Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Happy Birthday, Dana's Brain!

Yay! My little sister turns (mumble mumble) today! Here's the Horrorthoniest picture of her I could find, posing in her underground Parisian lair with the remains of her many victims.

Happy Birthday, babe! Show no mercy!

Daily Spider-Man - Today's Edition: Spidey suggests Wolverine take an interest in the arts. No, really.

Monday, June 29, 2009

George Pal vs. Roland Emmerich

George Pal was a fair-to-middling producer/director of high-concept sci-fi spectacle movies in the 1950s (like "Destination Moon" and the original "The War of the Worlds"). In other words, he was the Roland Emmerich of the Truman/Eisenhower Era.

Anyway he made a movie called "When Worlds Collide" in 1951 (based on a novel of the same name) that I remember watching on black-and-white TV with my Dad back when I was a little kid. And it was really exciting and scary! The earth's about to be destroyed and the government sends an "ark" into space in order to save the species.

So now, in the tradition of "Gladiator" and a whole bunch of other 1950s retreads, Sony Pictures has made what as far as I can tell is a remake-in-all-but-name called "2012," directed by Roland Emmerich (of course). It's really interesting to watch both trailers, one after the other, just to see how much things have changed in 58 years (both in the world and in Hollywood). Like I said, it looks like practically the same exact movie, except that movies are made, well, a little differently these days.

Watch the trailer to "When Worlds Collide" and then the trailer to "2012" (watch "Trailer 2"). The more things change, the more they remain the same...

[Octopunk: as I mentioned, I moved this up because I had a longer comment to make on it about something besides White House bashing.]

Nobody likes my posts!

My remarks about the awesome-looking new disaster movie 2012 just below are the latest in a series of Jordan posts that nobody seems to care about (except octopunk, who's kind enough to spare me a sardonic remark out of pity in between his diaper-changes and Spider-Man archivia). Was it something I said? Where's the love? (I put serious research into these things!) :)

Box Office: Michael Bay unliklier than ever to realize he sucks

From EW.com: Michael Jackson's death may have overshadowed Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen as the top entertainment story of the weekend, but it didn't hamper its box-office performance. After opening to an astounding $60.6 million on Wednesday, the PG-13 rated robot mash-up has grossed an estimated $201 million over its first five days, second only to The Dark Knight's 5-day opening of $203 million. Its Friday-Sunday total reached $112 million, the best three-day opening this summer. IMAX screens accounted for $14.4 million.

The only other new release of the weekend, the Cameron Diaz-weepie My Sister's Keeper, grossed $12 million for a fifth place in the box office derby. The rest of the top five was dominated by successful holdovers with The Proposal dropping only 45% its second weekend in theaters for a ten-day cume of $69.1 million and a weekend take of $18.5 million. The Hangover keeps on trucking, grossing an additional $17.2 million for a total cume of $183.2 million and third spot in the rankings. Pixar's Up has now outgrossed Cars, earning $13 million for a total take of $250 million.

In limited release, Summit Entertainment scored big with its Iraq war drama The Hurt Locker from director Kathryn Bigelow. Opening on only four screens in New York and Los Angeles, the festival fave grossed $144,000 for a per-theater average of $36,000. The film was sold out in its four theaters on opposite coasts. It will expand into more markets on July 10.

Daybreakers: Head's up for Horrorthon 2010

It's 2019, and the world is run by vampires. The few remaining humans are hooked up Matrix-style and farmed for blood, but it's not going to last. What would you do, hotshot? What would you do?

This looks like I Am Legend but instead of crazy homeless vampire plague victims, it's The Man who's the vampires and the trains still run on time. Except for Willem Dafoe's goatee, the trailer looks pretty good.

Daily Spider-Man - Today's Edition: Spidey says something best expressed by a single exclamation point, Wolverine misses his pets

Friday, June 26, 2009

Daily Spider-Man - Today's Edition: Wolverine is apologetic and a cocky Doc Ock reveals his plans

JPX takes a vacation!

