Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Haiku Hump Day: CHICK FLICKS

We all love them. Or at least, we’ve been dragged to them, moaning, wailing, gnashing our teeth, leaving ten unbroken trails of blood and fingernail remnants in the dirt. But we all know what they are…CHICK FLICKS. (Today’s topic courtesy of and suggested by MrsX. Along with "Candy", I felt this would balance "Armageddon" and "The Devil" nicely. Also, we may have some repeats from "Guilty Pleasures," which ain’t a bad thing…)

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Chicks have been around since the dawn of time, reportedly. Leading scientists have speculated that these beings derive amusement, enjoyment, and emotional fulfillment from 2-hour photoplays of events that could totally, realistically, and without a doubt happen to any woman in the world at any time.

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The Chick Flick is also a transportation device: Have you ever wanted to travel to a land where the jaws are square, the pectorals are solid, waistlines are trim, and the emotional responses of all male specimens are flawless and ideal? Well, now you can!

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Generally speaking, you can usually spot a Chick Flick on the shelf from several paces away. Keep a keen eye for the following words: Wedding, Kissed, Best Friend, Sisterhood, Of, The, Traveling, Pants, and finally, Love. You will NOT find the words “Karate” or “Kid” in the title of a Chick Flick.

If either of these two people are anywhere on the cover, you got yourself a chick flick:

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And even though I'm not really a fan of hers, here’s one more surprisingly kick-ass photo of Drew Barrymore I found:

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Oh, and here's Kate Hudson's butt:

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So there's that.

On a personal note, I would rather have my body slowly sliced up into very small pieces with dirty piano wire while being anally raped with a hot fireplace poker while acid is poured onto my face than spend any time whatsoever watching Helen Hunt do anything (didn't think you'd read such things on a post about "Chick Flicks? Think again!). The same goes, if not MORESO, for Sarah Jessica Parker. How unfortunate that one of MrsX’s favorite movies…is this…

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However, from her side of the DVD cabinet, I’ve found a number of gems that I honestly, wholeheartedly enjoy and endorse:

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And I’m totally serious on those. So, in the hopes that this haiku topic will unite the blog, against the fear that it may tear us asunder, let’s have your sappiest, most tear-jerking, sensitive, charming, funny haikus. If you’ve ever ended up coming out of a movie looking and sounding like you’ve been cutting onions for a week straight, THAT’S what this week’s haikus are all about.

I'm in touch with my inner Chick Flick.

Are YOU?

51 comments:

HandsomeStan said...

Half the time they’re hot
And they get naked sometimes
Chick flicks not ALL bad

I cried at “Glory”
Line - “Give ‘em hell, 54th!!!”
Gets me every time

Own DVD shelf
Of movies that make me cry
"Miracle" is there

Damn. Love Actually.
Friggin movie is superb.
Just can’t tell my friends.

Catfreeek said...

If you don't well up
at "Nobody put Baby..."
you're just inhuman

Favorite chick flick
Has got to be Amelie
It's just so charming

Sex and the City
men gagged at Miranda's pubes
while chicks were giggling

Catfreeek said...

Perusing the shelves
Ah, Romantic Comedies
Tony just shivers

You ever notice
In the really good chick flicks
Someone always dies

Watched Horror last night
with Lifetime addicted friend
she cried at the end

Catfreeek said...

Most heinous offense
spawned from the bowels of Hell
the chick flick soundtrack

JPX said...

Pretty Woman tale
Hooker with a "heart of gold"
I'm not buying it

Hooker "with herpes"
Would reflect reality
And a coke habit

Molested by dad
Beaten by pimps and homeless
Is the hooker life

JPX said...

Amelie is great
But a chick flick it is not
Chick flicks aren't artsy!

miko564 said...

Hugh Grant, seems charming
Except, he had Liz Hurley
What was he thinking?!

Love Actually
Agree with you Stan, it's great
Airport end, gets me

Steel Magnolias
I like it. There, I said it
Tell, and I'll kill you

miko564 said...

Hooker with a heart
And a gun, and a razor
Gere gets laid then cut

Most Romantic flick
The Last of the Mohicans
Final Scenes, Perfect

Father avenges son
Women dies to be with love
Bad guy cut to pieces

miko564 said...

Sandra Bullock, eh
Poor Man's Julia Roberts
Without the huge mouth

Catfreeek said...

Married the hooker
What's in it for the rich guy?
Gere's gay cover up

Catfreeek said...

It's a man's excuse
"She dragged me to it, I swear!"
I say they love it.

Catfreeek said...

A tell tale sign of
End to actor's real career
massive chick flick roles

HandsomeStan said...

Men can play the lead
Even with a stupid name:
Dermot Mulroney

Catfreeek said...

The flicks You've Got Mail
and Sleepless in Seattle
same cast, same plot,crap

HandsomeStan said...

Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan
Sit and read the whole phone book
A new blockbuster

Catfreeek said...

Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan
Budding love in nursing home
She took her teeth out

Catfreeek said...

More believable
Pretty woman cast would be
Richard Gere, Monique

But to what outcome?
Hooker beats crap out of guy
steals wallet & car

JPX said...

Saw Dirty Dancing
It took me twenty-two years
Wasn’t worth the wait

Johnny Sweatpants said...

