Wednesday, May 12, 2010

HHD: Battle of the Sexes!!!

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As it is written somewhere, men are from a planet rich in iron oxide and women are from a planet that is full of sulfuric acid and clouds. One is a candy bar and a god of war, and the other is a razor and a goddess of love. Surely there is nothing significant in all of those connections. And stop calling me Surely.

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*grunt*

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*blah blah blah talky talky talky yakety yakety yak*

Horrorthon, while already a pillar of the online community for its unyielding barrage of detailed descriptions of zombies and gory violence, is expanding its reach into couples counseling. Yes, ‘tis true, this week’s haiku topic is the opposite sex, and the seeming “battle” between the sexes that has raged since the very dawn of humanity…

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“Yeah, well, the crocodile over there told me to eat a banana off that other tree so that I could fly and have laser-beam vision, but did I run right over and do it? No, I did NOT."

Significant others are fair game, and may end up being the only game.

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Yes, deer.

Countless millions of stand-up comics since remote prehistory have blazed trails through this forest, and there is no shame in treading those well-worn paths. There is a great deal of shame, however, in not completely dishing on what current and former husbands, wives, girlfriends & boyfriends have done to annoy you, amuse you, or aggravate you.

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Why do I have a strange feeling that we’ll be hearing a lot about Tony this week?

Johnny (I No Longer Have Time To Wear) Sweatpants surely has his own set of problems and observations based on his reports from recent months, so I look forward to his unique perspective.

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Live photo feed from Johnny’s apartment

The toilet seat has been left up for countless eons; the toilet paper roll has gone on the wrong way for millennia. The sexes have managed to keep the human race going while at the same time totally annoying each other. It’s a miracle we’ve survived this long. Around the first campfire, caveman was belching and cavewoman was rolling her eyes. Then cavewoman went out and tried to parallel-park the family mammoth. And failed.

So, from clich├ęs to negligees, let’s bring this battle a little closer to conclusion. (“Negligees” was the only quasi-appropriate rhyming word I could come up with. Shut up.)

On a completely random, separate note, this week I will finally be teaching MrsX how to drive a stick so she can share the driving on road trips.

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43 comments:

HandsomeStan said...

To set the tone, we welcome MrsX, who will kick things off for us:

MrsX:

Please make the damn bed
I say every fucking morn
Because it looks nice

Stan:

The bed? What’s the point?
Rearrange useless pillows
Only we see it

MrsX:

How can you not see
The inch of dust on the floor
Open your damn eyes

Stan:

She cleans like no one
If I see it, I clean it
She cleans infrared

MrsX:

It’s been eight years
Expectations in toilet
Need baby elsewhere???

Stan:

(runs to car, peels out)

JPX said...

Why are you yelling?
I didn't do anything
Oh yeah, P.M.S.

AC said...

nice work handsomestan
knew you'd pick a great topic
not bad for a guy

HandsomeStan said...

Stop turning on lights
And I'm turning off the air
Hemorrhage money

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Dangerous topic
Stan - you sound like Tim Allen
Ms. X - stop whining

JPX said...

"It's too hot in here"
"Keep the heat on, I'm freezing!"
Girls are always cold

I wake up shivering
"Why am I so cold?" I ask
She took all the sheets

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Black folks drive like this
But the white folks drive like this
Sorry, wrong topic

Octopunk said...

"Chicks can't hold their smoke
That's what it is" -- right hon. rev.
Tony Michael Hall

JPX said...

If you fight with them
You won't get access to boobs
Just say, "You're right, dear"

AC said...

it's just bad timing
i'm not mad at jon today
no material

most recent conflict
he wanted to watch a third
buffy episode

for sake of contest
maybe he'll irk me tonight
xbox marathon

AC said...

men win the contest
of superhero weapons
gold lasso, really?

when it comes to sex
women are more selective
so who wins that one?

AC said...

my college boyfriend
used the floor to store laundry
both clean and dirty

my college boyfriend
smoked the joint some friends gave me
never forgave him

my college boyfriend
would roam campus and steal food
he thought this funny

HandsomeStan said...

Floor ideal basket
Many shades of clean/dirty
I know my system

"Does my butt look big?"
Conversational minefield
That's some pile of ash

Catfreeek said...

Up at 2am
What noise has awakened me?
The room smells of farts

Up at 3am
What noise has awakened me?
King Kong is snoring

Up at 4am
Now what has awakened me?
Toenail scratched my leg

Up at 5am
Still awake because I'm pissed!
Think I'll try the couch

Catfreeek said...

