Yeah, I neither know nor care who won the Oscars, except for our boy Heath Ledger, but I thought a movie-themed story would be fun today.
Modified rules for today’s contest:
Write an ending to the story beginning below. Short or long, funny or serious, whatever you like! Deadline for entries is 10am Tuesday EST, because I got a late start posting this and don’t want to penalize people with different work schedules, so a 24 hour window seems fair. No matter how difficult, I will choose a winner by 10pm Tuesday night.
Happy writing everyone!
Write an ending to the story beginning below. Short or long, funny or serious, whatever you like! Deadline for entries is 10am Tuesday EST, because I got a late start posting this and don’t want to penalize people with different work schedules, so a 24 hour window seems fair. No matter how difficult, I will choose a winner by 10pm Tuesday night.
Happy writing everyone!
______________________________________________________
Jellinek stood at the head of the conference table. All eyes were turned toward him as he ranted. “It’s these damn nerd kids today, with their comic books and their fantasy stories. It’s ruining our business. Harry Potter? Lord of the Rings? X-Men? They’re killing us! Have you seen Variety today? The Dark Knight made a fucking billion in sales!” Wilson tried to soothe the big boss. “We’ve had our new geek division brainstorming all week. They’re ready to pitch their ideas whenever you’re ready.” Jellinek frowned. “I’m not taking pitches from any asshole kids.” “These aren’t kids,” piped up Tingley. “They’re adults, from all different walks of life. Some of them aren’t even in the business, but they know their stuff. We had to do something to tap into this market.”
Jellinek selected a third donut and settled back into his executive chair. “Fine. They can take a shot at it. But they’d better have some fan-fucking-tastic movie ideas, or gentlemen, by next Oscar season we’ll all be looking for new jobs.” The big man buzzed the receptionist. “Jillian, send ‘em in.”
Jellinek stood at the head of the conference table. All eyes were turned toward him as he ranted. “It’s these damn nerd kids today, with their comic books and their fantasy stories. It’s ruining our business. Harry Potter? Lord of the Rings? X-Men? They’re killing us! Have you seen Variety today? The Dark Knight made a fucking billion in sales!” Wilson tried to soothe the big boss. “We’ve had our new geek division brainstorming all week. They’re ready to pitch their ideas whenever you’re ready.” Jellinek frowned. “I’m not taking pitches from any asshole kids.” “These aren’t kids,” piped up Tingley. “They’re adults, from all different walks of life. Some of them aren’t even in the business, but they know their stuff. We had to do something to tap into this market.”
Jellinek selected a third donut and settled back into his executive chair. “Fine. They can take a shot at it. But they’d better have some fan-fucking-tastic movie ideas, or gentlemen, by next Oscar season we’ll all be looking for new jobs.” The big man buzzed the receptionist. “Jillian, send ‘em in.”
29 comments:
*crickets chirping*
ok, if you're wanting to write but hating on the topic, feel free to pick up where hero and gretchen left off last week, presumably about to meet in the afterlife (aka miko's idea).
I tried posting a comment but had blogger woes earlier. I just finally caught up with last week. Great stuff AC!
Whirlygirl you are one sick monkey.
I'm in the middle of it...
Whirlygirl has been asking me to participate in Finish It Mondays since Miko proposed it. Although I really dig the idea and I love what people are writing I don't foresee participating myself. Haiku Hump Day works well for me because I often only have a few free minutes between clients/chart notes, which is the perfect amount of time to write a haiku. However, I know that realistically I'm not going to have enough time to come up with something original and interesting for Finish It Mondays. Keeping the blog updated takes up most of my free time in the early morning.
Plus, I suck at creative writing.
I've been chewing on this since I read it early this afternoon. I love the start, love the concept and totally get where it needs to go. Unfortunately my poor old battered, mistreated brain just isn't complying at the moment.
Maybe finish it Monday needs to have a longer time limit for those of us who might need to let the concept brew in our overworked brains for a few extra hours or overnight. What do you guys think?
