Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Haiku Hump Day - The Comic Strip!

Come on admit it, the comics page is the first place you go when you’re in possession of a newspaper. Swine Flu? Fires? Floods? George Bush does something stupid? Meh. What I want to know is what’s going on with all my friends on the funny pages.

The Providence Journal has the worst comic strips. When I was a kid my grandparents in Connecticut would save me the Sunday funnies and whenever we visited I had a nice pile to go through. It was only in the Harford Chronicle (or whatever it was called) that I could catch up on the Star Wars strip (yes, there was a fucking Star Wars strip!) and the timeless gang from Archie comics.

Most people make New Year’s resolutions pertaining to something they would like to change about their lives. Many choose to lose weight, as evidenced by all the fatties in my gym, and others opt to give up bad habits. In 2004 I made a very important decision that I have stuck with to this day. I made a resolution that I would follow the adventures of Rex Morgan, M.D. and The Amazing Spider-Man comic strips daily. For most of my life I have glossed over the “serious”, continuing story comic strips, but a part of me always wondered what it would be like to actually follow a story all the way through. Five years later I can tell you the answer to that question; it’s not very satisfying, not at all. Both move at a glacial pace and there is a lot of redundancy throughout the week. The Sunday strips are a complete waste as they are designed for people who might only follow the stories on Sundays so what you’re left with is a basic recap of the week.

My favorite strip of all time is, of course, Peanuts. While it looks like a kid strip, it’s really Schulz’s autobiography and it’s full of worry and despair. The man himself was a miserable human being who disliked children and suffered from chronic anxiety and depression. Here’s the last one Schulz wrote, dictated from his sick bed. It came out on the same day he died,

What’s most striking about the daily comics is how bad most of them are. JSP and I were discussing this issue the other night and we both observed that the longest running strips are the least funny. I mean, how do strips like Cathy, Blondie, Hagar the Horrible, and Family Circus still exist, and who laughs at those? Don’t believe me? Here’s today’s Family Circus,

The comic strip is a rich area to be mined. There are just so many questions! For example, have you ever noticed that Cathy sweats like a pig in nearly ever strip? Why? Does she have hyperhydrosis?

And have you ever noticed that every Garfield strip is exactly the same?

One of the craziest patients I ever worked with was a compulsive hoarder who had 20 years worth of newspapers stored in his house from floor to ceiling. When I asked him why he kept them he said, "I Don't want to throw them away until I read all the Marmaduke's." 'Nuff said.

Man I miss The Far Side,

My new favorite is a strip called "Bliss", it’s incredibly sarcastic. They tried it in the Providence Journal but of course nobody liked it and instead the idiots in Rhode Island chose some unfunny strip about frogs.

So enjoy the topic, folks. I look forward to reading your comic strip musings!


Catfreeek said...

'member Better Half?
That couple, always fighting
They should have divorced

What's with Andy Capp?
His wife an abusive bitch
No wonder he drank

Ashamed to admit
I hated some comic cats
Garfield & Heathcliff

JPX said...

Dennis the Menace
Always bothering Wilson
I would've killed him

The Family Circus
Not everything is "precious"
Most are annoying

For Better For Worse
Ugly and boring people
A biography?

JPX said...

Read Prince Valiant?
I've never finished one strip
I'd rather drink piss

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I'm a stupid dog
And I've never been funny
Marmaduke's the name

JPX said...

I don't get Hagar
His wife looks like a Buick
The best he could do?

Doonesbury's too dense
I know I should like this strip
Exhausting to read

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I sure hate Mondays
But I love my lasagna!
Lobotomize me

Johnny Sweatpants said...

For Better or Worse?
I'll have to go with "for worse"
Trite, useless drivel

AC said...

nothing beats far side.
the snake with the "pegbody"?
funniest ever!

AC said...

i don't even read
the sunday "funnies" these days.
why? they're not funny.

cathy: negative
stereotypes of women.
what's worse: not funny.

you know i love cats
but garfield is obnoxious.
worse still: not funny.

JPX said...

Oh no, could it be
My haiku topic is bad
Where is everyone?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Anyone who finds
Humor in Family Circus
Should be burned alive

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Nah, this is a great topic! It's just that no one's contributing because they suck.

Handsome Stan's a jerk
He disappeared suddenly
And he's not handsome

Miko where's the beef?
Can't be bothered to compose
one measly haiku?

JPX said...

I hate Andy Capp
I hate reading the accent
Speak like me, damn it!

Close to Home just sucks
It's a wantabe Far Side
Without the humor

Octopunk said...

Never been as good
Since Calvin and Hobbes ended
Yes, Hobbes IS alive

Octopunk said...

Elephant, phone booth
His leg's now a wastebasket
Who's he talking to?

Octopunk said...

Family Suck-Ass
Lame invisible "Not Me"
Call the Ghostbusters

Octopunk said...

I love Peanuts, but
Chuck's relentless misery
Equals Columbine

Catfreeek said...

My favorite cat
he resides in Bloom County
Yeah, I love ole Bill

Poor little Opus
He's always losing his ass
the tape never held

Far Side is all gone
Bloom County flew away too
All the good ones leave

One good comic left
I enjoy Non Sequitur
still won't buy paper

Catfreeek said...

I know I'm old but
Anyone else remember,
Zippy the Pinhead?

HandsomeStan said...

ProJo horrible
Each strip written by machine
I see dead comics

Comic strip world died
With The Far Side retiring
Now, unchecked dumbness

(I feel SO badly about missing the last 2 weeks. I'll try to make up for it here. And JSP, I heard that...)

HandsomeStan said...