Yep, that's right,gang, I'm off to Disney World for the first time since 1992. I'll catch up with you guys in a week. JSP to follow on Tuesday. Expect many hilarious photos in the near future...

Hardee's Wins

This one came out before the BK ad. I think Hardee's knows exactly what it's doing!

Beat this, Burger King!

From EW, yesterday, Burger King stunned us all with its overtly phallic advertisement for its new Super Seven Incher sandwich. And just when you thought the bar was set too high (or low?) for any other fast food chain to hurl itself over the top, Hardee's strikes back with this:

See the ad here

Yes, you heard/saw right: The trash food chain is now shilling Biscuit Holes. Or, as the people in the spot renamed the new product at the behest of an annoying host: "creamy sweet holes," "hole munchers," and "dingle balls," among many other names. Because, as the ad says, "They sound wrong. But taste so right." That's seriously doubtful. Am I really supposed to be enticed to buy Biscuit Holes simply because they have a disgusting name? Honestly, I found yesterday's Burger King ad revolting in, as I said yesterday, an "I-love-trash kind of way." Maybe it's just that I've now hit my boiling point with such rubbish, but I'm over finding delight in garbage like this.

What do you think? Are Hardee's Biscuit Holes disgusting -- or hilarious? Has advertising hit a new low?

BK Ad: The King Used To Be Respectable

From geekology, In what might be the smartest piece of advertising in recent history (whee, I just posted your whole freaking ad for free!), Burger King has released a print ad for their new Super Sloppy Seven Incher chock full of sexual innuendo. I don't see it, but allegedly it's there.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I thought this was funny.

The difference between commercials targeted at men and commercials for women.

Michael Jackson Dies

From tmz, We've just learned Michael Jackson has died. He was 50.

Michael suffered a cardiac arrest earlier this afternoon at his Holmby Hills home and paramedics were unable to revive him. We're told when paramedics arrived Jackson had no pulse and they never got a pulse back.

A source tells us Jackson was dead when paramedics arrived.

Once at the hospital, the staff tried to resuscitate him but he was completely unresponsive.

We're told one of the staff members at Jackson's home called 911.

LaToya ran in the hospital sobbing after Jackson was pronounced dead.

Michael is survived by three children: Michael Joseph Jackson, Jr., Paris Michael Katherine Jackson and Prince "Blanket" Michael Jackson II.

Story developing...

UPDATE: It is being reported that he is currently in a coma.

UPDATE: He has been declared dead.

Japanese Toilet Training For Kids



Transformers 2 Breaks Wednesday Release Record with $60.6 Million

From slashfilm, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has scored the best opening day ever for a Wednesday release, with an estimated $60.6 million domestically. The previous record-holder was Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which grossed $44.2 million on a Wednesday in July 2007. The $60.6 million includes a confirmed $16 million from midnight shows, the third largest overnight numbers of all time behind only The Dark Knight ($18.5 million) and Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith ($16.9 million).

The film could earn anywhere between $150-$170 million by Monday morning. That number would be enough to beat Spider-Man 2’s $152.4 million 5-day opening, which would put it as the fifth biggest five day opening of all time (under The Dark Knight, Revenge of the Sith, Pirates 2 and Spider-Man 3).

More damn birthdays!

She's THREE!

Haiku Hump Day Results: Nice Guys DO Finish Last

Symbolic of the struggle of the Champion each week. OR, half of the audiences at Chick Flicks with a Y chromosome

Okay, now comes the part where everybody gets secretly relieved as the post goes on and they’re not the last one mentioned. This may be the only competition in the world where Honorable Mention really means what it’s supposed to, and is coveted thusly. The burdens and responsibilities of Champion are great. In much the same way that Girls Just Wanna Have Fun is NOT great. (“Red fire ants eating my eyelids off for two hours instead” was my other colorful “I would rather have…” bit for that movie. Just wanted to throw that in. Because it's true.)

You look like a foot. You've ALWAYS looked like a foot.

The individual revelations and respective favorites of the 'Thon Gang were incredibly surprising. I don’t think I was ever expecting to find out that BOTH Dana’s Brain and JPX loved the Sex movie, let alone that you see Miranda’s pubes. Jaw-dropping on all fronts.

