Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Haiku Hump day - Pet Peeves

That’s right, pet peeves! Come on, folks, we all have them, some of us have a lot of them (*cough* *cough* me), so what annoys you? Here are a few of mine,

People whistling (see also, multiple and/or loud sneezing)


When an old fart pays with a check at the grocery store


People who text during a movie (see also people who talk during a movie)


Being held hostage to someone else’s cell phone conversation


Bathrooms with with a mirror positioned so you can see your whole self while seated


Allowing a phone cord or hair dryer cord to become hopelessly tangled


More,

TV shows or ads with doorbells, ringing phones, or alarm clocks

Websites that blast music or any type of audio as soon as it loads.

Being put on the speakerphone without warning

Explanations beginning with the word 'Again'

Mumbling, then annoyedly saying "Forget it!" when people naturally don't hear

Wheedling a promise out of someone while they're trying to be left alone to sleep

Asking "Do you suggest ___?" Where the blank is clearly something not suggested

Thinking that one has the only correct background for understanding an issue

Purposefully mangling someone's name or handle as a form of ridicule, e.g. Klinton

Receiving fundraising calls on behalf of police, firefighters or other public servants

So hit me with your pet peeves, I’m expecting a lot from you grouchy Horrorthonners

96 comments:

JPX said...

Please don't talk to me
When I'm using the bathroom
That's my special time

Please don't tailgate me
With your big-ass SUV
It makes me hate you

Please don't say to me
"Um, ya know what I'm sayin'?"
Every two seconds

If I don't know you
Don't start a conversation
I'm a private guy

I can't stand "small talk"
I don't care where you come from
Talk to someone else

HandsomeStan said...

Pet peeve: Pets At Work
Leave your fucking dog at home
Along with your kids

HandsomeStan said...

Again, I'll explain
Your damn dog is underfoot
And the office smells

HandsomeStan said...

How to tell the world
You're a douchebag at first sight -
Just grow a goatee

JPX said...

Forwarded email
Stop clogging up my account
With your stupidness

AC said...

students requesting
extensions: read syllabus,
manage your damn time

while i'm commuting
i hate all other humans
on bus, T, and foot.

windows are see-through
so while stopped at a red light
please don't pick your nose

take your cell phone call
in a restaurant only
in emergency

judgmental people...
sole consolation, odds are
they are dysthymic

panhandlers who blow
smoke in my face whilst begging
won't get cash from me

an easier task
to list what doesn't peeve me
need an extension

AC said...

eff you handsome stan
you know i have a goatee
and bring cat to work

HandsomeStan said...

Slow drivers/walkers
You will all have fun in hell
Being slowly cooked

Nice big fat family
Take up the whole sidewalk, please
I'll just use the curb

Know what I'm sayin'?
Everybody on earth sucks
Know what I'm sayin'?

JPX said...

Using bathroom spray
Won't disguise the shit you took
Please go before work

AC said...

yeah, don't poo at work
the smell lingers, and then i
get blamed unfairly

HandsomeStan said...

How To Make Douchebags:
Shave head, grow goatee, pierce ear
Add one Ninja bike

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Did you say "bromance"?
Did I hear you correctly?
You are dead to me.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

If you say "I'm sick"
On Facebook status updates
You've made my shit list

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Hi, nice to meet you
You're a Springsteen fan, you say?
Sorry, gotta run

Scientologists
Make me want to hop a plane
And join Al-Qaeda

Hey Al-Qaeda folks
"U" comes after "Q", dipshits
Now shave your dumb beards

Non-coffee drinkers
We get it - you're really lame
Now go fuck yourselves

HandsomeStan said...

Toilet paper roll
If it's not over the top
Someone's getting smacked

Hey there MrsX -
That toilet seat there STAYS UP
Yep, just deal with it

Catfreeek said...

when you tell stories
don't constantly hit my arm
to make sure I hear

people who tell jokes
then laugh loudly at themselves
makes me warm with rage

don't fart in my car
it makes the ride unpleasant
and I will hate you

Catfreeek said...

mispronouncing words
you don't know how the word sounds
ask or don't say it

Eww massive B.O.
take a shower and use soap
you smelly asshole

we're in the store line
you tell me your life story
clearly I don't care

Catfreeek said...

if on the highway
don't zoom across four lanes to
get to your exit

men in real short shorts
fat women in spandex pants
kids dressed like hookers

slurping up your soup?
why not stick your whole face in
and I hope you drown

HandsomeStan said...

