I must confess that this was entirely the brainchild of AC, and she deserves all the credit and/or blame. Once she mentioned it, I couldn't stop thinking about it. This was an utterly irresistible concept, to put up one of our own for celebration and ridicule in 17 syllables, and what better First Person than the Father of Haiku Hump Day, Johnny Sweatpants himself?
I'm quite certain that almost all of you have a good JSP story, either having been raised with him, or hung out with him, or been the subject of his wrath, or been beaten by him at any number of things, most likely chess, Scrabble or Boggle. Or all of the above in one sitting.
Just look at that smug bastard.
He & I have also had a decades-old battle for Ms. Pac Man high score supremacy, which spawned this victory photo of his.
For his version of events, check it out here.
Of course, everyone should remember that at a proper Roast, it's not just the Roastee who should be the target. No one is safe. I expect to hear from Whirlygirl regarding JPX's dishwashing ability, or maybe Dana's Brain trashing Puffinslayer from some unknown reason. And I know for a fact Catfreeek is salivating at this whole idea.
I look forward as well to the inevitable JSP backlash.
Happy Roast-a-thon, everybody! Remember, NO ONE is safe!!!
81 comments:
Fart in megaphone
Then Stan does Jimmy Fund Speech
Just so very wrong
Run, jump over Tom
While farting down in midair
THAT'S sphincter control
(while employed with me at McDonald's...)
Out of McChicken's?
Three McNuggets should work fine
Customer complained
Let's NOT play Boggle
100 points in 2 minutes?
You freak of nature
Nope, no chess either
Checkmate within 7 moves?
I got ONE knight out
"What lesson" you ask?
JSP don't give a fuck
Watch out for his ass
QUITE complicated
Whether it's ass, gas, or grass
You're all over it
I hate Bruce Springsteen
His music is generic
Dull as dishwater
Suc k it Mellancamp
You make me puke violently
Just like rap music
What else do I hate…
I don’t much care for Texas
Secede already
Always broke my toys
I'd find headless Star Wars figs
Our dad would glue them
Don't play games with him
Frustrating experience
You will never win
If you start to win
He gets in a foul mood
I have never won
People wonder why
I despise playing board games
It's JSP's fault
I've never played chess
"Why?", you ask, "How can this be?"
It's JSP's fault
I don't play card games
In fact, I don't know how to
It's JSP's fault
Went to his party
Gave me an extra strong drink
I slept the whole time
Sweatpants missing point
Start attacking H'Thonners
See some fireworks
Who is this "Trevor?"
For that matter, who's "Tami?"
And who's friend is she?
I'm Puffinslayer
I have got nothing to do
And nothing to say
Must...feed...18...cats...
Add extra "e" to my name
Can't...post...gross haikus...
Take Super Pac-Man
I schooled him about high scores
Then he schooled me back
HandsomeStan's no saint
He likes to deport people
And then take their jobs
No one's really safe
The Stan will dish and take it
Nice giant green fist
Remember Miko?
He used to visit this blog
Where the hell is he?
And Pac-Man Junior
Don't forget THAT ass-whooping
Because I haven't
To Octo:
He had it coming
Revolutionary War
Should have taught something
While at Disney World
He made me watch 'Tiki Birds'
God that's a bad show!
Sure you want this Stan?
The drunken tales Cat can tell
Like a daiquiri?
A bit of advice
Strawberry daiquiris are
best served on the floor
JSP's love life
at the Showcase Cinema
dumb concessionists
Do I have that right?
Stan dated those dim wits too
some easy targets
and Puffinslayer
too busy gluing his ears
so they looked elvish
Why even bother
JPX has this week bagged
most material
as for JPX
Haikuing all the day long
Do you ever work?
JSP used me
for my N64 set
played while I'm at work
Lured my kids to play
Then he showed them no mercy
made them cry and laughed
Then his Mom called here
sparks flying right through the phone
he left with great haste
Home to empty house
Map of Riverside on desk
Shit, she's coming here!
JSP's not best
In Scrabble I kick his ass
just not in Boggle
Stan wrestled my kids
taught Zeke the famous nut shot
He screwed himself there
One night I recall
JSP babysat Chris
puking through the night
As I remember,
Chris said, "The toilet says Church.
you think it's a sign?"
Whirlygirl too busy
Can't even write one Haiku
That busy? Puh-leeeez!
and where is Miko
thinks he's too damn good for us
We'll just hunt you down
i pitched this topic
but there's no way i can win
ain't cool, ain't clever
Johnny - Don't know him.
I don't know any of you.
Gonna stay that way
You all seem so nice
Sarcasm Entertains me
Work goes by quickly
I'm a math teacher
Heard about the thon for years
Now I'm addicted
Tami loved the Thon
She's a friend of Octopunk
He is a friend to all
Johnny Sweatpants tale:
Kissed me on the mouth after
my wedding! - not true.
He's lost many phones
More phones than I have fingers
Who loses a phone?
Start spreading the news
Anyone who doesn't post
Fucking dead to me
Haha! Johnny's tale
Trevor is my new hero
I choked on that one
don't act so surprised
johnny wins each game he plays
by subtle cheating
i can't roast thonners
i'm just not meanly funny
get me bruce vilanch!
