Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Haiku Hump Day: Aliens! UFOs! The Unexplained!!!

Since I was a very small, handsome child, I have been utterly fascinated with all that paranormal stuff out there that cannot be easily explained. Aliens in particular made me crap my pants just thinking about them. (See my moving review of V: The Mini-Series here) For years, I had to close my eyes during the big “reveal” in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Fortunately, a couple of weeks ago, I finally made it through the whole thing.

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"I come in peace. Now toss me one of those beers."

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Hey humans - that’s a real nice runway you built for us. Too bad we’re flying a giant fucking chandelier.

I would like to think that the whole "alien thing" is real, on some level. Maybe it's an interdimensional thing, as Lucas and Spielberg touched upon in Indy 4. Maybe that's why they only appear and interact with random people at random times; something in the quantum foam only lets them get "through" to our universe at random times and places. (The aliens, not Lucas and Spielberg.)

Or, the cynic in me says that every unexplained light in the sky, moving at fantastic speeds and defying known laws of physics, and Area 51 and all that crap, is just our government and their equipment being WAY ahead of what they're telling us is technologically possible. They did do this with the SR-71 and the Stealth Bomber and the F-22 Raptor. But then, how'd we get THERE? Humans can't possibly be THAT smart, advanced, or secretive. There just can't be test pilots out there that are flying ships harnessing "zero-point" energy and "inertia-less" travel. Somebody, somewhere in the chain would have to be like, "Bro, you'd never BELIEVE what happened at work today..." Theories: reverse-engineering from the Roswell crash, or maybe Megatron really IS frozen under the Hoover Dam.

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At the risk of “Aliens and UFOs” not being a broad enough topic, I added “The Unexplained.” Generally, any fodder that you might find in an episode of In Search Of… or The X-Files is fair game.

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Okay, aliens - we GET it. The desert’s just one BIG Etch-a-Sketch to you. Stop mocking us.

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If you think this is great, you should see “The Penis On Mars.” Mountain range about 5 miles directly south…

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"Hi, I’m a giant monster that never ever comes up for air. Ever."

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Human or alien in origin, it doesn’t matter – whoever makes these things has WAY too much time on their hands.

Even if they're all faked, the questions remain - Why? How? And, What The Fuck?

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The big mystery here is why this camel looks so fucking smug.

Don’t get me started on the pyramids. There is so much shit going on there, and they are a PRIME example of how absolutely clueless we are about our own history. Tombs? Pffffft. No fucking WAY. HandsomeStan’s Theory, co-opted from a number of sources: the whole complex was really a power plant, with the Great Pyramid being the main “generator.” It harnessed the natural magnetic vibrations of the Earth itself as a power source. Just look at a cross section of the shafts – it makes NO earthly sense.

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I mean, seriously. All this is JUST a tomb? Why use schoolbus-sized rocks in the UPPER tiers? Why can't you slip a playing card between the masonry? IT JUST WASN'T POSSIBLE AT THE TIME. Why do any of this, just to bury some retard king? You couldn't even WALK up the "Grand Gallery" before we put in lights & stairs in this century. And the simple, unarguable fact that we, with all of our modern technology, could NOT build the Great Pyramid at Giza even if we wanted to. Um, sorry- big jarring problem for anybody? I could go on and on, but this italicized caption is not the place...

Suggested further reading: Fingerprints of the Gods, by Graham Hancock, and Giza Power Plant by Chris Dunn. The respective websites here and here. Check that shit out; it’ll blow your mind.

Oh, and the pyramids were built by a vanished race of people that lived in Atlantis, the landmass of which is currently sitting under the Antarctic ice. In case you weren’t aware of that. Google “Piri Reis map,” and set your faces to Stunned. Anyway, back to some Unexplained stuff…

PICTURE A:
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PICTURE B:
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If you took what’s in Picture A, and put it inside what’s in Picture B, you’d have something that would be unimaginably awesome.

To sum up, these pictures are only a guide. Don’t forget about the Bermuda Triangle, smoke monsters, tropical polar bears, poltergeists, ghosts, fairies, gnomes, witchcraft, spontaneous human combustion (bonus points for working THOSE 9 syllables into a haiku) cattle mutilations, Stonehenge, psychokinetics, telepathy…ANYTHING that has no rational explanation for its existence:

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The Truth Is Out There. Or, I hope, in the Comments section.

