Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Haiku Hump Day Goes Retro With Sitcoms

Remember when Fonzie was the coolest guy ever.


The Brady's taught us moral lessons and the danger of tiki idols.







George and Weezy moved on up.


The Golden Girls were on prime time.


Maryann's coconut cream pie was all the rage.


Mrs. Garrett taught us the facts of life.



The pressure is on after the last two HH days erupted in a sea of haikus. I had to dig deep into my slightly warped brain and think about what might inspire the creative juices one more time. This brought me to my pre-cable tv childhood. Endless hours of the Brady Bunch, Gilligan's Island and the Flintstones. Happy Days told us to "sit on it" and pointed out that Potsie was a nerd. Lenny & Squiggy irritated the piss out everyone and reruns of I Love Lucy passed the time on a rainy summer day. So think back my talented friends to a time when you had to get up to change the channel and give us your best haikus.

104 comments:

Catfreeek said...

Peter got tiki
Bad luck, a spider on him
He squealed like a girl

JPX said...

You stole one of my future ideas! This is a great topic with endless possibilities. Let' see,

He always wrecked things
Why didn't they just kill him?
Gilligan, you suck

I always dreaded
"Very special episode"
I just want to laugh

Good Times disturbed me
Michael's pants were way too tight
I could see penis

The Partridge Family
Who wants to tour with your mom?
Forget about sex

I must confess this
I've never seen the show MASH
I don't intend to

On the Facts of Life
There must've been tons of food
All the girls got fat

JPX said...

Which one would you do?
Come on, you know that you would
It's Rose all the way

JPX said...

My secret shame
I love Welcome Back, Kotter
Misunderstood kids

Juan Epstien was tough
A rare Puerto Rican Jew
He wasn't that tough

Landshark said...

"Whatch'you talkin bout
Willis?" Did anyone ever
laugh at that garbage?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Well it didn't take JPX long to catch fire...

Gabe Kotter was sweet
But his uncle jokes were lame
I never laughed once

I liked Washington
'Cuz of his "hi there" catchphrase
It won me over

JPX said...

I once met Horshack
At a collectible show
His handshake was limp

JPX said...

Love Three's Company
Many misunderstandings
All of them sex based

I first liked Chrissy
Before they made her too dumb
Terri is my fave

Best landlord to have?
Furley beats Mr. Roper
Terrific wardrobe

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Rudy, cute as pie
But then she got fat and old
Hence Olivia

JPX said...

Sigh. Golden Palace
It just wasn't Golden Girls
Without Dorothy

Funniest thing? Bea
She could destroy a person
With a crushing glance

JPX said...

Rudy, cute as pie
But then got her period
That was the last straw

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I'd go with Roper
Although Ferley was more fun
He was too intense

Roper was an ass
But he made me chuckle by
Insulting his wife

As the laugh track played
He'd look straight at the camera
Quite pleased with himself

Johnny Sweatpants said...

You remember when
Larry ran across the room
Completely naked?

JPX said...

Chrissy bounced a lot
Could get away braless then
Sigh. The good old days

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I want to kill Screech
Zack deserved severe beatings
Fuck Saved By the Bell

I kept watching though
I yearned for a Columbine
But I still tuned in

Johnny Sweatpants said...

The age old question:
Hot Ginger or Maryann?
Why can't it be both?

Chris said...

Oh, Eddie Haskell.
Your epic douchebag-ery
Always chaps June's ass.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Cousin Oliver
Was a punk-ass little bitch
With a bad haircut

Catfreeek said...

Cindy got picked on
For her baby talk lisping
She cried, real mature

What's Happening cast
Wore savvy break dancer clothes
Rerun's red sweatsuit

Catfreeek said...

Always perplexing
Professor built everything
But never a boat

The Skipper was mean
Whacked Gilligan with his hat
Why never fought back

Mr. Howell frets
Kept his money hid away
What for? No use there.

Ginger was trampy
Maryann the girl next door
Lovey way too old

JPX said...

Comedy science
Remember Peter's double?
Like that could happen

Landshark said...

Time someone fessed up
to the truth about Seinfeld...
it's overrated!

Great first couple years,
but then characters became
just caricatures.

Catfreeek said...

Fonzie was so cool
Gals came when he snapped fingers
Think he was that good?

