Thursday, June 25, 2009

Haiku Hump Day Results: Nice Guys DO Finish Last

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Symbolic of the struggle of the Champion each week. OR, half of the audiences at Chick Flicks with a Y chromosome

Okay, now comes the part where everybody gets secretly relieved as the post goes on and they’re not the last one mentioned. This may be the only competition in the world where Honorable Mention really means what it’s supposed to, and is coveted thusly. The burdens and responsibilities of Champion are great. In much the same way that Girls Just Wanna Have Fun is NOT great. (“Red fire ants eating my eyelids off for two hours instead” was my other colorful “I would rather have…” bit for that movie. Just wanted to throw that in. Because it's true.)

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You look like a foot. You've ALWAYS looked like a foot.

The individual revelations and respective favorites of the 'Thon Gang were incredibly surprising. I don’t think I was ever expecting to find out that BOTH Dana’s Brain and JPX loved the Sex movie, let alone that you see Miranda’s pubes. Jaw-dropping on all fronts.

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Do I care about this particular carpet matching this particular set of curtains? No I do not.

So anyway, here we go with the Didn’t Quite Get The Girl But You’re Still Such An Awesome Person, I Cherish Our Friendship Too Much To Ruin It With A Championship awards:

Landshark

Love Actually? Meh.
Half a good movie in need
of an editor.

(As the ONLY slightly negative review of this movie I’ve ever heard, this gets points for having the balls to just Come Out And Say It. It’s almost like criticizing Schindler’s List or Citizen Kane for having not enough hilarity. But I hear ya. I hear ya.)

Miko (and it’s always wonderful to see Miko back)

Hooker with a heart
And a gun, and a razor
Gere gets laid then cut

(Easily one of the Top 3 Pretty Woman ‘kus that give us a hammer blow of what the movie would REALLY be like in real life. Well put.)

Hugh Grant, seems charming
Except, he had Liz Hurley
What was he thinking?!

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(He was thinking, metaphorically, “Ehhh…I am sick unto bloody death of every night eating the same sumptuous banquet dinner that every man on earth would kill to eat. I think I’ll just grab some McDonald’s on the way home.”)

AC

i'll cry at movies
like raising arizona
spinal tap, WALL-E

(I’ve subconsciously noticed that each week, AC drops something in here that makes her cooler and cooler. I’ve cried at Glory, Remember the Titans, Miracle, The Rookie, For The Love Of The Game, (the last being absolutely BRILLIANT - I should have included it in the main post. It's strangely an absolutely equal, satisfying balance of Sports Guy Movie and Chick Flick. A razor wire that it walks flawlessly. Highly recommended...) along with a host of others. AC, I know where you’re coming from. Crying happens for all of us, whenever something beautiful happens. Not just when Square Jaw proposes. And JSP, you need to add Chick Flick sensitivity to your repertoire. There's Guy Movies that do exactly the same things as Chick Flicks. As far as Glory goes, for a guy viewer, the emotional shift in that particular soldier dude with the line I referenced is the same thing as the girl realizing that right under her nose the whole time has been her soul mate, and other crap like that. But the end effect, on both sexes, is the same.)

Dana’s Brain

Forget, "...the corner"
How about this? "I carried
a watermelon."

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(Because of MrsX I now know this line by heart and the context it fits in, so I’ve impressed scores of women with both my Dirty Dancing dialogue knowledge, and my emotional sensitivity to the nuance of why that line is important. Ditto the “corner” thing. Well said, lady.)

JSP

Maybe I would watch
The blaxploitation version
Love, Blactually

(Absolutely hilarious to picture the same movie with Cedric, Steve Harvey, et al.)

Andre the Giant
A big man with a big heart
Know what I'm saying?

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I do, sir. I do. More than you know. And yes, Andre, I DO want a peanut.

Octo

Fried Green Tomatoes
I like chick-on-chick chick flicks
With cannibalism!

(I LOVED the rat-a-tat-tat of the second line. Like a haiku machine gun. If you had followed this up with a haiku on the movie “Bound,” that would have been something. Chick-on-chick chick flick indeed. Chick REALLY on chick in that one. Trust me, go watch it.)