I have a question guys?
Why do you get itchy balls?
There's spray for that, right?

So it's Mother's Day
No flowers, no card, nothing!
Then, what's for dinner?

My answer to this
Not sure, what are you making?
Sandwich for himself

Next month Father's Day
He'll get his breakfast in bed
Chicks are much nicer

50PageMcGee said...

You pick -- put seat down
OR WIPE PEE OFF THE DAMN SEAT
end of discussion

Catfreeek said...

How come only I'm
able to load dish washer
Infuriating

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Women are lovely
Men smell like sewer water
Lesbians know this

Johnny Sweatpants said...

What’s with the flowers?
They don’t last more than a week
It seems like a waste

Women be shopping
Who needs 50 pairs of shoes?
Feel insecure much?

Some girls like Star Wars
They’re not fooling anyone
They don’t understand

JPX said...

Want a big challenge?
Try to wake Whirlygirl up
40 min ordeal

Whirly requires
3 ten minute snooze alarms
Then she might get up

I learned the hard way
Yelling at her doesn't work
Snooze alarm it is

JPX said...

Sure there is no god
But if there was I'd tell him
Thanks for making boobs

I feel bad for girls
P.M.S. then period
That's like 10 bad days

Just imagine it
Two weeks each month are ruined
Evolution joke?

HandsomeStan said...

Two bad weeks each month
PLUS sitting down when you pee
Boobs the only perk

Catfreeek said...

Dangling teabags
Vulnerable point for men
Who's the weaker sex?

Catfreeek said...

As guys and girls go
the difference is summed up
with two words: skid marks

HandsomeStan said...

Blood, babies & pee
Vagina vending machine
What, no candy bars?

HandsomeStan said...

MrsX responds to JSP:

Shut your pie-hole, Pants
I'll bitch if I damn well want
You try living here

Catfreeek said...

There's no worse odor
a raging case of jock itch
nasty ball fungus

Wait, I might be wrong
Almost forgot about feet
Here's a tip, wear socks

Worn shoes without socks
A festive fungal playground
serving reeky cheese

HandsomeStan said...

She snores, drools in bed
Passes out, talks in her sleep
No wait - that's my thing

More from MrsX:

And another thing
He peed in the goddamned sink
Sorry, that's just gross



I hate when she grabs the keyboard like that. To rebut:

It was one damn time
Bathroom locked & occupied
Same basic plumbing

Counterpoint:

(sigh) OK, fine then
It was just once in the sink
The dishes! Dishes!

Ahem:

The sink was empty
Plus I Comet-scrubbed after
You would do the same

Catfreeek said...

Peeing in the sink
All I can say Stan is eeeew
Tony'd go outside

DCD said...

Such a good topic.
But I'm tired and cranky.
"PMS?" Screw you.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Stop. Judge. Mrs. X.
Sink peeing is just plain wrong
So many reasons

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Stan has to go bad
Urine splatters on toothbrush
Unacceptable

DCD said...

Take care of the kids,
clean the house, laundry, lunches...
Then you want sex? Pffft.

HandsomeStan said...

Where's Julie, dammit?
Surely living with Octo
Generates GREAT stuff

To JSP:

It was KITCHEN sink
Urine didn't touch nothin'
No harm, and no foul

Tree falls in the woods
Penis pees on empty sink
No harm, no foul

HandsomeStan said...

Crap. "No harm, AND no foul."

Octopunk said...

If I peed in sink
Wouldn't tell anybody
(Yes I peed in sink)

Octopunk said...

College friend house sits
Was my first trip to Brooklyn
I peed in the sink

Two sinks in kitchen
I peed in the empty one
And then a surprise

Between baseboard, floor
A tiny river of pee
The sink had no pipes

Tell you the worst part
I had to finish peeing
Watching this happen

Cleaning tornado!
Friend emerged from the shower
All was as it was

Moral? I'll tell you:
Sometimes a dick's convenient
Sometimes it isn't

Julie said...

Is it a guy thing
To go OCD on drawers?
Octo's not a dude.

Julie said...

Do most of you men
Listen to homo music?
Octo loves techno.

Julie said...

My husband is not
Typical. He's more like a
Hairy lesbian.

Julie said...

Octo yells at me
like two days later. I mean,
come on, he's a chick.

Julie said...

No cars, no sports, nope.
Two hundred thousand Legos.
Very organized.

Julie said...

Shit, here comes Octo!
He has a bat! Help me! Help!
Sorry, just kidding.