Thursday, September 03, 2009

HHD Results: You Think Anal Probes Are Torture, Try Picking A Winner!

In what must surely be a record, this blog had more material generated about anal probing than anywhere else on the Internet. It was absolutely thrilling to see where everyone’s twisted brilliance took them. And it made picking the winner as hard as doing this:


Catfreeeek certainly put the emphasis on the last 7 letters of her name this week, with gems like this:

What if abductee
went to the buffet that night
they're just full of shit

The Cat had some seriously awesome stuff, notably the “faith like super glue” rebuttal to JPX’s “Religion debunked” ku. Couldn’t agree more. Those retards will find ANY excuse to keep on trucking. And also, Cat managed to use cute little furry bunny rabbits as tampons and toilet paper, which was to be expected.

“Sorry – what was that?”

Cat’s Sisters-In-Ku, AC and DCD, also rocked the house with some gems:

Want me to believe?
Draw me a picture of a
NEW damn alien!

Borrrrrring. Seen it.

AC (and I’ll get to that husband of yours in a minute):

what about Stonehenge
monumental mystery
and kick ass rock song

So true, so true…

50 was brilliant as always with his patented late night West Coast onslaught, and as I went to bed, I thought we weren’t going to hear from him. This one made me burst out laughing, which is a great way to start the day –

and what's this shape here?
pressing out from my belly
it's like--{splurch}--AAAGGHH! AGGHGH!


The word “splurch” makes its first blog appearance!

Now then, Mr. AC…where to begin? He literally almost took the title singlehandedly, with ALL of his stuff being hands-down brilliant and hysterical. Here is his crowning moment, which landed like a slow-motion Clubber Lang punch:

where did my wife go
spontaneous combustion
that's some pile of ash


Mr. AC totally nailed that cinematic je ne sais quoi element. With these 17 syllables, Mr. AC has achieved haiku nirvana – a leap of the reader’s mind into imagery and backstory. Here we have a poem with three distinct phrases, and the reader’s mind just swirls with possibility – Mr. AC has just come home from a hard day’s work, opens the door, and finds his wife’s glasses sitting on a pile of ash on the living room floor. He, of course, immediately knows that it’s spontaneous human combustion. The added layers of meaning in the last line are the gift that just keeps on giving. Every time a man has had to give the answer “No, of COURSE I don’t think you’re fat, baby,” is echoed splendidly in those 5 syllables.


The pile of ash is clearly bigger than he would have expected, given the (somehow not surprising) demise of his wife due to spontaneous combustion. And then the reader is left with the hidden impression that Mr. AC isn’t quite sure how he’s going to clean all that ash up. (Alternate last line: “What a piece of ash.”)

This ku had that ineffable delayed-release action. Hilarious when you first read it, then it makes you go back, reread, and think some more about it.

All of that is true, and more, for the OTHER haiku that ever so narrowly edged that one out:


I sent out Gorblox
To anal probe the sasquatch
Love hazing freshmen

“And don’t let me catch you trying that again, freshman!”

Not only is the name “Gorblox” unendingly hilarious (I keep chuckling every time I sound it out in my head), but here, within a very few syllables, are we introduced to a fully functioning alien university, complete with fraternities and hazing rituals. THEN, within that marvelous world, there’s the notion that only an alien freshman would be dumb enough to let himself get roped into anal probing a sasquatch, which is something that only the seniors seem to know is a very tricky, violent, near-impossible thing to pull off.

“Okay, Gorblox. Go get ‘em, kid!”

There was also some unexplainable music to the way the consonant sounds hammer out in the first two lines. Gorblox-anal-probe-sasquatch has a great staccato rhythm. All around, a brilliant haiku, and bolstered further by the strength of Octo’s others (“Bigfoot takes big dump,” drunken crop circle making, God’s big fat ass, and so on…)

Fucking Gorblox. I can’t stop laughing. All hail this week’s champion (in the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make here) - Octopunk!