JPX said...

I must disagree
Funniest show of all time
Never tire of it

Landshark said...

Jack did it again!
Two dates scheduled for same night...
Here come the hijinks!

Catfreeek said...

Mike Brady was gay
Carol needed to get some
Greg was 18, right

Landshark said...

According to guy
who has never seen one M.A.S.H.?!
You are missing out.

Chris said...

Small Wonder blew dong.
I wish Casey Anthony
was the robot's mom.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Horrorthon legend
Vincent Price lost all street cred
In the tiki caves...

HandsomeStan said...

Fun alcoholics
Everybody knows their names
They never got drunk

I'm Kelsey Grammer
Playing the same character
For 25 years

[This is a great topic - I'm just getting warmed up!]

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I'm with JPX
Never seen MASH, never will
None of my business

JPX said...

Mary Tyler Moore
My other favorite sitcom
Lou didn't like spunk

JPX said...

Why was The Fonz cool?
He held meetings in the john
Not cool, not at all

JPX said...

He liked to say, "Heeeeeeeey"
I'm sorry, that's just not "cool"
Pretty annoying

Johnny Sweatpants said...

The Facts of Life? Pfft.
Take the good and take the bad
Then you have – crap show.

I still watched it though
Because of Jo the tomboy
Put Blaire in her place

Chris said...

Jo was masculine.
The tough attitude, deep voice.
Bet her cock was huge.

Chris said...

Donny Most was at
The auto show signing pics.
Yeah, you still got it.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

ALF was from Melmac
I know this because I watched
That stupid show too.

That lovable freak
Always trying to eat cats
Will he ever learn?

I do a killer
Willy impersonation
I'm dead serious.

G said...

O wretched Orson
Mindy's phantom incubus
Scrambled eggs bear Mearth

Shorty got secure
Willis be burnin' bridges
Plato's dead sexy

50PageMcGee said...

Mean George Jefferson
All shit-talk behind closed doors
A lamb in public

Mary Ann? Get real
Ginger was just as nice. PLUS:
Used: Better Lover

Divorce must not have
been invented yet - here's proof
Ricardos stay wed

JPX said...

Interestingly
The two were divorced
When "Lucy" ended

Ethel was with Fred
She was younger than Lucy
Ethel was not pleased

In real life Fred drank
Found him dead in a gutter
Poor Frawly is missed

Catfreeek said...

Loved WKRP
Venus & Johnny my faves
Herb just annoyed me

Taxi was great too
Best role ever for Chris Lloyd
Played a damn good drunk

Andy Griffith Show
I guess it was ok but
Aunt Bea was a twat

Granny, crazy bitch
Jethro was such a lunkhead
Jed had some bad genes

Elly Mae was hot
But would rather be with pets
then to have a man

No one ever swam
In the backyard cement pond
Sucky pond, no fish

Catfreeek said...

Lenny and Squiggy
Greasy, annoying perverts
Why weren't they in jail?

Carmine Ragusa
What a total fruit he was
Sang rags to riches

Laverne's famous drink
Milk & Pepsi, sounds so gross
Yeah, I tried it once

Chris said...

LOL! "Twat" There's a word I haven't visited in years.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Suddenly Susan
Introduced Kathy Griffin
Unforgivable

Dana's Brain said...

How come never saw
the Brady's first Mom or Dad?
Where are the pictures?

Dana's Brain said...

JPX, no MASH?
Alan Alda is a god
What is wrong with you?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I heart Golden Girls
Even though they are seniors
It never gets old

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I own 3 seasons
But I want to buy the rest
(I'm a completist.)

HandsomeStan said...

To my child's mind
"Shazbat" and "nanoo-nanoo"
Made great dialogue

Married With Children
Guests: Anthrax/King Kong Bundy
And Kelly was hot

Alex P. Keaton
Nothing but gorgeous girlfriends
Pays to be right-wing

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Dorothy's the best
She's too good for that ass Stan
I would treat her right..

Blanche gets called a slut
Just because she sleeps around
I guess she's a slut

Chris said...

Seaver friends were odd.
There was Boner and Stinky.
Stinky was an ass.

On the other hand,
Boner was a stand up guy.
With few shortcomings.

How many teen boys
Have a best friend named Boner?
Only all of them.

