Thursday, February 19, 2009



Well, holy crap. What an unprecedented display! 133 comments! And a lot of those with multiple haikus within them! (205 total – everybody should put their initials in.) Everyone’s raw brilliance was on display once again, and I must congratulate absolutely everyone for totally eating the Fire Flower, and hurling fireballs all day long. If my girlfriend got captured by a giant monkey, I would be honored by ANY of you climbing ladders to save her. In a game.

Picking a winner this week was, as always, like trying to select the hardest working bee in a beehive: How can one be better than another? They’re all making such sweet, sweet honey. On to the awards…

For his absolutely brilliant series of Mortal Kombat haikus, Sweatpants wins the So Very Bloody Fatality Award. Some of his best:

Oh you like your arms?
What if I just tore them off?
My friends call me Jax

Deadly Mileena
Breaks your heart then eats you whole
Hall & Oates were right

You've angered Raiden
Mock my giant hat, will you?
*guy fucking explodes*

Did I mention that
I kill people all day long?
Shoulda saved your coins...

(This last was a front-runner til the very end, but alas...)

We had a bunch of nOObs this week (that’s the first time I’ve ever used that word in the proper context) and they were all brilliant:

miner works the shaft
spelunking my Commodore
Lode Runneth over (penned by G)

Been 60 minutes.
Still his turn. Remind me please
Why is this so fun? (courtesy of MrsX)

pumping up dragons
with your little white nozzle
this game makes no sense. (Mr. AC)

Octopunk had incredible output, not the least of which was JPX’s origin story (which kept unfolding through multiple haikus), complete with a hilarious haiku debate over the morality of touching another’s buttons, as well as summing up Gauntlet perfectly (due to space limitations, I can't reprint the whole debate here - just take a look at the last half of the comments. It is flat-out genius):

Spun the spinner bit too far
Now he's JPX

Yeah, Gauntlet was lame
"So-and-so needs food badly"
The ghosts never stop

For this he receives the coveted Bionic Commando Memorial One Kick Ass Metal Extendable Arm Award. (I haven’t the slightest idea what that means, but an award’s an award…) And seriously, the final series of "The Tempest Affair" haikus were amazing - I felt like I was watching a time-lapse film of the event itself!

For the Honorable Mention, which I’ve rechristened the Blow Everything Up On The Screen Instantly Award, we have 4 fantastic entries:

a high school boyfriend
was pissed off when i beat him
at galaxian (AC)

Tall buildings? Puh-lease.
I, Crazy Climber, will...AGGHHHHH!
Fucking flower pot. (Chris)

Hype building for months.
Atari captures zeitgeist!
You call that Pac-Man? (Landshark)

Eat it diving bees
Double ship, now feel my wrath!
Sigh, one more quarter (nowandzen)

Not only did Landshark use the word “zeitgeist,” but there also was a kick ass haiku about Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, among many other brilliant ones. And nowandzen captured the magic of Galaga, which I had been wrestling with all day.


For the Final Round Double Danger, it came down to Catfreeek vs. JPX. In terms of sheer output, they both went toe to toe, with their energy meters down to one bar by the end of the day. Each had a host of Special Moves, and each used every weapon in their repertoire, all of which made me double over laughing. It was one hell of a fight, and Ryu and Ken could take a lesson here.

Catfreeek favorites, for which she garners the coveted Flying Raccoon Suit Award:

I think Brent enjoyed
Beating my kids at Kombat
He smiled when they cried

No need to learn moves
Get my ass beat anyway
Punch random buttons

Was playing Zelda
Fought hard to save the princess
The ungrateful bitch

JPX, however, won the day due to his immense outpouring, with these highlights:

"Adventure" was cool
But the hero was a "square"
He was a damn square!

In advanced levels
Power pellets do nothing
It's a damn cock tease

As well as his Finisher:


Moon Patrol was fun
But after a few minutes
Moon Patrol's not fun

Congratulations, JPX!

I honestly could go on and on, reprinting all of everyone’s brilliance again, but that one was the one that made me immediately snarf. I'm posting this immediately, because the more I go back and look, the more and more brilliant each one becomes. I wish there didn’t have to be just one winner, but if video games have taught us anything, it’s that you play to win, and you play to turn into a giant dragon, and eat your opponent’s torso.

Amazing brilliance on everyone’s part!


Catfreeek said...

Congrats JPX! A well deserved victory.