[From the Gender Awareness Department: Last week, while commenting on how awesome DCD’s new avatar was, I mistakenly referred to it as “his” new avatar. I was so used to Dana’s Brain (and also so totally hungover) that I made the quick assumption that it was Desroc, her husband. (Or, I guess, “desroc2.” What is WITH you people?) DCD became Dana’s Brain, who turned back into DCD. desroc2 is where he finally gets the title from Apollo Creed. Just so everyone’s up to speed. Which is to say, up to my own slow, retarded speed. Thank you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go try to figure out how to get water out of my kitchen faucet.]

ALIENS! UFOs! Yeah, people - bring it on!

(whistling those 5 notes from Close Encounters all day)

61 comments:

HandsomeStan said...

When we visit Mars
Should we bring our anal probes?
THEY certainly did

Tip for aliens:
Try appearing in cities
Near the smart people

Area 50
The shack next door where they keep
All the Mexicans

JPX said...

Why do U.F.O's
Only appear to rednecks?
When will I see one?

Alien footage
Is always out of focus
Buy a new camera!

In this day and age
Technology would help us
to debunk Loch Ness

Octopunk said...

When I was a kid
I wanted one thing the most:
UFO sighting

Octopunk said...

Telekinesis
Something else I demanded
Damn Witch Mountain punks

HandsomeStan said...

Like the Mayan race
Horrorthonners have vanished
Abducted, perhaps?

Octopunk said...

I met a hunter
Said he feared one animal
And that was Bigfoot

As I sat goggling
He described seeing the beast
Stand up and walk off

Why was it crouching?
I thought to myself later
Bigfoot take Big Dump?

AC said...

bigfoot? i say meh.
bet he wipes his ass with bears.
bet he smells real bad.

nessie is my fave
i've always hoped she exists
would make a cool pet

AC said...

the acs predict
the winning haiku includes
the phrase "anal probe"

AC said...

in total recall
an alien had three boobs
teenage nerds' wet dream

movies have it wrong
real aliens are likely
just some weird microbes

star trek had it wrong
would so many aliens
evolve as bipeds?

HandsomeStan said...

E.T. stranded here
They can cross all of space but
Can't take attendance

HandsomeStan said...

How spontaneous
That human just combusted
Hey! Pull my finger...

Octopunk said...

Ancient astronauts?
What kind of dumb crap is that?
Space is the future

AC said...

what about stonehenge
monumental mystery
and kick ass rock song

JPX said...

Wimpy aliens
Not much of a war of worlds
Done in by Earth germs

Catfreeek said...

About that Big Foot
Don't they say, those with big feet
are well endowed too

So he walks funny
trying to walk naked with
his huge dangling parts

Bunnies to big foots
used as tp and tampons
what else would they use?

Catfreeek said...

Why use anal probes
are they obsessed with colons?
or just collect poop

Aliens love ass
I picture them break-probing
to Sir Mix A Lot

So the abduction
of really huge assed humans
must be like pure gold

Catfreeek said...

Tried to move some things
by concentrating real hard
I got a headache

Looked for UFOs
but only saw some airplanes
so disappointing

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Aliens exist
Exhibit A: Ace Frehley
The defense now rests

HandsomeStan said...

Bigfoot in monster truck
Could just sit there motionless
And be, like, awesome

Aliens land
The porn industry steps in
Anal probe cumshot

(never thought I'd ever see the day when I would type those three words together, much less in a poem...)

Catfreeek said...

A real scary thought
I think I dated Big Foot
perhaps a cousin

Though not alien
I dated a guy named Space
he was scary too

Yet another date
a robed Satan worshipper
Johnny is jealous

HandsomeStan said...

I remember Space!
Or at least, I think I do
He looked like Diesel?

HandsomeStan said...

Fuck the U.F.O.s
I'll take any sighting of
Any more haikus

DCD said...

How come abductees
admit to the anal probes?
Embarrassing - no?

Also, what's up with
aliens all looking like
Close Encounters dudes?

Want me to believe?
Draw me a picture of a
NEW damn alien!

DCD said...

It's spontaneous...
It's apparently human...
We've got combustion!

DCD said...

Here's an unexplained:
I buy three pairs of new socks,
After wash? Just five.

JPX said...

Are aliens real?
Yes, how else do you explain
Gov. Sarah Palin?

Deathbed confession,
Ray Wallace faked Big Foot tracks
Yeah, we kinda knew

When aliens come
Religion will be debunked
So that's one good thing

DCD said...

Telekinesis.
That shit is cool. Unless you're
a freaky redhead.