JPX

Hooker "with herpes"
Would reflect reality
And a coke habit

Molested by dad
Beaten by pimps and homeless
Is the hooker life

He’s a weird, weird, man
He’s Matthew McConaughey
He’s "Mr. Chick flick"

(Not only did JPX have the some of the most gritty and hard-hitting of the “Real Hookers of Pretty Woman” haikus, but he also had some very elegant poetic structure to question, without explicitly ever saying so , why a random Texan who has very questionable bathing habits (I’ve heard stories) can become a worldwide heartthrob and still play bongos naked at 3 in the morning. Far be it from me to criticize, but I can only say that if the first and third lines of this haiku had switched places, the top prize would be yours.)

* drumroll, swelling romantic score *

Right now, she’s like, “Oh no. Please don’t let it be me.” Tell you what Catfreeeeek, I’ll make you a deal:

Actually there’s no deal. You won. And here’s why:

Perusing the shelves
Ah, Romantic Comedies
Tony just shivers

(Anytime Tony appears as a guest star in a haiku makes me laugh. Especially in this scenario set in the local Blockbuster. It’s like paragraphs of a novel. I can picture Tony, in that “twin Deadhead” T-shirt, shuddering and lowering his eyes in defeat. Genius.)

Let's face the facts here
Baby was slutty and
he robbed the cradle

(Yes, Cat. Yes. The truth will set us free.)

Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan
Budding love in nursing home
She took her teeth out

(Graphic, disturbing and hilarious. A true Catfreeek haiku in every sense. And a movie that will likely be made someday.)

More believable
Pretty woman cast would be
Richard Gere, Monique

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(I don’t know what it is, this just gets me chuckling, then laughing, then doubling over. Accurate, and hilarious just replaying that movie with Mo’nique in every one of those outfits. Mo'nique. Of all people to pick. Perfect. Laughing some horse laugh when he shuts the necklace case. Having trouble shopping. And the hot tub scene. Does Gere even get all the way in the tub?)

Nicely done, Cat.

And a very sensitive, thoughtful, square-jawed “You complete me” to everyone this week. I’m going to go blow my nose now…

11 comments:

HandsomeStan said...

My damn post was long enough and I just forgot to mention my favorites from Fitty:

Sleepless plot: talk show
leads to roman-tzzz zzz zzzzzz
zzzzzzzz zz zzzzzz zzz zzz

Mickey Rourke, young stud
Starred in chick flicks with hot sex
Then face turned to meat

That first one was a very serious front-runner, as it captured how every man feels about the movie. The second is brilliant simply because of the word "meat."

Sorry that wasn't on the big post.

JPX said...

Damn, so close!

jerk

HandsomeStan said...

Between you & JSP, you both threaten to take titles every week. Honestly, you were one re-arranged line away from total victory.

AC said...

congratulations catfreeek, and thanks for the honorable mention handsome stan!

Catfreeek said...

Jeez, that was unexpected. Thanks HS now I guess I better get thinking of a topic for next week. Great job everyone.

Dana's Brain said...

Woo-Hoo, for the Freeekster! Great topic, Stan!

Landshark said...

Yeah, that Monique one was fucking inspired. One of those things that when you read it, you wish you wrote it.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Congrats Freeek. Yes, you'd damn well better deliver a good topic next week. Might I suggest KISS or professional wrestling?

Who the hell is Monique?

miko564 said...

I too did not recognize Monique from the name only...once Stan posted the picture, I actually laughed out loud. Perfect. I'm trying to picture her in the Beverly Hills store trying to mush her foot into a pair of heels.

Catfreeek said...

Gee thanks guys, the added visuals are making me laugh. I just kept thinking of the prostitute that was on Curb Your Enthusiasm and Monique is the closest I could come to that glad you're all enjoying yourselves :)

Octopunk said...

Thanks for the props for "chick-on-chick chick flick." That was definitely my big gun for the week.

True story: went in for a job interview (of sorts) yesterday, and opened my computer to show off pictures of my work, and there was my Safari window open to the haiku comment page, my earlier version of my FGT haiku on deck. I hastily tried to quit, only to have Safari ask me a couple times if I wanted to since I had unsaved stuff. Then the window finally closes and there behind it is my Dictionary program displaying the definition for "lesbian." (I was checking the syllable count in "lesbianism.") Sigh.

Anyhoozles, if my rhythm was cookin' it was inspiration from Mr. Pants for this one:

I reject chick flicks
They rarely contain nun-chuks
Or mass beheadings