I accidentally wrote Jellinek as a woman and then it was too late to switch back. *Clears throat*
The door opened and an exceptionally large, balding man emerged with a vulnerable yet self satisfied smile. A faint smell of low quality pork burritos wafted in the air. Jellinek was immediately taken aback by her instant hatred of this man. Though she deserved her reputation of the hard ass who refused to mince words, she had never experienced such a sudden, all consuming disdain before. "Hate is such a strong word", she thought. "But not nearly strong enough to describe how I feel about this fuckface sonovabitch."
"Clarence Bottoms is the name!" he announced with the kind of enthusiasm that only a fat guy in a KISS t-shirt is capable of mustering. "And have I ever got an idea for you!" Jellinek reached for the nearest blunt object which happened to be a stapler. She envisioned hurling it at his doughy head and pondered how much damage the mere stapler could inflict. In her favorite scenario, the stapler would dangle from his bleeding temple as he whimpered, crushed.
"He doesn't actually have any super powers though, that's the catch!" Clarence chuckled at his own perceived cleverness.
Jellinek was too distracted to absorb the entire "Bacon Man" pitch but she got the gist. A humble chef with a heart of gold (transparantly Clarence's ideal vision of himself) believes that bacon gives him super powers. He beats his enemies with a frying pan, wears underwear on the outside and accidentally kills his sidekicks dubiously named "Hash Brown", "Flap Jack" and "Side of Eggs". Jellinek sighed audibly. So this is what the people want. This is the collective mind of the country.
"In conclusion it's kind of a romantic comedy action flick but with a twist, you know?" He then hiccuped, accidentally belched and then politely excused himself. Tingley was unable to conceal his look of horror.
The Adventures of Bacon Man was successful beyond comprehension. Jellinek made more money in the next 2 years than she could spend in five lifetimes. But underneath it all she was never able to shake that nagging feeling that she should have thrown the stapler.
jpx, i don't buy it. surely you could cough up a line or two, and it would be good anti-perfectionism exposure. besides, doesn't the triple-donut eating "big man" remind you of anybody from our distant past? get a nice brief revenge fantasy going! :)
cat, i'd love to read what you have in mind, whenever it gels for you. of course we'd have to retitle the competition accordingly.
jsp i don't mind a little poetic license re jellinek's gender. i haven't stopped laughing about the classic lines:
"Clarence Bottoms is the name!" he announced with the kind of enthusiasm that only a fat guy in a KISS t-shirt is capable of mustering.
and
"He doesn't actually have any super powers though, that's the catch!" Clarence chuckled at his own perceived cleverness.
better still, i know you have the artwork to back up the story. hope this excellent entry inspires our bloggy brothers and sisters to get in the game as well.
I think I know what AC was getting at. I'm going to write in screenplay form (or my version of it).
The double doors open and the hallway is hazy with smoke and strange, blue light. TINGLEY looks confused and apprehensive, when he's suddenly frightened by OCTOPUNK emerging from the smoke, smiling and shaking his hand.
OCTOPUNK is wearing a hat that looks like an octopus, light purple and fuzzy, with blinking white lights adorning it. The hat comes down over his eyes, forming glasses that are green and luminous. As he speaks, he whips his head around, batting TINGLEY with fuzzy purple tentacles. He is wearing a silver spangly ringmaster's uniform
OCTOPUNK: Sirs! Madams! This is your pop culture wake up call! Prepare for re-Neducation Horrorthon style!
JELLINEK: (standing, turning red) What the HELL is TH--
He is cut off by OCTOPUNK, who pushes a stunned TINGLEY into a chair and points his right hand at JELLINEK, revealing a Road Warrior style hand-mounted crossbow. The bolt fires and spears JELLINEK's donut, a cream donut, which is ripped from his hands to splatter on the window behind him.
OCTOPUNK: (cheerfully) Lesson as follows!
JELLINEK sinks into his chair, mouth open. A small dollop of cream sits unnoticed on his cheek. Behind him, the cream-covered crossbolt is embedded in the window. When JELLINEK's bulk drops into the chair, the spiderweb of cracks in the glass grows larger.
OCTOPUNK: Zombies! Zombies are very popular!
CATFREEEK, 50PAGEMCGEE, DESROC2 and MIKO564 lurch into the room in full zombie glory, trailing smoke behind them. They proceed to amble around the room with their arms out in front of them, groaning. MIKO564 has an arm stump, and every once in a while a thick gout of dark red goop shoots out of it
OCTOPUNK: Don't forget to make your movies smart!
