Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Haku Hump Day: Celebrity Roast Edition! This Week's Subject: JOHNNY SWEATPANTS!

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I must confess that this was entirely the brainchild of AC, and she deserves all the credit and/or blame. Once she mentioned it, I couldn't stop thinking about it. This was an utterly irresistible concept, to put up one of our own for celebration and ridicule in 17 syllables, and what better First Person than the Father of Haiku Hump Day, Johnny Sweatpants himself?

I'm quite certain that almost all of you have a good JSP story, either having been raised with him, or hung out with him, or been the subject of his wrath, or been beaten by him at any number of things, most likely chess, Scrabble or Boggle. Or all of the above in one sitting.

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Just look at that smug bastard.

He & I have also had a decades-old battle for Ms. Pac Man high score supremacy, which spawned this victory photo of his.

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For his version of events, check it out here.

Of course, everyone should remember that at a proper Roast, it's not just the Roastee who should be the target. No one is safe. I expect to hear from Whirlygirl regarding JPX's dishwashing ability, or maybe Dana's Brain trashing Puffinslayer from some unknown reason. And I know for a fact Catfreeek is salivating at this whole idea.

I look forward as well to the inevitable JSP backlash.

Happy Roast-a-thon, everybody! Remember, NO ONE is safe!!!

81 comments:

HandsomeStan said...

Fart in megaphone
Then Stan does Jimmy Fund Speech
Just so very wrong

HandsomeStan said...

Run, jump over Tom
While farting down in midair
THAT'S sphincter control

HandsomeStan said...

(while employed with me at McDonald's...)

Out of McChicken's?
Three McNuggets should work fine
Customer complained

HandsomeStan said...

Let's NOT play Boggle
100 points in 2 minutes?
You freak of nature

Nope, no chess either
Checkmate within 7 moves?
I got ONE knight out

Johnny Sweatpants said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Johnny Sweatpants said...

"What lesson" you ask?
JSP don't give a fuck
Watch out for his ass

HandsomeStan said...

QUITE complicated
Whether it's ass, gas, or grass
You're all over it

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I hate Bruce Springsteen
His music is generic
Dull as dishwater

Suc k it Mellancamp
You make me puke violently
Just like rap music

What else do I hate…
I don’t much care for Texas
Secede already

JPX said...

Always broke my toys
I'd find headless Star Wars figs
Our dad would glue them

Don't play games with him
Frustrating experience
You will never win

If you start to win
He gets in a foul mood
I have never won

People wonder why
I despise playing board games
It's JSP's fault

I've never played chess
"Why?", you ask, "How can this be?"
It's JSP's fault

I don't play card games
In fact, I don't know how to
It's JSP's fault

Went to his party
Gave me an extra strong drink
I slept the whole time

HandsomeStan said...

Sweatpants missing point
Start attacking H'Thonners
See some fireworks

Who is this "Trevor?"
For that matter, who's "Tami?"
And who's friend is she?

I'm Puffinslayer
I have got nothing to do
And nothing to say

Must...feed...18...cats...
Add extra "e" to my name
Can't...post...gross haikus...

Octopunk said...

Take Super Pac-Man
I schooled him about high scores
Then he schooled me back

Octopunk said...

HandsomeStan's no saint
He likes to deport people
And then take their jobs

HandsomeStan said...

No one's really safe
The Stan will dish and take it
Nice giant green fist

JPX said...

Remember Miko?
He used to visit this blog
Where the hell is he?

HandsomeStan said...

And Pac-Man Junior
Don't forget THAT ass-whooping
Because I haven't

HandsomeStan said...

To Octo:

He had it coming
Revolutionary War
Should have taught something

JPX said...

While at Disney World
He made me watch 'Tiki Birds'
God that's a bad show!

Catfreeek said...

Sure you want this Stan?
The drunken tales Cat can tell
Like a daiquiri?