This topic is gay
I'm out of my element
Wait, do pornos count?

Landshark said...

Chick flix can be good
and artsy too, JPX.
Amelie is both.

Most Austen remakes
I can handle too. Knightley
was brilliant in Pride.

Love Actually? Meh.
Half a good movie in need
of an editor.

Notting Hill though,
DCD's favorite alltime!
It's worthy, no doubt.

Merchant and Ivory
made some pretty good ones too.
Mostly from Forster.

The Indian babe
from ER was damn cute in
Bend in Like Beckham.

Landshark said...

Seriously, what
the fuck happened to Matthew
McConaughey? Tool!

Catfreeek said...

What did Katie say
to get Tom? "You had me at
Scientology"

Let's face the facts here
Baby was slutty and
he robbed the cradle

If Neil had been hot
would Baby have chosen him?
Methinks she'd say yes

Catfreeek said...

Gyrating those hips
God Damn you Patrick Swayze
Baby had no chance

Baby fixed her nose
thinking her career would soar
Now she's a has been

She should have known this
just look at Streisand's honker
Made her a fortune

50PageMcGee said...

Staying Together
Light humor about brothers
Chick flick starring dudes

50PageMcGee said...

Mickey Rourke, young stud
Starred in chick flicks with hot sex
Then face turned to meat

50PageMcGee said...

Sleepless plot: talk show
leads to roman-tzzz zzz zzzzzz
zzzzzzzz zz zzzzzz zzz zzz

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I reject chick flicks
They rarely contain nun-chuks
Or mass beheadings

Seth Rogan, Knocked Up
An idiot with "feelings"
Will he learn some stuff?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Maybe I would watch
The blaxploitation version
Love, Blactually

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I forgive you, Hugh
How could I stay mad at you?
That disarming smile

JPX said...

He’s a weird, weird, man
He’s Matthew McConaughey
He’s "Mr. Chick flick"

JPX said...

Seriously though
How did this peculiar man
Become a heart throb?

AC said...

this ain't my topic.
i'm a chick who hates chick flicks.
genetic defect?

don't mind emotions,
just contrived plots and "outfits"
i'm an old tomboy.

i'll cry at movies
like raising arizona
spinal tap, WALL-E

do like "4 weddings"
odd, since i don't like hugh OR
andie OR chick flicks.

Landshark said...

Also a bummer,
thought Hudson was hot and great
in Almost Famous.

Now she's like movie
kryptonite. Who the fuck is
feeding her screenplays?

Landshark said...

Purist Brits threw a
hissy at ending cheese in
newest P&P.

AC said...

thelma and louise
mash-up with dirty dancing:
"baby" drives off cliff.

Dana's Brain said...

Landshark remembered!
Notting Hill tops my all time
"perfect movie" list.

It's not just chick flicks
on my "perfect movie" list.
Also on top: Jaws.

Recently saw one,
"August Rush". Sentimental
crap. Yup, I loved it.

The truth of it is,
I'd rather watch chick flicks.
Dramas depress me.

JPX said...

Finally saw Footloose
It's against the law to dance
I want to move there!

But, Seriously
Why do people love this film?
Ridiculous plot

Dana's Brain said...

Super secret shame.
(Deep breath) I really loved Sex
and the City flick.

I wanted to hate!
Scoffed my way through the theater.
Damn you, SJP!

Dana's Brain said...

Oh, Pretty Woman.
How can you not like, "Cinda-
Fucking-Rella?"

Dana's Brain said...

I think, to this day,
I could recite every line
of Dirty Dancing.

Forget, "...the corner"
How about this? "I carried
a watermelon."

JPX said...

Secret confession
I too enjoyed "Sex" movie
I didn't want to

Dana's Brain said...

And then there's "Beaches".
Bette Midler sings, Barbara
Hershey gets cancer.

Staples of chick flicks:
Romance, misunderstandings,
Lost love, found love, death.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Andre the Giant
A big man with a big heart
Know what I'm saying?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I should not compose
Haikus when I've been drinking
I'm wasting your time

Glory, WTF?
That's a war movie, n'est ce pas?
Chick flick? Afraid not.

Dana's Brain said...

"Something's Gotta Give"
Chick flick for old folks. Diane
and Jack get it on!

Dana's Brain said...

"Princess Bride". Chick flick?
One of the best fucking flicks
EVER, in my book.

Catfreeek said...

Always the same plot
Boy meets girl, something screws up
break up, then make up

Billy Crystal's prime
was When Harry met Sally
then he disappeared

I liked him better
as miserable old Jew
in The Princess Bride

Dana's Brain said...

Unexpected chick
flick. 300 - great pecs and
his wife was bad-ass.

Octopunk said...

Fried Green Tomatoes
I like chick-on-chick chick flicks
With cannibalism!

Octopunk said...

Good Ang Lee chick flick:
Sense and Sensibility
More Brokeback, less Hulk

Locked out of my pad
Had to wait for my roomate
Went to the movies

Loved it! Oh my God
That last scene -- work it Emma!
Alone, cried eyes out

Octopunk said...

Dirty Dancing? No
Somehow I never saw it
Baby? Corner? Wha?

Producer's wife
Was head of my company
Rumored outtake tape

Jennifer Grey, see
Not so much of a gymnast
Patrick clearly pissed