JORDAN flies into the room dressed as a spaceman from the Discovery from 2001 A Space Odyssey, without the helmet. Immune to gravity, he reels drunkenly about on the ceiling, laughing.
JORDAN: Open the pod bay doors, Hal! Hahahahaha!
OCTOPUNK: Star Wars! Yes, Star Wars!
JPX and WHIRLYGIRL enter the room in the middle of a fierce lightsaber battle. WHIRLYGIRL is wearing a Leia slavegirl costume and JPX is wearing a battle-damaged Darth Vader costume, except it has no pants. He's just wearing a pair of tight blue bvds.
OCTOPUNK: Did I mention there's also fast zombies?
The zombies stop their sedate lurching and start tearing around the room. DESROC2, dressed as a chef, suddenly notices the butcher's cleaver he's carrying and starts hacking up the potted plant he just lurched into. JPX and WHIRLYGIRL take their duel to the conference table, just missing getting bonked in the head by a light fixture that JORDAN just dislodged
OCTOPUNK: Comic books are where it's at!
JULIE and DANA'S BRAIN enter the room, brandishing weapons that light up and make loud "BEEOOOOO BEEOOOO" noises. JULIE is wearing a silver spangled minidress, tall plexiglass platform shoes and a Dale Arden style crown (like in her old avatar, but silver). Her weapon is a long, clear plastic spear. DANA'S BRAIN is wearing a white minidress and matching go-go boots. The collar on her dress is two whole feet high, to accent her GIANT BRAIN which is visible under it's clear glass cover. Her weapon is a white and silver pistol that's about three feet long
OCTOPUNK: Buckets of blood!
JOHNNY SWEATPANTS comes running into the room. Although a hockey mask and William Shatner Halloween mask hang from his belt, he has opted for the pillowcase over his head, topped by the Freddy Kreuger hat. He wears a red and green sweater, one sleeve terminating in a knife glove and the other hand seemingly replaced by a chainsaw. Hooked around both wrists are the handles of huge steel buckets the size of garbage cans. He comes to an abrupt stop at the foot of the conference table and a tidal wave of blood gushes from each bucket, covering the table and everyone sitting at it. JPX and WHIRLYGIRL leap out of the way just in time to opposite sides of the table. This is too much for TINGLEY, who gasps and moves for the door, only to be foiled when JOHNNY SWEATPANTS sticks on of buckets on top of him so that only his legs show. TINGLEY runs sharply into the edge of the door and turns and runs blindly in the other direction. JOHNNY SWEATPANTS fires up his chainsaw and starts gouging the walnut paneling.
OCTOPUNK: Fantasy rules the roost!
LANDSHARK and NOWANDZEN enter the room dressed as hobbits in hooded cloaks. They survey the mayhem. CATFREEEK picks up the coffee machine she's been destroying and throws it at the bucket-covered TINGLEY, who turns and runs in the other direction. JOHNNY SWEATPANTS keeps pulling severed heads from somewhere and rolling them on the table, making executives flinch. JULIE and DANA'S BRAIN are using their weapons to push a laughing JORDAN across the ceiling. JPX and WHIRLYGIRL are once again on the blood-covered table, and everywhere blood-covered executives are menaced and petrified. JELLINEK is still agog at the head of the table. We see TINGLEY behind him collide with the cracked section of window, cracking it further before continuing on his way. The blob of cream falls off JELLINEK's cheek. LANDSHARK and NOWANDZEN share a look, wonderingly futily how they can contribute.
OCTOPUNK: I say RULES the ROOST!
Behind Octopunk the last of the smoke fades, revealing HANDSOME STAN riding atop a gigantic spider. He's wearing his Kingdom Come Superman shirt and talking into a walkie talkie. LANDSHARK and NOWANDZEN stare fixedly at the spider's slathering jaws. TINGLEY ambles past them, and without taking their eyes off the spider the two hobbits plunk him down in his original chair and remove the bucket before darting under the table. TINGLEY's eyes adjust to the light just in time for him to see the spider leaning towards him, then it is clutching his body in its giant mandibles. HANDSOME STAN yanks on the spider's reins and it starts stomping around the room, smashing unoccupied chairs.