A bit of advice
Strawberry daiquiris are
best served on the floor

JSP's love life
at the Showcase Cinema
dumb concessionists

Do I have that right?
Stan dated those dim wits too
some easy targets

and Puffinslayer
too busy gluing his ears
so they looked elvish

Why even bother
JPX has this week bagged
most material

as for JPX
Haikuing all the day long
Do you ever work?

Catfreeek said...

JSP used me
for my N64 set
played while I'm at work

Lured my kids to play
Then he showed them no mercy
made them cry and laughed

Then his Mom called here
sparks flying right through the phone
he left with great haste

Home to empty house
Map of Riverside on desk
Shit, she's coming here!

Catfreeek said...

JSP's not best
In Scrabble I kick his ass
just not in Boggle

Stan wrestled my kids
taught Zeke the famous nut shot
He screwed himself there

One night I recall
JSP babysat Chris
puking through the night

As I remember,
Chris said, "The toilet says Church.
you think it's a sign?"

Catfreeek said...

Whirlygirl too busy
Can't even write one Haiku
That busy? Puh-leeeez!

and where is Miko
thinks he's too damn good for us
We'll just hunt you down

AC said...

i pitched this topic
but there's no way i can win
ain't cool, ain't clever

Trevor (Tami's friend) said...

Johnny - Don't know him.
I don't know any of you.
Gonna stay that way

You all seem so nice
Sarcasm Entertains me
Work goes by quickly

I'm a math teacher
Heard about the thon for years
Now I'm addicted

Tami loved the Thon
She's a friend of Octopunk
He is a friend to all

Johnny Sweatpants tale:
Kissed me on the mouth after
my wedding! - not true.

JPX said...

He's lost many phones
More phones than I have fingers
Who loses a phone?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Start spreading the news
Anyone who doesn't post
Fucking dead to me

Catfreeek said...

Haha! Johnny's tale
Trevor is my new hero
I choked on that one

AC said...

don't act so surprised
johnny wins each game he plays
by subtle cheating

AC said...

i can't roast thonners
i'm just not meanly funny
get me bruce vilanch!

Catfreeek said...

50P hiding
Not eager to roast Johnny
scared of the fallout?

Landshark forgot us
guess he's been far too busy
sending candygrams

Brain and Desroc too
both are missing in action
send a search party

Catfreeek said...

AC's just too nice
holding back on the insults
will Mr. AC?

Catfreeek said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Catfreeek said...

I just realized
Jordan has never Haikued
wit that's sadly missed

Catfreeek said...

Deleted comment
Wonder what it said, for sure
about JPX

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Scrabble doesn't count
It's just 50% skill
Luck of the letters

Chess, now there's a game
None of my friends will play me
Except 50 Page

50 Vs. Stan
I think you're evenly matched
You should have a go

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I missed the roast part
Now it’s on motherfuckers
Who wants some beatings?

Stan sucks at Pacman
Risks his life for a cherry
Such a senseless waste

JPX & games –
The real reason he abstains
He’s kinda stupid

Catfreeek said...

Thwart my Scrabble skill
I've never swapped out letters
now that takes some skill

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Jordan never posts
I suspect he reads these though
And wears women's clothes

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Octopunk my friend
You have too many Legos
Do you need all those?

HandsomeStan said...

The roast is SIZZLIN!
Cat's got claws, Sweatpants just bawls
While Stan is awesome

(I LOVE Trevor's first one, btw. And his last one. So MUCH good material here...)

AC said...

since stan backed idea
i will try to grow a pair
and dish out some roast

johnny's a bastard
got me to join facebook, then
whipped me at word twist

miko's a bastard
joined our clan, made us love him,
divorced our asses

jordan's a bastard
a writer who won't haiku;
use an alias!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Handsome Stan go left!
Leave the damn cherry alone!
Sigh, he never learns

HandsomeStan said...

Then there's the Gretch Thing
Pants a little TOO obsessed
Almost disturbing

HandsomeStan said...

MUST get cherry first
Very symbolic fruit choice
Those perverted Japs

HandsomeStan said...

Only a hundred?
Cherry should be a million
With a few high-fives

HandsomeStan said...

Have your pretzel, Pants
And your banana as well
Pretty gay choices

HandsomeStan said...