Hey fashion fucktards -
Don't say "Ciao." Don't kiss my cheek.
You freaks of nature

Catfreeek said...

Wear too much perfume?
Perhaps your masking something
like a smelly cooch

Dog pooped on my lawn
and your now walking away
I hope it attacks you

Catfreeek said...

Using trendy words
you're over 60 years old
act your age asshole

Wearing trendy clothes
you're over 60 years old
act your age asshole

Catfreeek said...

Hey construction guys
don't need to see your ass cracks
so tuck your shirt in

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I don't get football
Whistle blows, meatheads collide
Cue commerical break

AC said...

please stop offering
bulk-rate penis enlargers
it hurts my feelings

i now love bono
but what's up with his glasses?
cataracts maybe?

corporate sponsors
if you rename that venue
i won't buy your shit

vaginas are great
but celebrity cooters
i don't need to see

mcmansions, really?
you need that much living space,
go colonize mars

driving a hummer?
douchebaggery as clear as
sporting a goatee

(no offense meant to
thonners who are living large
i'm sure you are cool)

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Ok now we're back
A flag seems to have been thrown
Ten minutes go by

Instant replay now
Once again in slow motion
Cue commercial break

JPX said...

Just because I'm male
Don't always ask me to change
The water cooler*

*This just happened...again

JPX said...

300 pound girls
Wearing Brady jersey shirts
Get on my last nerve

A tattoo is cute
But head to toe ones are not
Creeps me the hell out

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Dumbass catches ball
Can the baboon run ten yards?
Do you really care?

HandsomeStan said...

I am SO special
I pay five bucks per coffee
Now I'm broke AND wired

HandsomeStan said...

Pet peeve with football?
When they score and thank Jesus
He didn't help you

"Jus wanna thank God..."
For helping you score touchdowns?
Really? Seriously?

I want some player
To blame Jesus for fumbling
"Yo, man, Jesus MADE me!"

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Stan's last 2 haikus
Should both be disqualified
Syllabic errors

Johnny Sweatpants said...

And we're back again
We're talking about sponsors
Have another ad

Whistle blows - game on!
Whistle blows seconds later
What the hell happened?

7 minutes left
Which means 55 minutes
In dumb football talk

Will the imbecile
Kick the ball between two posts?
*eats potato chip*


So in conclusion
Football fans are mindless oafs
This includes YOU, sir.

Octopunk said...

My cell phone vibrates
I think somebody loves me
Fucking Sprint sales call

First thing the guy says
I'm not paying for the call
What about my time?

50PageMcGee said...

which would you rather?
put the seat down (real tough task)
or wipe pee off seat

drunk frat boy buffoon
turn that DMB shit off
stop calling me "bra"

lascivious ads
invite me into your mouth
[crunch] [munch] [slurp] [smack] [schlorp]

the worst: Carl's Jr.
icky sex burger munching
where's the damn remote?

hey, tailgating tard
i want to go faster too
tard in front of me

on the right AND left
wannabe politicos
none of you know shit

"i'm a musician."
got your gear and "emotions"
but can't play for shit

you knew what i meant
but you *had* to correct me
"you mean Venti?" prick.

Octopunk said...

A guy on TV
Puts pizza in toaster, fails
Yeah, we've all been there

Hey, no we haven't!
Don't invent fake problems, jerks
Enraged Octopunk

Octopunk said...

It totally sucks
When someone can't count syllables
I'm looking at you, HandsomeStan

JPX said...

My biggest blog peeve
Contributors on the blog
Who don't "contribute"

Octopunk said...

Favorite porn hub
Now links mostly to vids -- damn!
I prefer just pics

Octopunk said...