OCTOPUNK: Always eat your vegetables!
AC cartwheels into the room dressed like Trinity from The Matrix. MIKO564 lowers his remaining hand to the right height and springing from that AC does three aerial somersaults and lands on the table right in front of JELINEK. She unloads a bucket of vegetables onto his person while he blinks dumbfounded.
OCTOPUNK: And everybody loves a pie fight!
Every Horrorthoner except JPX and WHIRLYGIRL suddenly pulls a pie out of nowhere and hurls it at the face of the nearest executive. JORDAN produces two, both of which strike JELLINEK at the same time as AC's. JPX and WHIRLYGIRL stop dueling and stand back-to-back in the middle of the table. OCTOPUNK and 50PAGEMCGEE throw their pies at the pair, who each slice the oncoming pies in half with their lightsabers. All four pie halves nail an executive in the face.
HORRORTHONNERS: HORRORTHOOOOOOOON!!!
All the HORRORTHONNERS turn and start to exit, laughing and hooting
AC: Oh, and by the way, we cashed your fucking check!
AC cartwheels down the table and backflips out of the room. The spider spits TINGLEY out and he lands on the table in front of JELLINEK, covered in slime. JORDAN produces two more pies and flings them both at TINGLEY before floating out. OCTOPUNK bows quickly and tears down the hall after the rest.
All the executives sit looking at the door, speechless. Then, one by one, they turn to look at JELLINEK. For a second he trembles noiselessly, and then starts to yell.
JELLINEK: Nooooooo!!!
His scream is drowned out by the noise of the glass exploding behind him, as with an explosive decompression. He is sucked out the window and the executives all struggle to reach the door against the vicious wind. Blood, heads and whipped cream fly off them into the void.
We cut outside and see JELLINEK falling to the street below. His collides with some telephone wires that catch him across his midsection in three places. The wires stretch and slow his fall, so that he stops a few inches above the ground. Uncovering his eyes, JELLINEK has a moment to laugh in relief that his fall was broken, then the wires snap back upwards with such force that they slice straight through his body and drop him on the pavement. For a moment there is no sign of damage, and then the three cut-lines start bleeding profusely, and a large pool of blood begins to expand beneath him. As we close up on this scene, we hear laughter and see the feet of the HORRORTHONNERS running past the body, tracking footprints from the widening pool of blood.
OK...here's the thing...I am on a trip to S. Carolina, and drove through W Virginia and Virginia yesterday. I logged on this morning to second Cat's request, and ask for an extension...then I saw Octo's submission.
I give. I bow down to his nerdy greatness...brilliant.
Now I am going to spend the rest of the day thinking of our Horrorthon ladies in their respective Octo-given outfits...like I said, brilliant.
JSP~Way to work Bacon Man into this, hilarious! Now I feel motivated to start working on the comic again. I still have to wonder how the hell we ever came up with that name, sheer brilliance. For the record, I think a Bacon Man film would be an instant cult classic.
Octo~I just read your piece and I can't stop laughing.
Sorry, started a new job and haven't had time to write much. I will definitely try to get some in when I can.
masterful work octo! i am truly afraid i won't be able to keep myself from laughing at inappropriate times today (eg while with a suffering patient- they don't tend to buy "i'm laughing with you").
and i have more insight into "miko's choice" from last week. even with only two entries to choose from (i wish there were more, folks!) this would be a tough call. each are perfect in their own way.
Mine's more perfect though.
Bah! Giant spiders are the yardstick of all great literature.
I couldn't agree more with Octo. However, "Bacon Man" did have Bacon Man...
I've also been swamped with work and life-planning activities. There's a chance I could become a West Coast Horrorthonner in the coming weeks, and I'm planning accordingly.
I second (third?) the motion to extend the timeline.
Thanks for putting me on a spider, Octo!
Yeah, thanks Octo for giving me something with considerably more substance than a pie to throw at Tingley.
So if we're going to extend the time frame what is the cut off on getting your story in?
