Thursday, September 24, 2009

In a surprise upset JPX wins Haiku Hump Day!



Just kidding, just kidding. Wow, what can I say, you Horrorthonners really had a lot of pet peeves. I think I learned some things about you people that make me a bit scared. I was worried that “pet peeves” would be too similar to JSP’s recent “rant” haiku hump day post, but I argued (rationalized) with myself that there is a difference. Upon reflection I believe that pet peeves and rants are pretty much the same thing, but I don’t care, it made for one of the most enjoyable days of haiku hump day reading, ever! You curmudgeons spun tons of angry gold and made it virtually impossible to choose a winner because I love them all.

In no particular order, these haikus tickled me,

Handsomestan shares my rage over the same things


Nice big fat family
Take up the whole sidewalk, please
I'll just use the curb

Loud car stereo
If it's mine, then I'm awesome
Otherwise, fuck you

I loved AC’s complaints about the rich


mcmansions, really?
you need that much living space,
go colonize mars

driving a hummer?
douchebaggery as clear as
sporting a goatee

JSP’s football haikus were spot on for me


I don't get football
Whistle blows, meatheads collide
Cue commerical break

Ok now we're back
A flag seems to have been thrown
Ten minutes go by

Instant replay now
Once again in slow motion
Cue commercial break

Whistle blows - game on!
Whistle blows seconds later
What the hell happened?

7 minutes left
Which means 55 minutes
In dumb football talk

Julie was in a perfect pet peeve mood, Zack and Octo were both targets!


Why won't our kid, Zack
Get off my boobs already?
Drink some cow's milk, kid.

"It looks like these fell,"
Says Octo of my pictures.
I am sarcastic.

"Yep, it looks that way,"
I say, but my tone says more:
"You are a dumbass."

Why so mean Julie?
He's just asking 'bout your shit.
Just be glad he cares.

But when I am tired,
I'll slay you with sarcasm
Just for my own fun.

My favorite Octo haikus


Met girl at party
She thought Jar Jar was funny
Give me back my pipe

And Octo’s response to Julie’s vitriolic jabs,

It totally sucks
To get served by your own wife
It's my new pet peeve

Meanwhile, in real life
Sarcastic Girl said sorry
'Cuz I called her out

50P has me rolling with these,


facebook friend request
we *never* spoke in high school
midlife crisis much?

"CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU'VE JUST WON A FREE I-POD!"
too loud *and* a scam

drunk frat boy buffoon
turn that DMB shit off
stop calling me "bra"

Whirlygirl made a very rare and welcomed appearance,


It could save your life
Antibacterial gel
Dumb things strangers say

Holy shit rain drops!
Hit the brakes again, again.
Rhode Island drivers

Plate of free samples
Sure, reach your bare hands right in
Bacteria bowl

“Please flush the toilet”
Do we really need a sign?
Masses are asses

DCD seemed more angry than peeved! After slamming her work staff and tourists, she took aim at all of us


Know why I'm annoyed?
Had to work the overnight
last night. Fucking beat.

Instead of bedtime,
I'm writing fucking haikus.
Screw you, jerks! Good night!

The always reliable Catfreeek produced lots of gems including


Dog pooped on my lawn
and your now walking away
I hope it attacks you

when you tell stories
don't constantly hit my arm
to make sure I hear

people who tell jokes
then laugh loudly at themselves
makes me warm with rage

don't fart in my car
it makes the ride unpleasant
and I will hate you

After much consideration, this week’s haiku hump day winner is…

Read the first comment to learn the answer.

14 comments:

JPX said...

Although she only posted a scant 4 haikus, she won me over for capturing our shared annoyances and for using my favorite expression, “The masses are asses”. Whilrygirl and I spend a lot of time on the phone bitching to each other about annoying things that happen to us during the day – we reinforce each other’s negativity. Her pet peeves made me laugh because she has previously expressed some of them to me in casual conversation. Congrats, Whirly, I’m expecting a great topic from you next week!

It could save your life
Antibacterial gel
Dumb things strangers say

Holy shit rain drops!
Hit the brakes again, again.
Rhode Island drivers

Plate of free samples
Sure, reach your bare hands right in
Bacteria bowl

“Please flush the toilet”
Do we really need a sign?
Masses are asses

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Congrats Whirly! Loved the bacteria bowl haiku! You'd damn well better come up with a good topic as it's the last HHD before Horrorthon!

Octo had me rolling with this one:

It totally sucks
When someone can't count syllables
I'm looking at you, HandsomeStan

AC said...

yay whirlygirl! "bacteria bowl" was my favorite line.

great topic, jpx, and i agree there were loads of hilarious haikus all round.

whoah, only one more hhd? that means next thursday is...horrorthon!!!

Catfreeek said...

Congrats Whirly your RI rain braking rant had me rolling along with bacteria bowl.

also Handsome Stan's:
So many retards
Just not enough syllables
To express dismay

had me laughing, it's just so true.

Catfreeek said...

JPX that cat picture is revolting.

I almost got sucked into taking in a 6th cat, she has a very sad story along with her brother. Two very cute kittens if anyone is interested. I swear I'm stopping with the 5 I have.

50PageMcGee said...

yeah, it's the second "again" in the rain haiku that really makes it work. nice job whirly. we missed you.

on a side note, my first batch of thon netflix is on its way!!!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Whatcha got cookin' this year Fitty?

Catfreeek said...

Half of mine are already here, can't wait!! I'm planning on a week long zombie fest as some point in the month.

Whirlygirl said...

I just spent eight hours knee deep in books about communism, my eyeballs hurt, my head hurts, and now I have to sit in class until 10 tonight. I’d complain about all this, but I won haiku hump day, YAY!!

The bacteria bowl thing just happened the other day while I was in Whole Foods. It prompted an idea I have for t-shirts. I’ll write a post about it hopefully before Horrorthon.

I enjoyed reading all the haikus. I thought JSP had won it for sure with the football ones.

HandsomeStan said...

Well done, Whirly! All of yours were just dripping with contempt - loved 'em!

I'm still embarrassed by the syllable thing. Those two were mistakes, but I've stretched those boundaries in the past for humorous effect. For the record.

And Cat's got half her movies? The first 400 already got there?

And Hooray Whirlygirl, again!

Octopunk said...

Congratulations JPX!

I mean Whirlygirl!

Stan had Julie and me cracking up with this one:

Cherry blossoms fall
Hey! Get the fuck out of here!
With that leaf-blower!

Brilliance.

HandsomeStan said...

Cat & Octo, thanks for the props. That "cherry blossoms" intro always works great. I think I used it for Robots or The Future in conjunction with a Roomba. The Japanese would be proud.

JSP, thanks for rubbing salt in my syllable wound :)

I also really liked Fitty's:

which would you rather?
put the seat down (real tough task)
or wipe pee off seat

Just eloquently sums up the whole debate.

(YOU sit down all the time. *I* sit down half the time. When I sit down to go, I look to see where the seat is. The entire "I don't look before I sit" argument is completely ridiculous.

To me, a woman should PREFER to see the seat up, because that is direct physical evidence that the man who last used the facilities put the seat UP, therefore, a sanitized seat.

In fact, we could do a whole Wednesday on toilet paper/toilet seat etiquette. And I know I'm right.)

Octopunk said...

It wouldn't be as good as yesterday.

DCD said...

Congrats Whirly! "Bacteria Bowl" was indeed awesome. I can't believe we only have one more HHD to go before Horrorthon!