Wednesday, May 26, 2010

HHD: Things you suck at

Confession time; I can’t throw a football. It’s true and it’s just one of the many things I suck at. Over the years people have tried to show me how to properly execute a perfect spiral, however any and all attempts at throwing a football result in sheer embarrassment (picture the ball flipping end over end and you get the picture). One of my greatest fears is walking past people playing football and having the ball land somewhere near me; “Hey buddy, a little help?” No words strike mortal fear in my heart more than being asked to throw a football to someone. For some reason this seems to happen to me a lot. I’ve learned to “walk” the football over and hand it to the individual who referred to me as “buddy” [I hate that, by the way]. To add insult to injury my 10 year old son can throw a perfect spiral and on more than one occasion has asked me to play with him. I do it out of paternal duty but I die a little inside. I picture Ben in a shrink’s office some day saying, “My low self-esteem comes from throwing a football with my father…”

Like I said, football is only one of a multitude of suckage in my life. Despite taking statistics 5 times across 4 universities I still can’t do them. I can interpret an ANOVA table and execute a Chi Square with ease, but ask me to do anything beyond that and you might as well ask me to analyze the dead seas scrolls. This has been a huge impediment in my career because all research requires a sound understanding of statistical principals. If it wasn’t for AC and Mr. AC I’d probably still be in graduate school.

Public speaking? I’d rather be caned in Singapore. The few times I’ve ever had to public speak (mostly in graduate school), it ended abysmally. When I gave an impromptu speech at JSP’s wedding many years ago I was panicking on the inside. Let us never speak of it again. This too has hindered my career. I’m a full-time clinician these days and that’s the way I like it. One on one conversation is my comfort zone.

Oh there is so much more. I can’t drive a stick shift, I can’t wind surf or understand the principals of sailing, I have a terrible memory and cannot recall the details of anything I read or conversations I have (thank god for good chart notes), I never remember names, I forget what people do for a living (JSP, Jordan, 50P? No idea), I don’t how to play chess or poker and to this day I don’t understand the rules/scoring of a football game (“first down”, what the fuck does that even mean?), I suck at all board games and can’t play video games to save my life.

Wow. I’m depressed.

Okay Horrorthonners, I’ve bared my soul to you once again and I expect you do to the same. My favorite HHD topics are those that force people to reveal personal insecurities. Please don’t disappoint me!

54 comments:

AC said...

admitting i'm wrong
incredibly difficult
fortunately rare

AC said...

batting-handicapped
throwing, catching, kicking fine;
can't hit ball with stick

AC said...

i just don't sleep well
of all the things i suck at
this for me is worst

AC said...

i've no fashion sense
don't do "outfits" or "shopping"
but you all knew that

AC said...

it's hard to say no
bites me in the ass daily
will i ever learn

AC said...

this is great topic
no dearth of material
now i'm depressed too

Octopunk said...

I can not drink beer
Universal party fare
Weirdo with water

Problem bartending
"What do you recommend, dude?"
Drink water, weirdo

Octopunk said...

I'm truly phobic
About life's rich paperwork
Ridiculous dread

I leave it undone
And drift into disaster
This is a problem

Octopunk said...

Nemesis baseball
Can't catch flyballs in movies?
I so was that kid

Octopunk said...

Playing basketball
Can't dribble without looking
An essential skill

At basketball camp
A whole damn week of wishing
They don't pass to me

Octopunk said...

Not good at bowling
Our group had a four-year-old
Beat her by six points

The way your heart sinks
Ball drifts right after release
The eyes at your back

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Horrid singing voice
When singing “Happy Birthday”
I just mouth the words

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I also can’t bowl
Ball always drifts to gutter
As do all my thoughts

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I can’t hula hoop
I know it’s not important
It still bothers me

JPX said...

I'm not artistic
I wish I knew how to draw
Rather than scribble

I wish I could write
I have published my research
But I have no prose

Perhaps I should paint?
Show it at modern museum
It would fit right in

Play an instrument?
I took piano lessons
Did nothing with it

Jealous of 'Thonners
All you jerks are artistic
I'm just autistic

JPX said...

Whirlygirl is odd
She can't do imitations
Funniest damn thing

HandsomeStan said...

Three hour torture
Little ball in tiny cup?
Golf: for masochists

Driving range? Okay.
Mini-golf? No problem there.
Combined? Sheer torture.

HandsomeStan said...

8th grade little league
Not one hit. The whole season.
Stick to wiffle ball

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Can’t keep plants alive
Can’t stand up on a skateboard
Can’t throw a frisbee

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Heads up Horrorthon
Don’t play mini-golf with Stan
He’s been known to cheat

Johnny Sweatpants said...