HandsomeStan said...

A train IN the house?
Video games EVERYWHERE?
Damn you, Rick Schroeder

Greatest house ever
Also had Erin Grey there
Damn you, Rick Schroeder

HandsomeStan said...

(The last Boner haiku was GENIUS, Chris...)

Full House can be used
As Chinese Torture Device
Fucking horrible

If you liked Full House
You are fucking retarded
I hate that damn show

HandsomeStan said...

Webster or Arnold?
There's a fight I'd like to see.
'Swhat I'M talkin' bout.

Tom Hanks annoying
Even on Bosom Buddies
We should have known then

Joanie Loves Chachi,
Charles In Charge and Happy Days.
Two strikes, Scott Baio

Whirlygirl said...

[JPX] using Whirlygirl's computer,

Full House; awful show
Losers with annoying kids
Too many "uncles"

Full House; awful cast
A very successful show
Masses are asses

HandsomeStan said...

Full House; just awful
Mary-Kate and Ashley need
Bullets in their heads

Bob Saget; awful.
Why he didn't kill himself
A complete mystery

And how'd that douchebag
Keep bagging babes in real life?
Go die, John Stamos

Catfreeek said...

Eight is enough, hah!
Was he a total moron?
Two's more than enough

Get a Life, so dumb
Chris Elliot is an ass
I loved that damn show

Chrissy Snow left show
She's the sheriff for a bit
Then the thigh master

Catfreeek said...

George was an asshole
What did Weezy see in him?
Oh yeah, the money

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I get Good Times mixed
Up with What's Happening Now.
Don't call me racist!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I used to hate Friends.
Then I thought it was ok.
I hate it again.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Jeff has been pushing
Mary Tyler Moore for years
But the name bores me

Johnny Sweatpants said...

You mustn't forget
The 3rd uncle on Full House
He should also fry

You remember, right?
The one who does impressions?
Shoot him in the head.

Dana's Brain said...

Diane was a bitch
But the show was funnier
When she was Sam's squeeze.


Sad times when Coach died.
Eh, let's just replace him with
A young, stupid guy.


Some shows stand the test
Of time. Frasier, yes. Cheers, No.
Et tu, Doctor Crane?


Love David Hyde Pierce.
Valentine episode is
Pee your pants funny.


Hm. Charles in Charge.
Willie Ames is a tool,
Worse then Gilligan.


In retrospect, I
Can't defend why I was so
Addicted to Friends.


Ross Loves Rachel, D'Oh!
But now, Rachel loves him back.
Please, just shoot them both.


What if Bill Cosby
Was your Dad? Would those faces
Drive you to punch him?

Dana's Brain said...

JPX is Boss
Of the Super Secret Club:
"Full House, Forevah!"

AC said...

sorry not to participate much today guys. i am covering for my boss and therefore considerably busier than usual yes i am typing this from work.

AC said...

do jeff and johnny
really love the golden girls
or is it a goof?

AC said...

mention this ever
and i'll kill you dead: one year
i crushed on potsie. :(

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Joey Lawrence: Whoa!
Some people found that funny.
Who are these people?

AC said...

i love lucy still
holds up, but mash not so much.
say, that reminds me:

why do sitcoms so
often have a moral? is
there a gretching law?

Dana's Brain said...

Oh, Barney Miller!
Octo's and my Dad loved you,
Secretly - me too!

Catfreeek said...

I am proud to say
I've never watched Friends, ever!
Can't stomach the cast

Mary Tyler Moore
As a kid never got it
Now I see the light

If you only watch
Chuckles the clown episode
Then you'll understand

Catfreeek said...

Too close for comfort
Ted Knight was a total dick
Always the same role

Excuse, cancel date
Something suddenly came up
Marcia's swollen nose

miko564 said...

Ellen was funny
Then she told us she was gay,
Became one joke show

Sheldon is the shit
Makes me think of Horrorthon
No science guy here?

Mr Kotter, hah!
Would have been dead in seconds,
In a real ghetto

Marsha seemed hot.
I had quite the crush oh her
I had bad taste then...

HandsomeStan said...

Oversexed Mona
And undersexed Angela
Who's your boss, Tony?

