Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Haiku Hump Day: Robots!

Since the dawn of man, man has tried to use available materials to build artificial versions of himself to perform tasks he'd rather not do. For millenia, these creations lacked basic motor capabilities and are now referred to as "statues." Then, in 1776, Benjamin Franklin proposed the basic wooden elbow joint and thereby created Pinocchio, the world's first robot boy.

Or so the liberals would have you believe.


Robots are everywhere in fact, fiction, past, present and future. Sometimes they turn on us...

"Seriously, guys, do I have something in my teeth?"


"Dude, I totally don't even know where we're all going."


"Daleks. Pff."


"Ahh! Shoot diagonally! Shoot diagonally!"


"Ahh! Shoot diagonally! Shoot diagonally!"


But lots of times they just want to help us out.

"Thank you for holding, your call is important to us. We know you have a choice in pod bay doors, and we value your business. Please continue..."


This is gonna get so awesome any second now.


Our 1957 model will style your hair! (Warning: hair must be held in very specific position and already be styled.)


"Thank you, o glorious Food-o-matic. Maybe next time a plate?"


In the future we will be governed by helpless talking discs, and we will hang our rulers around the necks of robots than can be knocked over by a deer.


Sometimes robots help you face the big questions in life:

"Then I think we should cut into the sternum..."


"Uh... ...uh...*whew*...I've always loved you."


Cyborgs are fair game!

"Watch Buckaroo Banzai or I will shoot."


I'll admit there's some potential overlap with our previous topic "the future," so I encourage you all to seek out the lesser-tackled topic of robot celebrities:





And let's not forget sexy robots!







Bring it!

61 comments:

Catfreeek said...

You know I would kill
for a Rosie the robot
Yo! Clean my house bitch!

Can't say I'd like to
hang out with C3PO
constantly whining

Marvin's depressing
but his timing is spot on
I love British wit


Inspector Gadget
So, is he robot or man?
just comic relief

HandsomeStan said...

Bring the wine, Twiggy
Big hot date with Erin Grey
Watch out for that deer

What's with that weird noise?
I'll give you biddy-biddy
Erin Grey...biddy

HandsomeStan said...

Unexplained dance move
"Malfunctioning robot"? 'Kaaaay...
Why not "broken stove"?

HandsomeStan said...

We are the robots
And we play German synth pop
Mach schnell und Kroft-verk

AC said...

hitchiker's guide reference! all right catfreeek!

AC said...

awesome AWESOM-O
ate toothpaste, pitched bad movies
fart betrayed him- laaaame

AC said...

phantom of the park
KISS robot doppelgangers
how bad could it be?

HandsomeStan said...

Ace Frehley's robot
Eight feet tall and a black guy
Best. Movie. Ever.

JPX said...

He's histrionic
He's a liability
He's C3PO

There's a word for H.A.L.
That describes his behavior
Sociopathy

Modern robots have
Schizoid personality
Don't care what you think

Robocop saw things
From a black and white view point
Yep, OCPD*

*Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder

JPX said...

'member 2-XL?
"Educational robot"
Of course it was lame

Remember Big Trak?
Programable robot car
Mine bumped into walls

Nomad was confused
Thought Kirk was Jackson Roykirk
Not the brightest 'bot

Johnny Sweatpants said...

The day is coming
Brain chips make us all cyborgs
Where do I sign up?

The robot’s regret
Incapable of feeling
Human compassion

The robot’s triumph
Incapable of feeling
Kick to testicles

September 09, 2009

Julie said...

Photo of lunchbox?
"Looked like a robot to me,"
Octo explains. Geek.

Julie said...

Remember Data
Turned into a pleasure-bot
For that one Next Gen?

HandsomeStan said...

Will Smith's "I Robot"
Also known as "Me, Sleeping"
(Stan is on FIRE)

Johnny Sweatpants said...

R.O.B. was a disgrace
His solitary function?
Gyromite Crapfest

AC said...

no sexy robots
maybe it's just a guy thing
no offense to guys

no sexy robots
artificial penises
emotionless eyes

no sexy robots
robots would complain that we
are just using them

no sexy robots
they'd cause a whole new set of
sexual problems

no sexy robots
not for me anyway. well,
maybe robocop

AC said...

congratulating
self really part of haiku?!?!
"FIRE" two syllables?!?!

HandsomeStan said...

When you're hot, you're hot.
Third-person haikus awesome
So says HandsomeStan

HandsomeStan said...

Oooo! Sexy robots!
I'd TOTALLY do Cylons
The new ones, of course

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Vote Yes On Sexbots
Snub AC's propaganda
She's into "feelings"

HandsomeStan said...

Sexbots need one thing:
Great vagina designer
Pretty critical

Catfreeek said...

Most annoying bot
Spaceballs 3PO alter
with Joan Rivers' voice

What was Max Headroom
Lovable stuttering head
Robot or TV?

Built by Dr. Smith
but always ratted him out
Ungrateful robot

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Robot in disguise?
You're not fooling anyone
Giant Flying Truck

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Yearning for the day
Transforming toys are robots
Transform your damn self

Catfreeek said...

Sexy male robots
Jude Law in A.I. for one
Go Gigolo Joe!

Speaking of sexbots
Inspector Gadget would rock
Go go gadget *beep*

Not terminator
he's too serious for sex
all about killing

50PageMcGee said...

the tin man from OZ
he got the heart he wanted
first cylon ever

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Robo-hooker tip:
Make sure box is sterilized
Avoid Robot AIDS

HandsomeStan said...

