. It looks like Puff the Magic Dragon.

HandsomeStan said...

Thanks, Cat - I thought I rushed this one a bit.

SPOILER WARNING: The final shot of the movie is the girls all starting to take their clothes off in a "safe" apartment. The camera then pans over to the other window, where the monster appears. The monster pauses, looks right at the camera, WINKS, gives a thumbs-up, and moves off. Credits.

And you wouldn't believe how long the credits were.

Octopunk said...

Wow, you actually found a monster goofy enough that I'd actually choose to watch the Cloverfield monster instead.

Indeed, there are many good lines in this review. But my favorie is MrsX's: “This is like Ugly People Fucking Hour.”

I also love the idea of lampooning the "stuff that was on the tape before" device. It's almost like the joke applies to the real Cloverfield, and I can imagine the night of the attack being broken up by footage of very intoxicated Jason and Hud writing obscenities on Rob's passed-out face.

HandsomeStan said...

That's the thing, Octo - for all of the obvious sheer terribleness (but not unwatchable-ness) of this movie, it treads dangerously close on a couple occasions to actual Irreverently Funny Satire Land.

Usually, though, that treading was tackled to the floor by gratuitous soft-core sex, or scenes with involved, informative dialogue that were filmed entirely without the perceived need to photograph anyone's face. At one point, the boobs became their own characters, with disembodied voices emoting key dialogue and plot points.

There was one strangely brilliant bit where one of the "soldiers" that they come across "debriefs" the quartet.

It's done as a montage, with his questions to each of them being cut together with each of their answers to that same question, and honestly, it has the feel of a Howard Stern interview with a stripper or porn star, where he's playing some "How Dumb Is The Pornstar" game or whatever.

The strange part is that it feels REAL, almost like outtakes, because the girls' responses are at best, retarded, and at worst, things you would expect a plant would say, if a plant could talk. ("Spell 'Cat'." etc)

Still, though, only two Gretchens. It got an extra one for the "Buildings-Tied-Together" shot.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Is there anything hotter than chicks getting covered in monster snot? I suspect not.

JPX said...

Stan, every day since you posted this I have been laughing every time I see the "humiliated" dog. Fantastic review, my friend.

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