Thursday, August 20, 2009

Haiku Hump Day Results: The Roast Was Delicious! (sorry for the late post)


Well, what a stimulating day of negativity! I would like to state, for the record, that Johnny Sweatpants is really a helluva guy, and my best friend. I cannot imagine a world in which his humor and his personality were not an integral part of how I look at life. I can only hope that the rest of you, and the world at large, view it the same way.

I look at his sense of humor VS mine the way that Jimmy Olsen looks at himself VS Superman. I’ll take the pictures and follow you around, but I can’t carry Miss Lane AND a helicopter. Could never hope to, could never aspire to. I mean that in the most sincerest way possible.

This second picture has nothing to do with anything. I just think it’s awesome. And I want to have babies with this woman.

Ditto his ability at all sorts of games. He possesses the mind of an advanced human being, and I hope to God, I hope to Hell, I hope to the Utterly Indifferent Universe that I could someday be an uncle to his offspring. Because THOSE kids would kick the shit out of other kids at Ms. Pac Man. We would see to it. And it would be a crime against Nature for his gene pool to lie stagnant. As I feel about my own. But that’s a topic for a WHOLE other blog.

Awww. Little Sweatpants! Just look at him go!

That notwithstanding, we had a lot of good Sweatpants-bashing this week. Here’s JPX, with a great assortment of brotherly rage:

Don't play games with him
Frustrating experience
You will never win


He's lost many phones
More phones than I have fingers
Who loses a phone?

(Brilliant, and not the place to get into JSP’s lack of common sense about basic items. I once had to order a pizza for him from New York, to be delivered in San Francisco, or Walnut Creek, or whatever the hell.)

AC, whose brainchild this all was, dropped some serious bombs about everyone, and recovered from her initial weekly All Copout haikus:

johnny's a bastard
got me to join facebook,
then whipped me at word twist

miko's a bastard
joined our clan, made us love him,
divorced our asses

jordan's a bastard
a writer who won't haiku;
use an alias!

Catfreeeek, never one to disappoint, had SO many gems, and for a while I thought she had the title:

Stan wrestled my kids
Taught Zeke the famous nut shot
He screwed himself there

(so true…so true…)

JSP's love life
At the Showcase Cinema
Dumb concessionists

Do I have that right?
Stan dated those dim wits too
Some easy targets

And Puffinslayer
Too busy gluing his ears
So they looked elvish

(All of which is SO true…SO true…)

Trevor, Tami’s Friend and Math Teacher, even got involved, with a couple that almost had me awarding him the title:

Johnny - Don't know him
I don't know any of you
Gonna stay that way

Johnny Sweatpants tale
Kissed me on the mouth after
my wedding! - not true.

In the end, Julie takes the title this week with two well-placed barbs that hit a double bullseye, one staying true to the “roast” spirit and effectively destroying everyone at once:

Too many haikus.
You all kind of suck, really.
I mean, get a life.

Every Wednesday, I couldn’t imagine a better haiku, no matter what the topic. And then there was this nugget, based on (in theory) the kid mashing his hands on the keyboard:

Zack can't type for shit.
Is it mean to roast babies?
'Cause you know, yummy!

The entire concept of baby roasting, especially considering that she was trashing her own (based on horrible typing skills), was the knockout blow. It went down to the basis of humor: here’s a mom, offering up her child for devouring, with Catfreeeek waiting in the wings for leftovers. The reader is JOLTED into a situation that demands their brain accept two very different concepts.

Such is the stuff of brilliant comedy. As Mel Brooks once famously said, “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when YOU walk into an open sewer and die.” I think I may have quoted that one before. I suck.

Congratulations, Julie, and nicely done, everyone!


Catfreeek said...

Brilliant win Julie!

Great job all around, can't remember the last time I laughed so much in one day.

Amazing topic Stan, you really are awesome!

AC said...

great wrapup, handsome stan, and for the record i am a huge fan of johnny sweatpants. he's like the mischievous little brother i never had (i do have a little brother but he's not particularly mischievous).

the minute i saw julie's entries i had to bow (mentally) to their witty perfection. congratulations julie! and i think zack's haiku was excellent, considering his age and all. how many 1-year-olds even use the form?

HandsomeStan said...

Again, credit where credit is due: this was the brainchild of that Powerpuff girl right there.

Thinking outside the 'ku! Thanks again, AC!

Dana's Brain said...

Nice work, Julie! That one made me crack up as well.

Sorry I missed - again. And I have no good excuse AT ALL.

I did, however chat with the elusive miko yesterday and yelled at him for dropping off the face of the planet. He said he was going to do some 'ku's, but he was clearly lying. Jerk.

AC said...

you're too kind, stan; i just thought of jsp as a topic; you came up with the roast idea, which was the genius part. maybe i can return the favor, though, by posting one of your other pet topics if i ever win this dang thing again (you know, either the one sweatpants will win, or the one jpx will win. how funny would it be if one of those topics came from me?).

i am glad to hear miko is alive 'n' all even if he did bareface lie to dana's brain about 'kuing. how was vacation, dana's brain?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Well thank you Handsome Stan, those were very kind words and I'm red with embarrassment, perhaps drunkenness. The feeling is mutual and warm (but not in a gay way so please stop sexting me).

I love the roast idea and hope to see it again in the future. I'm all too ready to roast the shit out of JPX.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

As far as the "jabs" that impressed the Christ out of me, I was terrified when Catfreeek whipped out this haiku:

A bit of advice
Strawberry daiquiris are
best served on the floor

Not one of my finer moments yet I regret nothing. Let us never speak of this again.

I was also very impressed with Octopunk as he went for the jugular:

Live in Walnut Creek?
Why bother moving westward
To lame-ass Lametown?

Kiss is for losers
Oh yeah, your Kiss blog -- sorry!
That you're a loser

For the record, all of my friends in the area live in Berkeley, Oakland or San Francisco. I get shit on a weekly basis about living in Walnut Creek and get constant pressure to move out of this soccer mom suburban Hell on earth. I see their point, believe me I do, but... weather is really important to me.

(KISS needs no defense.)

Puffinslayer said...

I'm hoping you stay in Walnut Creek. If you move to Berkley, it'll take forever to reach your sorry no-car-drivin ass.

And for the record, it's totally possible to beat JSP at board games. They just can't be ones that he's played before. Or heard about. Or seen in a store.

Wish I'd been paying attention this week, so I could have joined in.

Elf ears. . . .hahahahahaha. Forgot about that.

Catfreeek said...

I have pictures of those elf ears hehehe