Do I care about this particular carpet matching this particular set of curtains? No I do not.

So anyway, here we go with the Didn’t Quite Get The Girl But You’re Still Such An Awesome Person, I Cherish Our Friendship Too Much To Ruin It With A Championship awards:


Love Actually? Meh.
Half a good movie in need
of an editor.

(As the ONLY slightly negative review of this movie I’ve ever heard, this gets points for having the balls to just Come Out And Say It. It’s almost like criticizing Schindler’s List or Citizen Kane for having not enough hilarity. But I hear ya. I hear ya.)

Miko (and it’s always wonderful to see Miko back)

Hooker with a heart
And a gun, and a razor
Gere gets laid then cut

(Easily one of the Top 3 Pretty Woman ‘kus that give us a hammer blow of what the movie would REALLY be like in real life. Well put.)

Hugh Grant, seems charming
Except, he had Liz Hurley
What was he thinking?!


(He was thinking, metaphorically, “Ehhh…I am sick unto bloody death of every night eating the same sumptuous banquet dinner that every man on earth would kill to eat. I think I’ll just grab some McDonald’s on the way home.”)


i'll cry at movies
like raising arizona
spinal tap, WALL-E

(I’ve subconsciously noticed that each week, AC drops something in here that makes her cooler and cooler. I’ve cried at Glory, Remember the Titans, Miracle, The Rookie, For The Love Of The Game, (the last being absolutely BRILLIANT - I should have included it in the main post. It's strangely an absolutely equal, satisfying balance of Sports Guy Movie and Chick Flick. A razor wire that it walks flawlessly. Highly recommended...) along with a host of others. AC, I know where you’re coming from. Crying happens for all of us, whenever something beautiful happens. Not just when Square Jaw proposes. And JSP, you need to add Chick Flick sensitivity to your repertoire. There's Guy Movies that do exactly the same things as Chick Flicks. As far as Glory goes, for a guy viewer, the emotional shift in that particular soldier dude with the line I referenced is the same thing as the girl realizing that right under her nose the whole time has been her soul mate, and other crap like that. But the end effect, on both sexes, is the same.)

Dana’s Brain

Forget, "...the corner"
How about this? "I carried
a watermelon."


(Because of MrsX I now know this line by heart and the context it fits in, so I’ve impressed scores of women with both my Dirty Dancing dialogue knowledge, and my emotional sensitivity to the nuance of why that line is important. Ditto the “corner” thing. Well said, lady.)


Maybe I would watch
The blaxploitation version
Love, Blactually

(Absolutely hilarious to picture the same movie with Cedric, Steve Harvey, et al.)

Andre the Giant
A big man with a big heart
Know what I'm saying?

I do, sir. I do. More than you know. And yes, Andre, I DO want a peanut.


Fried Green Tomatoes
I like chick-on-chick chick flicks
With cannibalism!

(I LOVED the rat-a-tat-tat of the second line. Like a haiku machine gun. If you had followed this up with a haiku on the movie “Bound,” that would have been something. Chick-on-chick chick flick indeed. Chick REALLY on chick in that one. Trust me, go watch it.)


Hooker "with herpes"
Would reflect reality
And a coke habit

Molested by dad
Beaten by pimps and homeless
Is the hooker life

He’s a weird, weird, man
He’s Matthew McConaughey
He’s "Mr. Chick flick"

(Not only did JPX have the some of the most gritty and hard-hitting of the “Real Hookers of Pretty Woman” haikus, but he also had some very elegant poetic structure to question, without explicitly ever saying so , why a random Texan who has very questionable bathing habits (I’ve heard stories) can become a worldwide heartthrob and still play bongos naked at 3 in the morning. Far be it from me to criticize, but I can only say that if the first and third lines of this haiku had switched places, the top prize would be yours.)