3 feet off the ground
Utter humiliation
Rope climb in gym class

JPX said...

Clothing eludes me
I have no sense of style
Don't know how to dress

Same haircut for years
I don't know how I should look
Causes me angst

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Would you care to dance?
Actually I’m fine right here
*Back against the wall*

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Can’t strum an F chord
My rock star dreams are destroyed
Damn Polish fingers

Catfreeek said...

I suck at cleaning
just can't get motivated
I dust once a year

Big pile junk mail
I throw it on the table
knowing that it's junk

My bedroom's messy
I do vacuum often though
a must with 5 cats

Catfreeek said...

(Should be big pile of junk mail)

Octopunk said...

Ha ha ha Catfreeek
You suck at counting to five
Ha ha ha ha

ha

JPX said...

How come I can ski
Yet I can't stop on ice skates?
One more mystery

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I’m a sore loser
Believe it or not it’s true
I prefer winning

HandsomeStan said...

In JSP's world
Everybody sucks at chess
It's good to be king

HandsomeStan said...

A button pops off
Needle/thread? No fuckin way
Cannot sew for shit

Catfreeek said...

I learn jobs quickly
but I get bored and move on
can't choose a career

Octo you're so right
really do suck at counting
still use my fingers

On the other hand
I sure as hell can count five
20 paws, 5 cats

Catfreeek said...

Can't say no either
this is why I have 5 cats
5 litter shitters

JPX said...

If I step in shit
I will throw the shoes away
I know it's wasteful

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Can't cook a sandwich
Bad at taking directions
Wait, that's JPX

Octopunk said...

Often lose cell phone
Never pick up anyway
Oh wait, that's Johnny

JPX said...

Often lose my stuff
Never respond to email
Oh wait, that's Johnny

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Smart ass know-it-all
Skid marks in my underwear
Oops, that's Octopunk

Octopunk said...

Bleah bluh bluh buh-bleeaahhhh
Buh bleah bleah BLEAH buh-buh-bleah
Me Johnny Sweatpants

JPX said...

Multiple choice tests
I often change my answer
To the wrong response

Dread standardized tests
GRE's were a nightmare
Took them a few times

"All of the above"
Fall for it every time
There's no learning curve

"None of the above"
Don't even get me started
There's no learning curve

Catfreeek said...

Can't hold my liquor
I used to but now I'm lame
Water weirdo too

Can't do funerals
I never know what to say
sorry seems so weak

Tried acting in school
forgot lines so I improved
dumbfounding cast mates

JPX said...

I can't use chopsticks
I end up looking stupid
I prefer a fork

AC said...

i can't drink at all
get silly and aggressive
on even a sip

AC said...

late night haikuing
just don't have the brain power
shoot my wad early

Catfreeek said...

I play puzzle games
I suck at video games
where I have to fight

I get all panicked
start pushing random buttons
til I wind up dead

Even better still
fight starts, hand off controller
beat this dude for me

Played Mortal Kombat
Got Baraka to blade slash
by pure accident

DCD said...

I married a chef
for a good freaking reason:
can't cook worth a damn.

I've no feel for it.
Must follow a recipe,
and yet it still sucks.

DCD said...

My son asked tonight,
"What's your favorite sport, Mom?"
"Uh...to play or watch?"

"To play," he replied.
"Yeah...I don't really play sports."
Perfect haiku choice!

I suck at all sports.
Did gymnastics in my youth,
growth spurt ended that.

Field hockey in gym.
Organized torture for me.
Dumbest sport ever.

"Let's play some softball!"
Yeah...I'm just gonna sit here.
No, I'm good really.

DCD said...

Suck at card games too.
Always just play what I have;
no strategery!

DCD said...

Don't get me started
on charades! Makes me break out
in hideous hives!

Who thinks this is fun?
First word - three syllables...Huh?
Here's some words - More Wine!

DCD said...

Here's a future suck:
"Mom, can you help me with my Algebra homework?"

DCD said...

Sudoku. Say what?
Puzzle game that involves math?
Wait. Am I in hell?

50PageMcGee said...

a voice in my head
says i suck at everything
"try harder, sissy"

50PageMcGee said...

tried snowboarding once
fell on head repeatedly
i can ski, at least

wanted to skateboard
no balance, tons of hand scrapes
in-line's fine for me

50PageMcGee said...

i'm good with kids, but
i'm no help when they're infants
can't change a diaper

(could probably learn
but the smell of baby shit?
insurmountable)