50P hiding
Not eager to roast Johnny
scared of the fallout?
Landshark forgot us
guess he's been far too busy
sending candygrams
Brain and Desroc too
both are missing in action
send a search party
AC's just too nice
holding back on the insults
will Mr. AC?
I just realized
Jordan has never Haikued
wit that's sadly missed
Deleted comment
Wonder what it said, for sure
about JPX
Scrabble doesn't count
It's just 50% skill
Luck of the letters
Chess, now there's a game
None of my friends will play me
Except 50 Page
50 Vs. Stan
I think you're evenly matched
You should have a go
I missed the roast part
Now it’s on motherfuckers
Who wants some beatings?
Stan sucks at Pacman
Risks his life for a cherry
Such a senseless waste
JPX & games –
The real reason he abstains
He’s kinda stupid
Thwart my Scrabble skill
I've never swapped out letters
now that takes some skill
Jordan never posts
I suspect he reads these though
And wears women's clothes
Octopunk my friend
You have too many Legos
Do you need all those?
The roast is SIZZLIN!
Cat's got claws, Sweatpants just bawls
While Stan is awesome
(I LOVE Trevor's first one, btw. And his last one. So MUCH good material here...)
since stan backed idea
i will try to grow a pair
and dish out some roast
johnny's a bastard
got me to join facebook, then
whipped me at word twist
miko's a bastard
joined our clan, made us love him,
divorced our asses
jordan's a bastard
a writer who won't haiku;
use an alias!
Handsome Stan go left!
Leave the damn cherry alone!
Sigh, he never learns
Then there's the Gretch Thing
Pants a little TOO obsessed
Almost disturbing
MUST get cherry first
Very symbolic fruit choice
Those perverted Japs
Only a hundred?
Cherry should be a million
With a few high-fives
Have your pretzel, Pants
And your banana as well
Pretty gay choices
Nice dishing AC!
Stan won't suggest your letters
Stand for "All Cop-out"
don't make me roast rick
he's a chef, remember? and
you don't piss off chefs
whew! saved by the bell.
stan had "All Cop-out" haiku
would have made me cry
Then there's Dana's Brain
Was there an aneurism?
Facebook and blog - poof!
Miko has his guns
I hear he's a lousy shot
Couldn't hit a church
Too bad this contest
Is not about the spelling
* cough * "Aneurysm"
AC's agnostic
I think that's quite peculiar
She should know better
Pants, stop deflecting
Let's get back to how you suck
Suck at everything
Friggin' 50 Page
All of my girl friends love him
Glad he's in L.A.
paltry 800
that's my facebook chess rating
all because of pants
jpx whirly
nice folk, and they rescued me
from jealous lover
(they might not even know this themselves)
Oh really, Handsome?
Last time we played racquetball
You were sucking wall
This isn't about ME
I'm busy sucking...down beers
At that I'm AWESOME
Live in Walnut Creek?
Why bother moving westward
To lame-ass Lametown?
Kiss is for losers
Oh yeah, your Kiss blog -- sorry!
That you're a loser
how can you know there's
no god? did god tell you so?
or maybe.... SATAN?
JPX showed me
JSP's Chess Life cover
Posing uber-nerds
jjjy yfb57jnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnnnnnnbh4rf44ytd0257 bb FX DF DCC
(that one's from Zack)
handsome's a bastard
he won't watch horror movies!!!
kick him off the blog.
landshark's a bastard
teaches cool classes too far
away to audit
octo's a bastard
always swoops in at midnight
kicking haiku ass
i can't slam my girls
julie, cat, whirly, dana
unless they slam first
hey, didn't i once
beat jsp at billiards-
the one time we played?
and i'm old, and a
girl, and agnostic, and i
still beat him at pool
i can't bash 50
he lets me win at scrabble
and steals johnny's girls
Walnut Creek is lame
But it's always sunny here
Not so in Berkeley
where is jpx?
thought he'd have some epic 'ku
too scared of backlash?
won't bash jpx
been through much shit together
vet'rans of same war
won't bash jpx
if it wasn't for him, i
wouldn't know you guys
Too many haikus.
You all kind of suck, really.
I mean, get a life.
Zack can't type for shit.
Is it mean to roast babies?
'Cause you know, yummy!
Oh Stan's so awesome
we know because he tells us
every chance he gets
Julie is twisted
so I'll forgive her for now
if she shares baby
Zack - hear you loud, clear
Pants is TOTALLY jjjjjy
Couldn't agree more
Juiie, I'm crying
Tears of laughter. "Baby roast."
And that Cat wants some.
AC beat Johnny
Stan did too - with 5 sep'rate
No-look 8-ball shots
JPX busy
Talking to crazy people
End of day? Whirly.
(oh no he DIN'T...)
Fireball Island's MINE
My win rate is 100
JSP burned, died
JSP wakes up
And farts like a symphony
You HAVE to love that
Star Wars Trivia
JSP can't hold candle
To my lightsaber
Just watched Bret "Hitman"
Lose to Jumpin' Jim Brunzell
Where's your hero now???
MSG Classics
One of a a very few things
Good about New York
Don't dis New York, Stan
On three sides of Hoboken
Is Jersey City
Touche, Octopunk
Don't like where I am at all
It smells like garbage
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