Wow,awesome, Octo, and JSP I'll suppose I'll mention that yours was funny even though you called me a sick monkey. I would have loved to contribute something, but with dealing with my stupid broken car again, work, and studies, I haven't had a moment to write anything.
I meant that as a compliment Whirlygirl.
I have missed the deadline and really have no excuse that JSP wouldn't tear to shreds. Both entries are amazing. Although (sorry, JSP) I give this one to Octo. What's funny was when I first read AC's beginning I was trying to think about how to work it into a Horrorthon involved plot. Boy am I glad I didn't try that one!!
utterly selfishly, since i just want to read more endings, may i propose a friday noon cutoff? that way wednesday can still be all about haikus, but anyone with ideas for the story can still participate.
Terrific stuff, JSP! You had me at, "A faint smell of low quality pork burritos wafted in the air." Your obsession with morbidly obese fanboys fits in perfectly here - nice that he was wearing a KISS shirt. Might I suggest that it's a KISS without makeup tee-shirt, perhaps from the Asylum tour?
Oh my god, Octo, I finally had time to read this and I'm speechless! When the hell did you have time to whip this up? It’s hilarious and extra fun because you made us all characters in the story. I’ve said this many times on this blog, I envy people with talent. I wish I could write creatively. I agree with whoever said all the women should wear the costumes you describe – Whirlygirl, I’m going to get you a Slave Leia outfit.
JPX, if you get it then I'll wear it.
The doors flew open revealing a crowd of men and women chatting feverishly amongst each other. The group quietly waddled in and anxiously waited for someone to address them. Jellinek silently looked them up and down, and then with a look of disgust addressed Tingley.
“Tingley, where the hell did you find these freaks, Wal-Mart?” he shouted.
“No, sir, please, just give them a chance.”
“Fine! You, over there, with the greasy hair, what do you have to say for yourself?”
The boy nervously looked at Jellinek, who was incessantly tapping his fingers on the desk.
“Well,” shouted Jellinkek.
“I, ah…ah…I,” the boy began mumbling.
“You, well, what? Spit it out you ingrate.”
“My…mmm, mmmy nnn…name…my name is Jjjj.”
“I don’t have time for this crap,” yelled Jellinek as he threw a book at the boy. “Tingley, get him out of here, and…and get him into some speech classes for Christ’s sake, the kid sounds like a fucking retard.”
Wilson quickly dashed over to Jellinek and whispered something in his ear.
“What! What! I’ll say whatever the hell I want. Lawsuits,” he laughed.
Tingley escorted the boy out who now appeared to have a wet spot in the crotch of his pants.
“Who’s next, and I better here from someone who can speak.”
“I have an idea that will totally hit the jackpot,” said a girl wearing rolled jeans, converse, and a Knight Rider t-shirt.
“Go ahead, please,” replied Tingley.
“Thanks, man. Alright, picture this, Knight Rider: The Next Generation.”
“There’s already a remake of Knight Rider. Next!” howled Jellinek hastily.
“No, man, I’m not talking about no remake, I’m talking about a sequel, and not like any of them other crappy ones. Picture it, the car’s named KATT instead of KITT, and instead of Michael, you got a chick driving the car, like Angelina Jolie. She’s hot.”
“I’ve heard enough! The whole damn thing’s preposterous! yelled Jellinek.
“But that chick Angelina can make anything shine,” the girl retorted.
“I can tell you with absolute certainty that Angelina Jolie would never accept a part in such rubbish.”
“The Octo Mom might though, sir,” piped Wilson.
“Shut-up! he barked back. “And you, young lady, thanks for coming in, but, well, to be honest, your idea stinks.”
She turned to leave when Wilson quickly waved her to stay.
“May I have a word with you, sir, “said Wilson to Jellinek.
“Make it snappy, and then we better think about wrapping this up because it looks like we’re out of donuts.”
The room remained generally quiet aside from Wilson’s whispers, Jellinek’s occasional outbursts, and the girl making car noises.
“No, I’m not going to consider it,” yelled Jelllinek “No! We can do better. We need to find a group with talent, not these misfits. Tingley, you’re fired, Wilson, you’re going to be in charge of finding me people with some god damn talent.”
“I can play Angelina’s part,” said the girl.