DCD said...

They must be out there.
No way are we the only
"civilized" life forms.

They are the smart ones.
Probably take one look and
hightail it elsewhere!

DCD said...

Do they live with us?
I think I could pick some out,
Example? Oprah.

DCD said...

I'm with HandsomeStan,
Egypt must be a mecca
for some crazy shit.

Pyramids? Crazy.
I won't be surprised when they
lift off to go home.

JPX said...

We won't find E.T.'s
During the time I'm on Earth
This depresses me

I am now convinced
That Miko's from outer space
And he returned home

What happened to him?
Recently sent him email
He never wrote back

DCD said...

Maybe the miko
I talked to last week was a
stinking alien!

Catfreeek said...

JPX your wrong
nothing stops religious freaks
faith like super glue

The aliens come
it must be a sign from God
sent down to save us

AC said...

aerodynamics:
are saucers so flyable?
bet they just sit there.

AC said...

mr ac sez:

is it real or not
spontaneous combustion
a heated debate

where did my wife go
spontaneous commbustion
that's some pile of ash

can you plan about
spontaneous combustion
kind of ruins it

Catfreeek said...

Maybe the rapture
is just a mass abduction
foretold by prophets

The prophets left out
the part about anal probes
a slight oversight

AC said...

mr ac sez:

A frozen yeti
That is abominable
If you're a snowman

What's big, wet, and green
And asks you for tree-fitty?
The Loch Ness Monster

If the Men In Black
Were to go undercover
Would they dress in white?

Would higher life forms
Really be interested
In our anuses?

Catfreeek said...

You did meet Space Stan
We found him at the Gwar show
looks like Frank Zappa

Catfreeek said...

I got probed in June
had a colonoscopy
Alien doctor

I see an issue
before probing, cleanse colon
so the view is clear

What if abductee
went to the buffet that night
they're just full of shit

Catfreeek said...

M. Night what the fuck
Water kills the aliens?
What a twist? Think not!

HandsomeStan said...

Aliens. Doorknobs.
They can fly all the way here
But can't turn a knob

Decent aliens
At least those wacky circles
Aren't in the pot fields

AC said...

"in search of" thonners:
miko may be alien,
but how 'bout gretchen?

HandsomeStan said...

"In Search Of...' Landshark,
Trevor, G, Puffinslayer
And WHERE is 50, yo?

HandsomeStan said...

Sweatpants clearly nabbed
Getting anal probed right now
By some hot vixens

Only anal probes
Could keep JSP away
His secret passion

Only ONE haiku?
Sweatpants on his way to Mars
Sweatpants at ankles

Catfreeek said...

If Aliens come
I hope they are cat people
then I'm in like flynn

Johnny's anal probe
would go seriously wrong
no doubt he would fart

Octopunk said...

The real Rapture comes
As a giant anal probe
For Nessie's big butt

Octopunk said...

We're really quite smart
Conquered outer space and all
To probe some hick's ass

Octopunk said...

Dad, I used our ship
To make big shapes in some fields
Man was I hammered

Octopunk said...

I sent out Gorblox
To anal probe the sasquatch
Love hazing freshmen

Octopunk said...

On misty Loch Ness
A huge head reared from the deep
And ate my homework

Octopunk said...

SHC is great!
They should use it on TV
Viewers vote to burn

Cousin Oliver
Explodes scorching astroturf
And the new Jan's wig

Scrappy Doo hiccups
Then white hot flames engulf him
Shaggy just giggles

Octopunk said...

Nimoy's eyebrow arched
He's In Search Of great treasure
Misplaced bag of weed

Octopunk said...

Pyramids, you say?
The hugest anal probes yet
For God's big fat ass

50PageMcGee said...

i'd say twas school that
made me late: but that's a lie
it was aliens

50PageMcGee said...

it's true: aliens
they did what they always do
cold anal probe

50PageMcGee said...

it wasn't all bad
they *did* give me enhancements
i'm much smarter now

50PageMcGee said...

i can prove it:
"Socioeconomic"
Seven syllables!

50PageMcGee said...

adjustment time though
they cut out one of my eyes
and my stomach hurts

50PageMcGee said...

no, it *really* hurts
my intestines are on fire
(not literally)

50PageMcGee said...

(it's *like* fire, you see
not *actual* flames, mind you
just hurts like crazy)

50PageMcGee said...

and what's this shape here?
pressing out from my belly
it's like--{splurch}--AAAGGHH! AGGHGH!