Thursday, August 13, 2009

Haiku Results are in!

After some dud topics on my end (The Simpsons, Swine Flu), I was very pleased that I finally posted a topic that brought out the best in people. Before I announce the winner you must endure the long drawn out process of praising the runners up. Or I suppose you could just scroll down. Everybody was on fire this week so there’s a lot to cover.

Octo gets points for going there.

A great parking place!
Never mind, it's handicapped
Lucky jerk cripples!

50 Page spewed some nice venom at pretentious people:

his name's NOT Van GoCK
you're not only dead, dead wrong
you sound like a prick

Catfreeek sprayed bullets at Walmart, the Verizon guy, lousy tippers, bad drivers, Mormons, maxi pad commercials, the film industry and whiners among others. My personal favorite:

Power walking peeps
You know how stupid you look?
Honestly, it's bad

AC was unexpectedly rage-filled and also hilarious.

entitled people
want their needs met right away
fuck you and YOUR needs

elevator farts
couldn't hold it ten seconds?
somehow i doubt it

I almost called the match right after that elevator bit and I was chuckling about it even as I went to sleep.

But then there was Handsome Stan and JPX… Stan gave Van Halen a thorough thrashing, culminating in this masterpiece:

Fucking Van Halen
"Right Now"? No, Sammy Hagar.
Not now, not ever

He also gave those fucking Yankees a piece of his mind:

The team wins a lot
Don't change the fact that they all
Look like asshole cops

And don’t get him started on gym etiquette…

Glad you're working out
But don't fucking talk to me
I'll spot myself, thanks

Oh no here he comes
Rather be choked by barbell
Than talk to shitheads

(Incidentally I nominate those last two for the nonexistent haiku hall of fame.) On the other hand, no one was safe from JPX! Like Mohammed Ali, he unleashed Hell in every direction. All of the following are worth revisiting:

In the check-out line
Don't pay with a fucking check
It makes me hate you

Please don't shit at work
We have just one bathroom here
I don't need your stink

Being held hostage
By people discussing sports
Is my greatest fear

The Walmart "greeter"
Always gives the worst greetings
Born without a brain

Don't you hate people
Who cross the street extra slow?
My car will kill you

I don't want fucking cookies!
Stop bothering me

Religious people
God doesn't care about you
He doesn't exist

The leaves are changing
Crappy New England summer!
Now 8 months of cold

Don't borrow my book
If you intend to crease it
I like my books new

I just can't stand it
When strangers try to converse
Small talk makes me cringe

Saying you're 'vegan'
Just tells me that you have an
Eating disorder

I can’t award the victory to JPX is because I don’t want to be accused of a “brother conspiracy”. (He gave me the nod last week.) Therefore this week goes to Handsome Stan! Congratulations!


Catfreeek said...

I still think Millvina looks like her head is on a platter in that last pic.

JSP I don't envy the decision you had to make this week if I had to choose I would say everyone was a winner, I laughed all day.

Congrats to Stan for pulling off the win!

HandsomeStan said...

I am ASTOUNDED. I've been in an absentee-related slump for the last few weeks, which tore me up inside, and I didn't for a second expect a victory this week. I thought absolutely for sure that we would have had our first "repeat" champ in JPX, all of whom's 'kus (that was an odd couplet of words to punctuate...), in my humble opinion, blew mine out of the fucking water and were absolutely, hands-down hilarious for so many different reasons. I'm glad JSP's guilt trumped all, but truly, I think JPX was the People's Champ this week.

In fact, the whole crew all had that certain "je ne sais ku" this week, where every entry gave me that feeling of "Damn! Wish I'd said that!" I loved all of the mentions that JSP made, and I second and that the motion that Everybody Won.

Okay, pressure's on for next week, which coincidentally is the first Wednesday I'm not flying across the country or driving across New England, or having any kind of annoying employment to stand in my way.

Get ready, people, and thank you, JSP. You do me too much honor.

(Incidentally, since we're all winners this week :), I'll take any confidential topic suggestions via Facebook, especially ones that may draw out Landshark, Jordan, Miko, G, Puffinslayer, and so on...)

JPX said...

I was robbed.


HandsomeStan said...

I can't remember which other week it was, but I was CONVINCED I would "repeat" as champion. I think Octo had a late night charge that thwarted me, though.

In all seriousness, your shit was flat out HYSTERICAL.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Don't sell yourself short Stan. The one line "Oh no here he comes" killed and resonated with me like you wouldn't believe. That's precisely why I don't belong to a gym.

Still, we all know JPX ran the table this week.

AC said...

jsp, truly a great topic, and i'm not just brown-nosing this time; thanks for the hm.

handsome stan, well done.

i'm guessing jpx isn't sleeping tonight. :(

HandsomeStan said...

Tossing and turning, no doubt.

But your whole "brown-nose" one, AC, was a GREAT delayed-action grenade of a haiku.

Pull the pin, throw it over the wall, and wait to see what happens. It was my SECOND reading of it, an hour later, that I said to myself, "Ah yes. She is great."

50PageMcGee said...

i like the idea that it's the entire week that's going to him and not just the title. if we'd all lived closer together, we could have had a crown.

okay, stupid idea.

nice going stan. the van halen one was pretty classic.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

"Rather be choked by barbell
Than talk to shitheads" I think I need to make a t-shirt out of it.

Dana's Brain said...

I'm sorry I didn't get anything in! I went back and read them all this morning and laughed my head off.

Great job everyone!