If I get injured
Don't send Rex Morgan my way
I'll die of boredom

Don't get Mary Worth
What does she do, anyway?
Make her a stripper

HandsomeStan said...

Family needs midget,
Monkeys, and bearded lady
To be a "Circus"

HandsomeStan said...

That "Red and Rover" -
It ain't the 50s, douchebag
Get with the future

Catfreeek said...

Ugh, Family Circus
been doing the same old shit
for past 50 years

One thing puzzles me
Just how did Dagwood Bumstead
land babe like Blondie

and Prince Valiant
what a total fag he is
with a bowl haircut

Where did Ziggy go?
I always liked his cute dog
the comic was dumb

Remember Love is?
it was two naked children
who's idea was that

HandsomeStan said...

Dennis The Menace
Show sucked, strip sucks, the kid sucks
Who's really a fan?

HandsomeStan said...

I've never liked dogs -
Smelly beasts. My worst nightmare?
Owning Marmaduke

Catfreeek said...

Thought, Mr.Wilson
Murders and buries Dennis
then Ruff digs him up

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Don't forget Dilbert!
Actually... forget Dilbert
Steaming pile o'suck

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Welcome back Handsome Stan! I take back all the mean things I said about you. Hilarious entries from everyonge thus far!

Dull braindead humor
That Hagar the Horrible
He was aptly named

HandsomeStan said...

Not done with this one -
B.C was more relevant
Than Red and Rover

Stupid charming dog
Oh, the kid can hear your thoughts?
Makes me want to puke

HandsomeStan said...

The Wizard of Id
I just know nothing about
The Wizard of Id

Funky Winkerbean -
Also hazy. Bunch of teens -
An Archie ripoff?

JPX said...

Sexually harassed
It was Miss Buxley's own fault
Always looking hot

AC said...

peanuts strip we all
wanted: patty and marcie
finally come out.

AC said...

doonesbury very
cerebral, must have market:
folks smarter than me.

AC said...

popeye started as
a minor character in
'20s comic strip.

AC said...

anyone else read
asterix and obelix?
french, but still funny.

Catfreeek said...

I did like B.C.
no one wanted to buy wheel
and the clams had feet

My personal quest
find the guy who writes Dilbert
kick him in the nuts

New England's Bousquet
Guess we're supposed to be proud
not so embarrassed

I just don't get it
I mean, enough about clams
unless they have feet

Catfreeek said...

Sunday funnies had
Beakman and Jax science stuff
told me why poop's brown

50PageMcGee said...

Let's make a comic
Like Snoopy but with no funny
call it "Fred Basset"

JPX said...

The perfect endings,
Jon runs over fat Garfield
He claims accident

Cathy's husband leaves
Cites too much fucking drama
Concludes life's too short

Wilson brains Dennis
He gets life without parole
Claims it was worth it

Not Me reveals self
The kids were right, he is real
He burns down the house

Marmaduke, rabid
Terrorizes the neighbors
He's quickly put down

Andy Capp found dead
Apparently choked on puke
Dies with a smile

Dagwood gets fired
He comes home early in shock
Finds wife with mailman

Morgan makes mistake
Patient dies horrible death
Loses his license

Mary Worth found dead
Collapsed near the telephone
Learns that gossip kills

Poor Beetle Baily
He's killed by friendly fire
A mistake, really?

HandsomeStan said...

The Cathy Dialogue Formula:

Panel one: blah blah
Panel three: blah blah blah blah!
Panel four: blah blah

HandsomeStan said...

Where'd we be without
Hi & Lois and Foxtrot?
Yup - nowhere different

Bunch of talking birds
Living and working in trees
Title? Well - duh!..."Shoe"

What was Mark Trail's deal?
A "comic" about "nature?"
Nothing comic there

If a bear ate Trail
Then we'd be on to something
"Anyone seen Mark?"

JPX said...

If you read Cathy
Only read first and last cell
The rest are filler

Dana's Brain said...

DilBERT, DilBERT, Dil-
Oops. Ran out of syllables.
Likes me some Dilbert.

I just can't help it,
Who doesn't love sarcastic
dogs? No one, that's who.

Oops, I take that back.
JSP and Freeek hate him,
Cover the nads, Dude!

Oh, Gary Larson!
I weep for missing your words.
Talking insects rule!

Best Larson ever:
PreHistory of Far Side
Gets inside his head.

Get good ones from Jeff
Knows my bedtime habit
Comics until sleep

He turned me on to
Foxtrot and Citizen Dog
Laugh out loud moments.

Wanna know the truth?
When I do read the comics,
Good/Bad - I read them.

HandsomeStan said...

I don't know if I first heard of this here or elsewhere, but it's absolutely hilarious. Someone figured out that if you simply take out Garfield's dialogue, the strip becomes unintentionally hilarious. Check it out:

HandsomeStan said...

And this is just as good:

HandsomeStan said...

Nancy and Sluggo
Two VERY ugly children
I can't sympathize

L'il Orphan Annie
Someday Daddy Warbucks might
Buy her some pupils

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Bought a newspaper
Hoping for inspiration
Terrible idea

"The Fusco Brothers"
Never heard of it before
Never will again

"Bizarro", what's this?
Sure it's pretty f'in weird
But I'm not smiling

Head's up - "Sally Forth"!
I dare say made me chuckle
A pleasant surprise?

"Dennis the Menace"
Says some unfunny bullshit
And nobody laughs

'Fraid not "Doonesbury"
Neither funny nor clever
You've wasted my time

Bordering on criminal
"The Knight's Life", is it?

Sigh, "Rhymes With Orange"
Useless, brainless, awful tripe
(No third line needed)

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