Robot saves the Earth
Al Gore's "Inconvenient Truth"
(ZING! says HandsomeStan)

HandsomeStan said...

Day the Earth Stood Still
"Klaatu barada nikto"
Gort, chill the fuck out!

HandsomeStan said...

Keanu's remake
Day The Box Office Stood Still
(Stan is here all week)

Catfreeek said...

Pretty pink sirens
Austin's sexy fembot chicks
with deadly nipples

Robots and Wall-E
Humans pretty much extinct
outdated models

Remember D.A.R.Y.L.
Smartest person is a kid
disassemble him

The best robot pals
Joel built Tom Servo & Crow
Programmed sarcasm

Catfreeek said...

If Stan built robots
they would all spout compliments
directed at Stan

"Hello Handsome Stan
Have I told you you're awesome?"
"Yes, say it again"

Catfreeek said...

Alternative pet
wouldn't mind a robot cat
no litter to clean

with synthetic fur
No brushing or shedding please
low maintenance puss

HandsomeStan said...

Low maintenance puss
Also known as MrsX
(Oh no Stan DI'INT)

HandsomeStan said...

HandsomeStan's robots:
Preprogrammed to help Catfreeek
With all her crosswords

Catfreeek said...

Only if crosswords
are all about Handsome Stan
(he left that part out)

Catfreeek said...

Ash went all crazy
Bishop, loyal to the end
Lance Henriksen rules

Acid spewing bots
Vectrocon robot spiders
they're not named Bowie

Sleeper house robots
shuffling about the house
I just want the orb

Octopunk said...

I have a head cold
Been sleeping most of today
You guys crack me up

HandsomeStan said...

Aaaah!!! Magnum P.I.!!
Gene Simmons' robot lobsters!
You must Runaway!!!

Catfreeek said...

Busy helper bots
*Batteries not included
Who cares! They're so cute

The robot exclaims
that Johnny 5 is alive
and annoying too

Like to see this fight
any transformer versus
Mechagodzilla

Catfreeek said...

Poor sickly Octo
Needs a house robot today
Bring soup and tissues

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Forty four robots
Each more boring than the next
"Hall of Presidents"

Puffinslayer said...

Did you know “robot”
Comes from Czech play R.U.R.
Believe it means “serf”

Three Laws Robotic
How could you even program?
Screw you, Asimov!

I was Buck Rogers
As a kid for Halloween
Sister was Twikki

AC said...

cyborgs count you say
i'll make you wish they didn't
"cyborg" with van damme

"cyborg"'s a crapfest
the cyborg has a bit part
so why the title?

it's about a plague
the cyborg has some data
van damme must protect

hero's name, "gibson
rickenbacker"; villain's name,
"fender tremolo"

"cyborg" is so bad
i can't recall a van damme
ass shot. that's troubling.

haikuing "cyborg"
instead of watching tennis
even more troubling

HandsomeStan said...

Federer: cyborg
Sampras: Bot. Nadal: Sexbot
Agassi: Coolbot

HandsomeStan said...

Remember "Robots"?
CGI? Robin Williams?
Yeah, I don't either.

HandsomeStan said...

So I'm Knight Rider
I'd get hammered all the time
Robot gets me home

Mr. AC said...

Humankind's demise:
Super-smart nanobots will
Infiltrate our brains.

Hal, Ash, and the Borg
The moral of the story
Never trust a bot

Robots are evil
But that's to be expected
They're made by humans

More often than not
Robots,  cyborgs, and androids
Can not be trusted

Brynner in Westworld
Yet another example
Robots will kill you

Not quite as smart as
Dr. Theopolis, but
Twiki was still cute

I almost forgot
On the Bionic Woman
Robotic Sasquatch

A Mrs. & Mr. AC joint effort:
Rosie, Jetson's maid
The original sexbot
"Stop this crazy thing!"

HandsomeStan said...

If I was AC
I'D marry Mr. AC
This man is brilliant

8 haikus, 8 gems
You are nuclear weaponry
And nice avatar

Catfreeek said...

Lame robot duds...dudes
Totally forgettable
Evil Bill and Ted

Robocop a wuss
ED 209 real badass
no crime, all are dead

HAL9000's voice
so calm, so soothing, yet mad
with nowhere to hide

HandsomeStan said...

Supercomputer
Can read lips. Who programmed THAT?
Heads rolled in '02

50PageMcGee said...

[bleep] i will kill you
[krrrrch]...my robo-arms won't move
damn prime directives!

50PageMcGee said...

fine-ass number 6
i'd let you kill my whole race
one shot at that ass

50PageMcGee said...

guffaws at my "size"
go, go, gadget penis! {SHROOOOOOP}
who's laughing now, toots?

50PageMcGee said...

R2 mailboxes
federal crime to steal one
sucks. great souvenir.

50PageMcGee said...

perils of droid love
finger in the wrong port. ZAP!
fried "power cable"

50PageMcGee said...

HAL: misunderstood
contradictory orders
did the best he could

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Inane dialogue
"I'd buy that for a dollar!"
It makes zero sense

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Worst droid of Star Wars
R5-D4's legacy:
"Bad motivator"

Johnny Sweatpants said...

The pros of Sexbots:
Sexual assaults decline
Prostitution - gone

Randy ministers
12 year old boybot per priest
Think of the children

Johnny Sweatpants said...

AC - my two cents
"Fire" is two syllables
It rhymes with "higher"