* drumroll, swelling romantic score *

Right now, she’s like, “Oh no. Please don’t let it be me.” Tell you what Catfreeeeek, I’ll make you a deal:

Actually there’s no deal. You won. And here’s why:

Perusing the shelves
Ah, Romantic Comedies
Tony just shivers

(Anytime Tony appears as a guest star in a haiku makes me laugh. Especially in this scenario set in the local Blockbuster. It’s like paragraphs of a novel. I can picture Tony, in that “twin Deadhead” T-shirt, shuddering and lowering his eyes in defeat. Genius.)

Let's face the facts here
Baby was slutty and
he robbed the cradle

(Yes, Cat. Yes. The truth will set us free.)

Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan
Budding love in nursing home
She took her teeth out

(Graphic, disturbing and hilarious. A true Catfreeek haiku in every sense. And a movie that will likely be made someday.)

More believable
Pretty woman cast would be
Richard Gere, Monique


(I don’t know what it is, this just gets me chuckling, then laughing, then doubling over. Accurate, and hilarious just replaying that movie with Mo’nique in every one of those outfits. Mo'nique. Of all people to pick. Perfect. Laughing some horse laugh when he shuts the necklace case. Having trouble shopping. And the hot tub scene. Does Gere even get all the way in the tub?)

Nicely done, Cat.

And a very sensitive, thoughtful, square-jawed “You complete me” to everyone this week. I’m going to go blow my nose now…

The Box

From slashfilm, The first trailer for Richard Kelly’s new film The Box has appeared, and it appropriately tries to push a few buttons. The film stars Cameron Diaz and James Marsden as a couple with an increasingly desperate need for money. A box mysteriously appears on their doorstep, followed by Frank Langella, who presents an offer: push the button on the box and someone unknown to them will die, and they’ll be given a payment of one million dollars. The story is based off Richard Matheson’s short story Button, Button.

See trailer here

Yellow Rose Boy, the music video

From toplessrobot, Okay, not exactly. But she did apologize for shattering his huge, dorky heart into a million pieces when she accidentally passed him and his iconic yellow rose by in her hurry to get somewhere or other. The Fox tells US Magazine...
After seeing the photos of the boy's sad face, Fox [says], "I feel so sad for him. That's so terrible. That kills me."

She insists she didn't realize it was a child handing her the flower.

"There were, like, 80 million people everywhere. It's dark, all I see are flashes," she says. "Everyone's yelling different things ... and I didn't know that was happening."

The star is promising to make things right with the boy.

"If you know his name, I will send him a personal apology," she says. "I'm horrified. I would never do that."

"I'm sorry, sweet boy," she goes on. "I would never do that to you, and I would gladly accept your rose if I see you again."

Dude! She called you "sweet boy"! Go ahead and break into her house, and wait inside her closet with another yellow rose -- and maybe a knife too, just in case. She wants you so bad! That salmon-colored t-shirt will be crumbled on the floor before you know it. Hell, you might as well even get nude while you're in the closet -- it'll save time later!

'Transformers 2' racks up record $16 million in Wednesday midnight shows

From ew, Paramount was looking for bigger with Michael Bay's highly anticipated Transformers sequel and it looks like they've got it. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen debuted to a record $16 million last night, the most ever for a Wednesday midnight run. (Warner Bros.' The Dark Knight scored $18 million for its midnight run last year, but that was on a Friday.)

So how high will Transformers 2's grosses go this weekend? Predictions have ranged anywhere from $125 million to $160 million for the five-day frame. Whatever the number, it will be good news for the box office, which is having trouble maintaining last summer's record draw. Check back here tomorrow for more detailed predictions in the Box Office Preview.

Daily Spider-Man - Today's Edition: Spidey and Wolverine pay for being smug; these are superheroes?

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Daily Spider-Man - Today's Edition: Doc Ock is apparently the only person who has never heard of Wolverine, Spidey continues to be useless

Haiku Hump Day: CHICK FLICKS

We all love them. Or at least, we’ve been dragged to them, moaning, wailing, gnashing our teeth, leaving ten unbroken trails of blood and fingernail remnants in the dirt. But we all know what they are…CHICK FLICKS. (Today’s topic courtesy of and suggested by MrsX. Along with "Candy", I felt this would balance "Armageddon" and "The Devil" nicely. Also, we may have some repeats from "Guilty Pleasures," which ain’t a bad thing…)


Chicks have been around since the dawn of time, reportedly. Leading scientists have speculated that these beings derive amusement, enjoyment, and emotional fulfillment from 2-hour photoplays of events that could totally, realistically, and without a doubt happen to any woman in the world at any time.