My awesome new shirt
Jeff X threw fish eggs on it
Wait, that was Gary

Octopunk said...

Just got River Raid
JPX stole it to play
Oh wait, that was me

JPX said...

Yeah that wasn't cool
I was so psyched to play it!
Wait, Octo stole it

JPX said...

Wait, where's The Simpsons?
I was all set to watch it
Preempted by sports

Octopunk said...

Rhode Island, Boston
You meet really bad drivers
LA has own breed

Endanger your life
Then they'll give you the finger
What the fucking fuck

If aliens saw
How we behave in our cars
They'd blow up the Earth

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Mispronounce "Target"
I'll put a gun to your head
"Say TAR-JAY again!"

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Really tall people
Just who do you think you are?
Get over yourselves

Catfreeek said...

knows what chaps my ass
those who rank on tall people
shorty's got issues

need to get you some
of those tall Kiss platform boots
air's better up here

JPX said...

Know what grinds my gears?
People who read the last page
Before starting book

JPX said...

During election
The "undecided voters"
Just make me mental

50PageMcGee said...

pop culture quoters
unoriginal bastards
(we here are exempt)

Johnny Sweatpants said...

You know what I hate?
People who don’t act like me
Look or think like me

It’s sad but it’s true
Girls with bad taste in music
Cannot be trusted

Barbershop chatter
Can’t they make like the dentist -
Knock me out with gas?

JPX said...

It makes me so mad
When those words come on the screen,
"To be continued"

DCD said...

Moronic parents
let their kids run wild at
my hotel. Fucktards.

You just keep drinking.
But when your damn brat gets hurt?
Now it's all our fault.

DCD said...

Stupid employees.
Whining, irritating jerks.
My dream job? NO STAFF!

DCD said...

It's called a passing
lane. Know why that is, Momo?
'Cause it's for passing!

DCD said...

Worst are the tourists.
"Oo, look! A big mansion! Lets
drive by at five miles!"

Park your god-damn car
and GO INSIDE you shithead!
You're making me late.

DCD said...

Know why I'm annoyed?
Had to work the overnight
last night. Fucking beat.

Instead of bedtime,
I'm writing fucking haikus.
Screw you, jerks! Good night!

50PageMcGee said...

every show i've played
some fuckin fuck shouts "freebird"
fuck you, you dumb fuck.

50PageMcGee said...

impatient young child
wee shite, cig in mouth, cursing
grow some pubes first, kid.

50PageMcGee said...

"CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU'VE JUST WON A FREE I-POD!"
too loud *and* a scam

JPX said...

Please don't imitate
Austin Powers dialogue
It's never funny

And please don't attempt
A Yoda imitation
Funny it's never

Julie said...

Religious lady,
Why can't you shut your pie hole?
I'm trying to work.

Julie said...

Redundant lady,
I'm so sick of hearing you're
"Thankful and grateful."

50PageMcGee said...

facebook friend request
we *never* spoke in high school
midlife crisis much?

Julie said...

Paranoid lady,
Not everyone's against you,
And they should be, bitch.

Julie said...

Homeopathic
Medicine does not work, tards.
The stupid, it burns.

Julie said...

Dude, you cut me off,
Then flipped me off. That's real nice.
Driving makes us rude.

Julie said...

Are you putting on
Your makeup while in my way?
You are driving, whore!

Octopunk said...

Met girl at party
She thought Jar Jar was funny
Give me back my pipe

Julie said...

Organic veggies
Are more expensive. That's it.
You smug, stupid, jerk.

Julie said...

Jenny McCarthy
And the anti-vax jerkoffs
All deserve a smack.

Julie said...

Why won't our kid, Zack
Get off my boobs already?
Drink some cow's milk, kid.

Catfreeek said...

Reality shows
so totally obnoxious
they should all be shot

and all these dumb shows
with stupid background music
fake reality

Sick of the whining
tinkling piano music
cue the sad story

8 kids? there's a show
more drama, ratings are low
Get a real job jerk

Julie said...

I just had to pump
Six ounces of breast milk, dudes.
And can't smoke pot. Much.