In conclusion,

“First name: Mister. Middle name: A. Last name: C.”

I move that Mr. AC become a full time contributor. I also move that he use the above picture as his avatar. Do I have a second?


Catfreeek said...

I'll second that! Yay for Mr. AC! I thought he had it this week, I was dying!

Stan you found the absolute cutest bunny picture I've ever seen, I almost feel guilty for calling them big foot tp & tampons...almost. Thanks for the hm.

Way to go Octo! Always a hilarious witty welcome to find your ku's in the morning.

Great job all around!

Catfreeek said...

Oh and Stan it's freeek with 3 e's not 4. Also, I know JSP is irritated by the 3 e's so here's the story. A very long time ago I tried to use the name Catfreak in yahoo but it was taken as was Catfreek and I refuse to put numbers after my name, they confuse me so I added an extra e. So there you are JSP.

HandsomeStan said...

Yeah, I literally had to stare at Mr. AC's and Octo's side by side for like three hours. It broke my heart not to give it to The Mr, but that goddamned name Gorblox just kept coming back...

And I KNEW I'd get the number of e's wrong.

AC said...

congratulations octo! even though we lost, at least we were right about the phrase "anal probe" being essential in this particular contest.

mr ac is pleased and honored at his runner-up status.

and stan, your pre-and post posts were absolutely hysterical in their own rights- well done sir!!!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Apologies for not participating. I have no excuse. In the unforgettable words of my McDonalds manager many moons ago, “It’s not excuses we’re looking for. It’s results.”

I’d send him an invite but I don’t have his email address. Hit me up AC.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Hilarious Octopunk.

Octopunk said...

In the words of Doug Henning, Thnkyuu! Thnkyuu!

Excellent topic, HandsomeStan, and hilariously presented. My fave moment was "I come in peace. Now toss me one of those beers."

In the subcategory of best five-syllable lines, I have to say Catfreek's "Aliens love ass" one stuck with me all day.

Mr. AC did indeed rock the ku this week. In addition to "pile of ash," the "tree-fitty" one cracked me up (and if you don't get why, click here). I must also admit to boosting the concept behind his "higher life forms' interest in our asses" haiku for one of my own.

And I completely agree with DCD's assessment of "real" aliens. Boooooring!

Thanks again, peeps! Hope I can stir up weird quality like this next week.

HandsomeStan said...

Oh man - thanks for that link, Octo. I don't know how I never saw that episode; I knew Mr AC was referencing SOMETHING. If only I'd that haiku is 10 times as hilarious. Well done, Mr. AC!

And thanks for the props on the intro and outro - I know if I'm chuckling while making them, then others probably are.

Gorblox. Tree Fiddy. I'm going to laugh until next Wednesday...

DCD said...

Way to go brudder! I was pretty happy with mine until I opened up the page this morning and saw the Octo late night rampage! *shaking fist*

Great topic, Stan!

HandsomeStan said...

I really should post my "alternate universe" speech where I've given the title to Mr AC. I wrote them both out. This was AGONIZING. In a very good way.

DCD, thanks for giving me props on the pyramids. BIZARRE shit going on there. Or at least, not right now. 10,000 years ago.

HandsomeStan said...

For the record, I don't know why I'm still laughing at the name "Gorblox."

Octopunk said...

I did actually know a guy who told me he saw Bigfoot once. He was a nice, talkative, kinda CA rednecky construction fuel sales rep I saw regularly on this random job I had once.

One day he's talking hunting, waxing knowledgable about bears and such, and very matter-of-factly says that the only animal he's afraid of is Bigfoot. Goes on to say that he saw Bigfoot from a distance once. He spotted the beast getting up from a crouch in some high grass, after which it walked several yards before disappearing into the woods. Bigfoot's proportions were, if you believe this guy, truly scary.

I of course had no idea what to say.

AC said...

was the guy named gorblox by any chance?

Anonymous said...

piracy affects porn but it's still winner during the crunch

kelly divine