The Chick Flick is also a transportation device: Have you ever wanted to travel to a land where the jaws are square, the pectorals are solid, waistlines are trim, and the emotional responses of all male specimens are flawless and ideal? Well, now you can!


Generally speaking, you can usually spot a Chick Flick on the shelf from several paces away. Keep a keen eye for the following words: Wedding, Kissed, Best Friend, Sisterhood, Of, The, Traveling, Pants, and finally, Love. You will NOT find the words “Karate” or “Kid” in the title of a Chick Flick.

If either of these two people are anywhere on the cover, you got yourself a chick flick:


And even though I'm not really a fan of hers, here’s one more surprisingly kick-ass photo of Drew Barrymore I found:


Oh, and here's Kate Hudson's butt:


So there's that.

On a personal note, I would rather have my body slowly sliced up into very small pieces with dirty piano wire while being anally raped with a hot fireplace poker while acid is poured onto my face than spend any time whatsoever watching Helen Hunt do anything (didn't think you'd read such things on a post about "Chick Flicks? Think again!). The same goes, if not MORESO, for Sarah Jessica Parker. How unfortunate that one of MrsX’s favorite movies…is this…


However, from her side of the DVD cabinet, I’ve found a number of gems that I honestly, wholeheartedly enjoy and endorse:


And I’m totally serious on those. So, in the hopes that this haiku topic will unite the blog, against the fear that it may tear us asunder, let’s have your sappiest, most tear-jerking, sensitive, charming, funny haikus. If you’ve ever ended up coming out of a movie looking and sounding like you’ve been cutting onions for a week straight, THAT’S what this week’s haikus are all about.

I'm in touch with my inner Chick Flick.

Are YOU?

24 Minutes of James Cameron’s Avatar Screened

From slashfilm, The first footage from James Cameron’s Avatar was screened to over 1,000 European Industry attendees at CinemaExpo International in Amsterdam, and some of the early buzz has begun to leak out. 24 minutes of footage was screened in all, most of which came from the first third of the film, but THR notes that “there were also glimpses from unfinished portions of later battle scenes.” What did everyone think of the first glimpse of the film that everyone is already touting as “revolutionary”?

“The Insider” files his report on ComingSoon: “jaw-dropping experience.” … “3-D until now has been used as a gimmick.” On the human characters inhabiting their Avatars: “It took my breath away. I thought–just like you guys–that I’ve seen it all with Gollum, or The Hulk, but Cameron has done it again. These creatures seem so real, that within minutes you forget you’re watching an enormous and very blue CGI character. Even the eyes are totally convincing. The characters have real personalities and a soul.” … “How the hell is it possible that I never once felt like I’ve been watching a movie where almost everything comes out of a computer?” … “The effects are in a league of their own. After some disappointing or even pointless 3-D movies, Avatar maybe the first movie where 3-D is properly utilized.”

Read more reactions here

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Daily Spider-Man - Today's Edition: Wolverine takes a smart-mouthed Doc Ock to school

Only In Latvia: Secure A Loan With Your Soul

From geekology, Actually, I heard it works in hell too. But for those of you that like it a little cooler, a Latvian firm is offering loans of 50 to 500 Latvian lats ($100 to $1,000) secured only by your immortal soul.

Riga-based firm, named Kontora, does not require credit history record or proof of employment.

According to the agreement, the only security required of the borrower is their immortal soul, which they are asked to confirm as their previously unmortgaged property.

Damn you, previously unmortgaged property clause! You see, I was in Georgia sawin' on a fiddle and playin' it hot. I won a bike. With a red-hot poker for a seat. Damn you, devil!

Ed McMahon dies at 86