Julie said...

Cat attacks my feet.
Gonna get stepped on real soon.
Gonna be flat cat.

Julie said...

My job can't pay me.
Keeps messing up my paycheck.
Stupid monkey tards.

Spent millions to buy
New payroll system, went broke,
Then laid people off.

So we have this new
Stupid payroll system, but
Nobody to pay.

Julie said...

We have new bathrooms.
Paid for a remodel but
Laid people off. Tards.

Brand new bathrooms, but
No one left to piss in them.
Not making this up.

Brand new handicapped
Lift on remodeled stairwell.
Brand new rec center.

No one comes up stairs.
Everyone is gone these days.
Quiet, but nice digs.

Julie said...

Stupid recording
Telling me my warranty
Expired. Go to hell.

Julie said...

Zack, please, off my titties, babe.
I want them back for myself.
And maybe Octo.

Julie said...

Cat shovels litter
Onto floor. Disgusting mess.
Gonna be flat cat.

JPX said...

Damn water cooler
Every time water runs out
"Jeff, can you change it?"

When they need my help
They're suddenly extra nice
"Jeff" becomes "Jeffy"

It's always awkward
I must appear strong to them
While straining my back

I always spill some
Return to my office damp
Damn secretaries

Catfreeek said...

Whiny bitch at work
she complains to no avail
I wish she would quit

Whirlygirl said...

It could save your life
Antibacterial gel
Dumb things strangers say

Holy shit rain drops!
Hit the brakes again, again.
Rhode Island drivers

Plate of free samples
Sure, reach your bare hands right in
Bacteria bowl

“Please flush the toilet”
Do we really need a sign?
Masses are asses

AC said...

whirly haikuing
is such a rare treat that i've
lost my peevishness

that, plus exhaustion
guess by the end of the day
i've spent all my bile :(

HandsomeStan said...

I hate old people
I don't want to become one
They fuck up syllables

Smelly, decaying fleshbags
Humans weren't meant for this sort of thing
Please bring on the cloning

I am ignoring
My early penalty flag
About syllables

Getting old is wrong
I fight against it each say
In my head, at least

Pet peeve with Nature
We all must shrink, wrinkle, die?
Are you serious?

HandsomeStan said...

Ugh. "each DAY"

Why do pet peeves grate?
Most people are horrible
That seems to be why

Cherry blossoms fall
Hey! Get the fuck out of here!
With that leaf-blower!

HandsomeStan said...

It's the little things
Like shitheads doing dumb shit
That make pet peeves suck

Murder? Yep, that's fine.
Child molestation? Cool.
Pet peeve? You will die.

HandsomeStan said...

Loud car stereo
If it's mine, then I'm awesome
Otherwise, fuck you

HandsomeStan said...

Syllabic Nazis
Sometimes I need 8 or 9
Call me on my shit

Rage and frustration
Tough to get entire world
Within 17

So many retards
Just not enough syllables
To express dismay

HandsomeStan said...

YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU!
EVERYTHING YOU DO IS WRONG!
I WANT YOU TO DIE!

HandsomeStan said...

(not you all, obviously..just a thematically appropriate haiku)

Good luck, JPX
Comments beat "Video Games"
Pet peeve: GREAT Thonners

Julie said...

Sure I have pet peeves.
That's just because I'm a bitch.
Misanthropic me.

Julie said...

"It looks like these fell,"
Says Octo of my pictures.
I am sarcastic.

"Yep, it looks that way,"
I say, but my tone says more:
"You are a dumbass."

Why so mean Julie?
He's just asking 'bout your shit.
Just be glad he cares.

But when I am tired,
I'll slay you with sarcasm
Just for my own fun.

Octopunk said...

It totally sucks
To get served by your own wife
It's my new pet peeve

Octopunk said...

Meanwhile, in real life
Sarcastic Girl said sorry
'Cuz I called her out

Anonymous said...

Excuse, that I interrupt you, there is an offer to go on other way.

Ruby Gutierrez said...

I just had to pump Six ounces of breast milk, dudes. And can't smoke pot. Much.