Oh my motherlovin' GOD. I just got back from what I thought was going to be a hodgepodge of ridiculous, mal-formed, boring crap (based solely on the two posts on this blog) and it turns out everyone who hates this movie is WRONG.
Well, maybe not, and here's why. At a certain point, just after the last of the four huge fantasy set-piece sequences ends (girls fighting robots), the whole thing goes bizarrely south like you wouldn't believe. The questionable story choices render the closing narration irredeemably cheesy, and also the opening narration sequence although you didn't know how cheesy when you first heard it, which in turn kinda badly torques your feelings about the main character and possibly, well, the entire movie. Or do they? I really can't say any more, but I see why people don't like it.
I'll have to write a fuller review later because I have to go to bed, but do yourself a favor and spend the money and see this on IMAX as soon as you can. There may be things you don't like about it but there ARE FUCKING MONSTER NINJAS AND STEAMPUNK WWI GERMAN ZOMBIES AND A FUCKING DRAGON CHASING A GODDAMN B-52 BOMBER WITH VANNESSA HUDGEN'S CLEAVAGE HANGING OUT THE BACK OF IT! WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING WAITING FOR???????
Seriously, the answer to "how can a movie have all that stuff and fail" is: It can NOT fail.