“You can’t fire me,” shouted Tingley. “I have a contract,” he said joyfully.
“I’d wipe that gleeful smirk off your face, dummy, because we’re all going to be out of a contract when all three of our asses get tossed on the street.”
“That’s precisely why we need to consider the Knight Rider proposal, sir,” said Wilson.
“I’ll play Angelina,” said the girl again.
“We’re not considering it, end of discussion.” He abruptly picked up the phone receiver. “Jillian, go get me some more god damn donuts.” He slammed down the phone and paused slightly. “Alright, who’s next?”
Excuse me, excuse me, said a distant voice in the crowd. As the voice grew louder, several of the men and women were abruptly tossed through the air like duckpins in a bowling alley.
“What the hell’s going on in here,” Jellinkek screamed.
“I don’t know, said Wilson
“Earthquake maybe, said Tingley.
As the bodies kept flying, creating an open space, an extremely short pudgy woman with dark black hair, and thick lens glasses in a wonder woman suit emerged. She walked with her back hunched over, while her long manly arms hung stiffly by her side. One of them was forcefully swinging a large black pocketbook with every step she made. She continued moving towards Jellinek, Wilson, and Tingley, sending the Knight Rider girl soaring across the room with a quick tap of the purse. As she reached Jellinek, the bag just inches from his face, Wilson dove in front taking the brunt of it.
“Who the hell is this maniac? Tingley you’re a dead man!” hollered Jellinek.
“Hi, gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself. The names Shotgun,” said the lady as she reached her hand to shake Jellinek’s, who at first hesitated but finally accepted. “I have one heck of a hand shake don’t I, sir?”
“Quite, I think you’re breaking my knuckles.”
“Sorry, sir. Let me tell you why I’m here. I like to get right down to business. As a business man I’m sure you can appreciate that.”
“Yes, of course.”
“Let me begin with a story from my childhood.”
“Your dead, Tingley,” mumbled Jellinek.
“Honestly, I’ve never seen her before,” he whispered back.
“Gentlemen, please, may I begin? I assure you it’s highly relevant to the script that I’ll in a moment propose to you.”
“Go ahead, quickly,” Jellinek said to her.
“You may find it difficult to imagine, but as a child I was not what you’d call a pretty girl.”
“I’m falling on the floor in dismay,” said Jellinek.
“Often the other kids would make fun of me, and steal my glasses. I wanted to disappear, and so I dug a hole in the woods behind the school, and I’d lie in it during recess. I was miserable lying in that hole, counting down the minutes to when I could come out and not have to be afraid and alone. Then all that changed when I caught a glimpse of Wonder Woman on someone’s shirt one day. I could tell that no one messed with this woman, and I needed to become like her. During recess, I sat in my hole educating myself on her splendor. I wore a costume that I made, and trained myself to be a warrior. My days were filled with—”
“Ugh, the fuckin’ winin’! Move over shorty,” said an extremely tall woman with a missing front tooth dressed as Elvira.
“Who the hell are you,” snapped Jellinek.
“Oops, where are my manners. I’m the enchanting Maryann, but you can call me Mistress.”
“Are you here to give us a pitch,” inquired Wilson.
“Oh, I sure am boys, and hold on to your seats, cuz I’ll send yous fallin’ to the floor.”
“Sure, why the hell not. Clearly we’re not going to be hearing any brilliant ideas today, and it will give you a little longer to live Tingley, before I strangle the life out of you with my bare hands,” said Jellinek.
“I’ve never seen her before either,” Tingley responded defensively.
“Do you mind, Shotgun,” asked Wilson politely.
“No, let the crack whore speak because I know my idea will trump hers anyway.”
“Okay, so you gots this woman, ah, let’s say she looks, ah, like me. You know, a tall beauty,” she says as Jellinek rolls his eyes. “And, ah, she fights crime, yup, she keeps the streets clean of the bad peoples, and then she um, she eats supper at lots a nice restaurants.”
“How does she slay the bad peoples? Does she screw them to death,” laughs Shotgun.
“You wanna see, you little freak midget, I’ll throws your ugly ass out that window over there.”
“Try it, skank, and I’ll show you what Wonder Woman is really capable of.”