Once again, great topic HS I had a blast and it really brought back a lot of fond memories.

Dana's Brain said...

This was definitely one for the record books. The Octo/JPX saga alone was hilarious - never mind all the other entries.

Congrats to JPX! (Which, in retrospect, I think is cooler then JPW.)

Johnny Sweatpants said...

That was awesome. Great topic and delivery Handsome Stan The pictures also got me fired up. Not sure if this will ever be topped. I must admit I indulged in a little late night Mortal Kombat 2.

Congrats JPX! You fought hard for that one. Wasn't Moon Patrol the game we could play for free at Mt Hope Swim Club back in the day?

Also I'd like to honorably mention AC's "Hypnotic rows march" ode to Space Invaders.

JPX said...

(turning pink because JPX loves to be the center of attention)

Thank you everyone, it was such a fun topic! I think this topic will have to be revisited in the future, it's just that rich. Hell, you could do an entire day on Ms. Pacman alone. I'm so pleased that I won though because I have two great ideas for next week. It's going to be a struggle to figure out which one to go with but I promise it will be fun and everyone will be able to relate.

JSP, Moon Patrol was indeed the game we played for free, it was also the game that would shock you if you touched the metal part of the joystick - it was seriously dangerous, but it was free, damnit! Remember at Disney World that we discovered that we could play Galaxian for free just by hitting it? Damn, I got up at 6am every morning and hit that machine 100 times. Hooray for haikus!

JPX said...

Thanks, Stan, for picking this topic and for all the work you put into it!

Whirlygirl said...

Congrats JPX! It looked like a fun haiku day. I must admit I was intimidated to jump in with all that talent and now I'm sad that I wasn't part of this record breaking day.

Damn it! I just spit apple juice all over my computer screen. I forgot I was drinking juice (I usually drink water) and for a split second I thought it was rusty water.

Yes, JPX, I know, I know, all the sugar in juice is not good for my teeth.

Octopunk said...

Congrats JPX! Thanks for the immediate comedy Whirlygirl!

That was indeed one for the books. I'm sure that post had more comments than anything on Horrorthon. Amazing.

My faves included JSP's "Oh you like your arms" and "he sure likes his drugs," and also Chris's crack about knowing the patterns in Pole Position.

Also amusing was my late night review of the output, when I first noticed who authored the haiku about his new bro getting Disney channel for Tron, and realized that I was that new bro. Welcome to nerdville, indeed!

nowandzen said...

Great write-up Stan as always and I loved all the ones you mentioned too. Yesterday I had no time to haiku until right before I went to bed so I had to catch them all pretty quick and boy you unleashed the creative fury to the exact degree I killed it with LOTR last week. lol

Good pics and great topic. Oh, and thanks for the mention. :)

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I'm grossly disappointed in you Girlywhirl. Grossly disappointed.

HandsomeStan said...

On a personal note, this one was ALSO quite hilarious:

Jeez, babe, use your Mac
And watch your syllable count
That's the Math Fun way (Octo)

For both the familiarity to my homelife and the "callback" of Math Fun, this one had a lot going for it, but I couldn't figure out how to best mention it.

And JPX, I agree - Haiku Hump Day Video Games Part II could be the Street Fighter II of Haiku Hump Days. Lots of material left to talk about. (Shinobi, Rolling Thunder, Super Sprint...and that was just the Seekonk Bowling Alley!)

HandsomeStan said...

Okay I can't resist, one more:

Fly diagonally?
What the hell's my altitude?
Zaxxon is Crapp-on.

Julie said...

Congrats, JPX. I was also pulling for JSP, especially the arms one, which made me chuckle much later after I had read it.

JPX said...

I can't believe that not a single person watched Mr. Hooper play Atari PacMan!

Octopunk said...

I watched it! It was annoying on so many levels I stalled trying to comment.

Landshark said...

Awesome work, HS.

Too funny that you originally missed the Tron haiku, Octo. A little backstory was probably needed there for others, too. But that was the one of my own that I was most pleased with.

JPX said...

Octo, of course it was annoying! Atari Pacman is so annoying!!! I Think that's the first time I've ever seen Mr. Hooper outside of Sesame Street.

Catfreeek said...

I watched it too but I didn't comment. Although you got me curious as to what else Mr. Hooper might have done. He once acted on a Soap Opera as Grampa Hughes and the first film he starred in was Ball of Fire (1941) as Benny the Creep.