By mistake I watched
Punky Brewster as a kid
No idea why

Was Mama's Family
Any different than Hee Haw?
Same show for retards

miko564 said...

Hogan's Heros, odd
Made Nazis seem kinda nice
Wonder how Jews felt?

I dream of Jeanie,
She didn't notice her man
Was just replaced?

Louie DePalma
Little asshole with heart
Lived in a cage

HandsomeStan said...

On 227
Woman never left window
I'm TELLIN you chile.

miko564 said...

3rd Rock From the Sun
Giant girl was kinda hot
French Stewart should die

JPX said...

Love the Golden girls?
Of course we do, it's perfect!
It's in my top 5

JPX said...

Rhoda married Joe
The ratings plummeted fast
Rhoda got divorced

"Phyllis" was just bad
A sub-par Mary spin-off
Awful characters

I'm into "Lou Grant"
Discovered it on Hulu
Sadly no Mary

The Betty White Show
An awful Mary spin-off
Lasted one season

JPX said...

Janet and Terri
Saw them at a convention
Terri still looks hot

Poor frail Jim Backus
Too sick for last "Gilligan"
Only in one scene

The final movie
Starred the Harlem Globetrotters
I need a copy

If you met "Rachel"
You'd probably run for your life
Too high maintenance

Always bickering
Should've been called "Mad at You"
Awful characters

JPX said...

Sheldon is a nerd
Too nerdy for Horrorthon
Yep, he's that nerdy!

AC said...

just home from work at
9:30. missed LOST. haikus
sole consolation.

AC said...

remember love boat?
isaac's a stereotype
although positive

AC said...

the office is my
only must-see sitcom now
and it's not must-see

AC said...

welcome back kotter
i'm from brooklyn and my dad
was a real sweathog

JPX said...

Wow, AC, no way!
At some point I want details
Did he know Vinnie?

AC said...

i think dad knew guys
even dumber than vinnie.
i'll bug him for deets.

HandsomeStan said...

Balki moved right in
He's all up in Larry's face
Go back to Mypos

Bailiffs kept dying
First two very old ladies
Then the black woman

JPX said...

Remember fake Jan?
I never accepted her
Too busy Eve Plum?

HandsomeStan said...

Urkel, oh Urkel
Stole the show from Die Hard cop
Yes, you DID do that

How'd The Nanny last?
Voice like nails on a chalkboard
Horrible person

JPX said...

I met Mork from Ork
He was manic, but friendly
He had bad B.O.

AC said...

mr.ac sez:
mr.t bodyguarded
for ricky shroeder

AC said...

mr ac sez:
fantasy island must be
mentioned. now it is.

AC said...

mr ac sez:
the fonz got a library
card; kids followed suit

AC said...

mrs ac sez:
guess who tried out for fonzie?
micky dolenz! damn!

Octopunk said...

Hey it's still Wednesday
I wanna get in on this
A-hem. A-hem-HEM

Speaking of Dolenz
'Member the episode where
He had a double?

How 'bout Gilligan?
His double was Soviet
Had tiny death ray

Mr. Howell, too
Met his own doppelganger
Spending his money

Good grief, Ginger too?
Sheesh! What are the freakin' odds
Of writers this bad?

Octopunk said...

Somehow, all those years
I never saw the B-Bunch
With the UFO

The attic is Greg's
He lights up and ogles pics
Of groovy man-perms

Brady Bunch did
One of my favorite gags:
There's foam everywhere!

Poor Oliver thought
He was a force for bad luck
Oh, he was so right

Remember Bobby
Locking Sam in the freezer?
He died shivering

Jan's Yogi poster
Gets switched with Dad's plans, but wait!
They're identical

Octopunk said...

Saw Mork and Mindy
Waited months to watch again
Ugh, same episode!

Hey Mork, nice planet
All coked-out standup comics
We should invade them

Octopunk said...

I never got why
All those girls dwindled to four
Where are Tootie's skates?

Octopunk said...

Just five minutes left
Haiku Hump Day near over
Have I another?

Octopunk said...

Ummm....

If you want awesome
Scope the Barney Miller theme
Makes you wanna watch

nowandzen said...

Ginger Mary Anne
Damaged red head or cute hick
I say why not both

nowandzen said...

Here's hope a chance off
Wrong way feldman constantly
Stuck it to them hard