“That’s it, who the hell are the two of you,” shouted Tingley. I’ve never seen either of you before, and I interviewed and selected everyone here.”
“True, this is the first time we’re meeting. I saw the ad on Craigslist, replied Shotgun.
“You advertised on Craigslist, Tingley, you fucking moron,” screeched Jellinek.
“And I overheard her talkin’ ‘bout it,” Maryann piped in.
“Overheard her? Where? Do you two know each other,” Jellinek asked.
“I’ve never entirely believed it, but I’ve been told that Maryann is my sister.”
“You’re sisters, oh, that explains a lot,” Jellinek said with a smirk.
“Twins, actually,” Maryann added.
“Oh, this is even better,” smiled Jellinek. “I get it, it’s like the movie Twins with Schwarzenegger and Devito,” he looks at Maryann and then at Shogun, well, except neither of you got the good parts,” he said with a loud chuckle.
“Why did you have to remind me that we’re twins, slut, it’s bad enough that we’re sisters,” Shotgun yelled.
“You, ugh, what about me? It makes me depreciate havin’ a butt ugly freaky sis like you. I could a had a modelin’ career or somethin’, but every time I tell ‘em I got a twin, course they wanna know about you, cuz they like twins in the modelin’ industry, like them gum commercials and stuff.”
“That never happened, Maryann. We all know that you’re a pathological liar.”
“You’re lyin,’ freak!”
“You just won’t accept that you’re not pretty enough.”
“I hate you, you…you, retarded dwarf,” she said as she stomped on Shotgun’s foot.
“Get that amazon foot off of me,” she screeched and then smacked her with her purse.
“You’ve always been jealous cuz daddy liked me better, and thinks yous an ugly turd.”
“You want to throw down right now, hoe bag?”
“I’ll crush ya with my pinky, ya hideous dwarf.”
“This is superb,” says Jellinek as the sisters argue. “Shotgun and Maryann, I love it.” He makes a square with his hands to frame the woman. “Do you see where I’m going with this gentlemen?”
“I think so,” Wilson responds.
“A movie about the two of them,” asks Tingley.
“With them,” says Jellinek.
“And will they wear the Wonder Woman and Elvira costumes, sir,” inquires Wilson.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way, Wilson, and Tingley, you’re a genius! I take back every rotten thing I ever said about you, well, at least until the next time you piss me off. ”
“I accept,” says Tingley.
“We’re going to be filthy fucking rich, gentlemen. Where are those donuts? We could celebrate with donuts if there were ever any god damn donuts around when you need them,” complained Jellinek.
“You want to see what Wonder Woman is made of, whore? I’ll fucking show you,” she yells as she pulls a gun out of her purse.
“Oh my god! What are you doing,” shouts Tingley.
“I’m sure you two can work this out. Let’s sit and talk about this rationally, and put the gun away,” pleaded Wilson.
“Come on, gentlemen, this is all part of the entertainment. This little lady isn’t going to shoot anybody,” Jellinek says calmly.
“Oh, that’s where you’re wrong. They don’t call me shotgun for nothing,” she says and then quickly points the gun at Maryann and fires, leaving the men with looks of fright across there faces, and all spectators running out of the room in horror. “Sorry boys, I usually like to let my victims suffer, but with all these witnesses, I need to wrap this up quick.”
“What do you mean,” asks Tingley with a shaky voice.
“I mean this,” she says and then instantly shoots Tingley and Wilson right between the eyes, and Jellinek a moment later in the heart.
The room is silent for a moment, the smell of death and gunpowder fill the air. Shotgun places the gun back in her purse, and then walks towards the door, pausing just as she reaches it.
“You coming or what, slut? The police will be here any second.”
“Yeah, I was just taking a quick cat nap, Maryann relied. So when do I get to play Shotgun.”
“When you’re as good a shot as me. Come on, let’s make a run for it.”
They quickly run out the door, down the long hallway, and then out of view as the sound of sirens loudly blare.
Haha, awesome Whirlygirl. I feared you were going to play it violence-free. I should have known better when you introduced "Shotgun".
Good one Whirly, way to pick up the ball and run with it.