Nice dishing AC!
Stan won't suggest your letters
Stand for "All Cop-out"

AC said...

don't make me roast rick
he's a chef, remember? and
you don't piss off chefs

AC said...

whew! saved by the bell.
stan had "All Cop-out" haiku
would have made me cry

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Then there's Dana's Brain
Was there an aneurism?
Facebook and blog - poof!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Miko has his guns
I hear he's a lousy shot
Couldn't hit a church

HandsomeStan said...

Too bad this contest
Is not about the spelling
* cough * "Aneurysm"

Johnny Sweatpants said...

AC's agnostic
I think that's quite peculiar
She should know better

HandsomeStan said...

Pants, stop deflecting
Let's get back to how you suck
Suck at everything

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Friggin' 50 Page
All of my girl friends love him
Glad he's in L.A.

50PageMcGee said...

paltry 800
that's my facebook chess rating
all because of pants

jpx whirly
nice folk, and they rescued me
from jealous lover

(they might not even know this themselves)

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Oh really, Handsome?
Last time we played racquetball
You were sucking wall

HandsomeStan said...

This isn't about ME
I'm busy sucking...down beers
At that I'm AWESOME

Octopunk said...

Live in Walnut Creek?
Why bother moving westward
To lame-ass Lametown?

Octopunk said...

Kiss is for losers
Oh yeah, your Kiss blog -- sorry!
That you're a loser

AC said...

how can you know there's
no god? did god tell you so?
or maybe.... SATAN?

Octopunk said...

JPX showed me
JSP's Chess Life cover
Posing uber-nerds

Octopunk said...

jjjy yfb57jnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnnnnnnbh4rf44ytd0257 bb FX DF DCC

(that one's from Zack)

AC said...

handsome's a bastard
he won't watch horror movies!!!
kick him off the blog.

landshark's a bastard
teaches cool classes too far
away to audit

octo's a bastard
always swoops in at midnight
kicking haiku ass

AC said...

i can't slam my girls
julie, cat, whirly, dana
unless they slam first

AC said...

hey, didn't i once
beat jsp at billiards-
the one time we played?

AC said...

and i'm old, and a
girl, and agnostic, and i
still beat him at pool

AC said...

i can't bash 50
he lets me win at scrabble
and steals johnny's girls

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Walnut Creek is lame
But it's always sunny here
Not so in Berkeley

AC said...

where is jpx?
thought he'd have some epic 'ku
too scared of backlash?

AC said...

won't bash jpx
been through much shit together
vet'rans of same war

won't bash jpx
if it wasn't for him, i
wouldn't know you guys

Julie said...

Too many haikus.
You all kind of suck, really.
I mean, get a life.

Julie said...

Zack can't type for shit.
Is it mean to roast babies?
'Cause you know, yummy!

Catfreeek said...

Oh Stan's so awesome
we know because he tells us
every chance he gets

Catfreeek said...

Julie is twisted
so I'll forgive her for now
if she shares baby

HandsomeStan said...

Zack - hear you loud, clear
Pants is TOTALLY jjjjjy
Couldn't agree more

Juiie, I'm crying
Tears of laughter. "Baby roast."
And that Cat wants some.

HandsomeStan said...

AC beat Johnny
Stan did too - with 5 sep'rate
No-look 8-ball shots

JPX busy
Talking to crazy people
End of day? Whirly.

(oh no he DIN'T...)

Octopunk said...

Fireball Island's MINE
My win rate is 100
JSP burned, died

HandsomeStan said...

JSP wakes up
And farts like a symphony
You HAVE to love that

Star Wars Trivia
JSP can't hold candle
To my lightsaber

HandsomeStan said...

Just watched Bret "Hitman"
Lose to Jumpin' Jim Brunzell
Where's your hero now???

MSG Classics
One of a a very few things
Good about New York

Octopunk said...

Don't dis New York, Stan
On three sides of Hoboken
Is Jersey City

HandsomeStan said...

Touche, Octopunk
Don't like where I am at all
It smells like garbage