Whirly inspired me:
The door suddenly bursts open revealing a group of dorks, sporting ear to ear grins on their faces. Each of them is wearing a different ridiculous costume. Jellinek rolls his eyes, turns back toward Tingley and says, “Please tell me this is a joke. Is it April fool’s day or something?”
Tingley, obviously in shock just stares back at him wide eyed with mouth gaping. Wilson jumps in, “Okay gentlemen, lets here your pitches.”
Jellinek shoots the stink eye at Wilson but it’s too late to stop them now, they file into the office huddled together like a band of misfit toys. A lanky zit-faced man sporting a cat suit steps out from the pack. He licks his cracked, severely chapped lips and opens his mouth to speak exposing a set of choppers so yellow you wondered if he even knew what a toothbrush looked like. “So, um, we have this super-hero called, uh, Crazy Cat Lady. She, uh, wears a cat suit and dozens of cats follow her around, um, and like she like throws cats at bad guys and like they claw peoples eyes out and stuff like that. “
Jellinek looks at him with utter disbelief; “You gotta be fucking kidding me!” He turns to Tingley and shouts, “You sir, are a fucking idiot!”
Wilson jumps in, “Next!”
The cat-suited goober steps back and an emaciated, pasty-faced gent begins trudging forward wearing swim fins, a scuba mask and a Speedo. Jellinek’s entire head turns bright red, he looks like a teakettle about to blow. He clenches his chubby little fists and screams, “That’s it! Just look at this moron! You expect to find a million-dollar idea from one of these freaks?!”
Just then a short man with an enormous ass forces his way through the costumed huddle. He’s wearing what appears to be wrestling tights and a sequenced facemask. He boldly announces, “Haha, I’m the human flame-thrower! Then bends over aiming his gigantic buttocks at Jellinek. He whips out lighter, reaches behind himself and sparks it. The utter horror on Jellinek’s face reveals all, he knows what is coming but he’s backed up against his desk and there’s no escaping it. The mock wrestler lets loose the most obnoxious fart, which is immediately ignited by the flame poised to receive it. The blaze shoots outward with incredible speed igniting Jellinek‘s toupee. He’s so shocked he doesn’t realize what has happened. Wilson snatches the flaming rug from Jellinek’s head and tosses it toward the window catching the designer drapes on fire. The fire alarm begins blaring and the sprinkler system engages drenching the entire office with cold water. Everyone is stunned. The masked farter remains frozen in his previous position with his ass still aimed at Jellinek. Tingley is just standing there with his mouth wide open and his eyes bugging out with stupor. A voice emerges from the crowd of pitch geeks, “Is it my turn yet?”
Jellinek explodes into a fit of rage. He’s yelling and ranting so fast that the words are gelling together in a stream of obscenities that would even make George Carlin raise an eyebrow. Waving his arms like a seagull gone mad. He begins foaming at the mouth, his face has passed the point of red and he’s now a deep shade of purple. The veins on his forehead are protruding and his jugular is visually pulsating in his neck. His babbling becomes incoherent, “Mufuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkknofficflmbookaloonatta…germangafoo…k…k…k..”
The occupants of the office look on as Jellinek begins to grab at his chest. He falls to floor and erupts into a seizure. He’s now flailing around like a fish out of water. No one moves, they just watch in utter disbelief. Jellinek’s body suddenly becomes rigid, then flaccid and all movement stops. Wilson ambles over to him slowly, crouches down and puts his ear to the man’s chest. He looks up at Tingley and nods.
Tingley walks over to the desk and presses the intercom, “Jillian, can you call an ambulance. It seems Mr. Jellinek has had an attack of some kind.”
“Sure thing Mr. Tingley.”
Tingley plops down in Jellinek’s custom leather office chair, kicks his feet up onto the desk and smiles. “Good work gentlemen, Jillian will give you the checks on your way out. Now lets hear that Crazy Cat Lady pitch one more time.”
ooh, delicious new endings!
whirly plays up the potential for extreme violence/oddball characters (perhaps influenced by her kooky family)? whereas cat goes with a twisted, fart centered plot to bring down jellinek.
if there are any more stragglers, contest is open until noon today. tough as it may be, i'll decide on a winner and post the results early this aftenoon.
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