Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Haiku Hump Day Salutes: Gas (but not the kind you put in your car)

"Love is the fart of every heart;
It pains a man when 'tis kept close,
and others doth offend when 'tis let loose."

- Sir John Suckling,
"Loving and Beloved" (1640)

I almost postponed HHD again this week as JPX is on vacation, Whirlygirl is back east, Handsome Stan indicated that he doesn't have the time, and I'm officially out of ideas. Since I couldn't conceive of an acceptable topic, I opted for an unacceptable topic.

fart (färt)
intransitive verb
to pass, or emit, gas from the intestines through the anus

The butt expels gas and it makes a squeaky sound. It smells. Many people find it humorous. But why? That my friends, is what I ask you to ponder today, Haiku Hump Day, July 21, 2010. What is the most memorable/disgraceful/hilarious/unacceptable fart that you've come across or initiated in your lifetime?

"A turd can fossilize into a coprolite permanent enough to reveal its creator's dietary habits to distant future generations, but a fart, no matter how uproarious, slips immediately into history, never to be smelled or heard from again. No mud or amber has ever trapped it. I've heard rumors that there are corked vials containing gas from such personages as Abraham Lincoln and Marilyn Monroe, but no such relic whose origin could be authenticated has ever turned up."

- Jim Dawson
"Who Cut the Cheese?" (1999)

He or she who amuses me most shall obtain the right to state "Yeah, that's right, I won Haiku Hump Day: The Farting Edition".

(Also - check out Catfreeek's awesome post below - don't let it pass like the wind.)


Catfreeek said...

(Thanks for mentioning my long overdue post)

Worked with a fat chick
her name was Angelina
Classic fart story

Slow at the theater
and the mall was all closed up
queue Angelina

Bob my boss, her, me
she demonstrates break dancing
spins into a fart

The blast echos loud
reverb through the vacant mall
laughter engulfs us

Distress in her eyes
begging Bob not to tell Nick
(He was her big crush)

Bob makes the promise
then he tells Nick the next day
a man with no shame

Can't say I blame him
Way too funny not to share
I laughed myself sick

Oh Angelina
your fart timeless memory
still brings on a smile

Catfreeek said...

Johnny fart master
Resounding through megaphone
hands weapon to Stan

Pure farting brilliance
conceived in fleeting moment
a Showcase legend

Catfreeek said...

Tony's toxic farts
so offensive to the nose
linger far too long

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Tom sat on the floor
I leapt over his body
Passed gas in mid-air

A crowded movie
Gas, a megaphone and me
Three hundred jaws dropped

Homeless man smelled bad
I made him smell slightly worse
As I walked past him

Soft Cell: Tainted Love
“Sometimes I feel I have to…”
*Toot, toot* “Run away!”

Octopunk said...

My own inside joke
When I fart in Zack's presence
I say "that was you."

Since he was tiny
I've been playing this blame game
Now it's a reflex

Surprise yesterday
Let one go, he looked over
And said "thawwuz you."

Catfreeek said...

Why are farts funny?
Because they come from your ass
silly question Pants

HandsomeStan said...

3 F's of humor
One is great. All 3 - brilliant.
Farts. Falling. Fat Guys.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

If it doesn't smell
And it doesn't make a sound
Does it still exist?

HandsomeStan said...

Megaphone despair
Chuckled through Jimmy Fund speech
Cancer - what a joke

HandsomeStan said...

Wish i was at home
Farts & nintendo all day
Couch doesn't miss me

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I bought fart powder
Spencer Gifts, how I love you
Slipped some in Jay’s coke

Waited patiently
The results pleased me greatly
Mad diarrhea

What’s in the powder?
I don’t know and I don’t care
Comedy goldmine

Catfreeek said...

Jay was not amused
mere mention of fart powder
brings disgruntled rant

How do I know this?
I purchased some fart powder
Jay saw it and freaked

50PageMcGee said...

lake havasu food
the last day, ripped one so bad
gave *me* a headache

50PageMcGee said...

when i'm with a girl
and gas comes (and it does come)
have to leave the room

not shy in public
in a crowd, don't even hide
who would know it's me?

public farting tip
circle the room right after
better diffusion

divvy up offense
everyone gets a small whiff
it's called "crop dusting"

Catfreeek said...

Don't fart in my car!
I'm out late picking YOU up
your stink is thanks

Don't fart in my car!
wait til I hit the red light
then you let one rip

Don't fart in my car!
It's pouring rain, thundering
my window's open

Don't fart in my car!
100 degrees,traffic
you dirty bastard!

Catfreeek said...

There's no greater hell
Tony's late night Dutch oven
sent me to the couch

I can't sneak a fart
once the smell starts rearing up
I burst out laughing

Old folks have no shame
rooty tooting as they walk
the smell of freedom

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Dear old Uncle Walt
Snapped fingers to mask gas pass
He did not fool us

Johnny Sweatpants said...

He who denied it
Obviously supplied it
That’s just common sense

Elevator bomb
Exceptionally funny
If you play it right

Catfreeek said...

I have a close friend
been married for 20 years
won't fart near hubby

Not Tony and I
be married ten years next month
virtual fart fest

Painful to hold farts
once the courting is over
time to let 'em rip

I can't imagine
20 years of holding farts
the pressure built up

AC said...

too busy farting
to haiku about farting
extra gassy day

i blame this topic
rarely do i fart at work
today, nothing but

guess the hospital
is paying me to pass gas
that's kind of awesome

Catfreeek said...

JSP's dream job
getting paid to fart all day
jealous of AC?

What amazes me?
people who fart on command
now that is a gift

Catfreeek said...

I make falafels
Tony loves them but later
they make fart-awfuls

Heed my stern warning
Bacon is good going in
and toxic fumes out

Catfreeek said...

Thunder rolling in
loud booms the smell of ozone
big farts from above

DCD said...

All I know is this:
There is nothing funnier
to a boy - then farts.

My son AND hubby
will roll on the floor laughing
if someone lets loose.

Even my daughter
cracks up at farts. "I passed gas!!"
she says, giggling.

HandsomeStan said...

God, Adam: "Pull my finger."
The art of the fart

DCD said...

Me? Age old custom.
Drop one and then blame the dog.
No back talk from him.

Desroc always says,
"Did you see that duck go by?"
Kids will always look.

DCD said...

Farting in public.
Social suicide. But why?
We all do it, right?

Worse if you're female.
Heaven forbid you should FART!
Damn social mores.

Let 'em loose, I say!
Let's all light 'em up and have
a fart bonfire!

DCD said...

You know what's funny?
The word fart. Fart. Fart. Fart. Fart.
Fart. Fart. Fart. Fart. Fart.

Julie said...

As my mother says,
"Better an empty house than
A rotten tenant.

Catfreeek said...

Fart, break wind, pass gas
cut the cheese, let one rip, toot,
blast, Anal salute

Silent but deadly,
machine gun, shart, power blast
rumbler, cheek flapper

A fart by any
other name would smell as sweet
and be as funny

Catfreeek said...

Tony had pork lunch
steak and onions for dinner
please just kill me now

HandsomeStan said...

MrsX weighs in
9 years, took a lot of time
Farting together


Girls can't handle farts
Comfort zone is elusive
Requires some work

She now farts on cue
Girlie talk punctuated
Ass exclamation

HandsomeStan said...

She figured it out
End a sentence with "thhhpt-pfffffft"
Endless hilarity

HandsomeStan said...

Relationship seal
Your farts amuse each other
You both die happy

Octopunk said...

and soon (cough cough)

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Since JPX wasn't around today I'll submit the following on his behalf.

Please don't fart at work
Release them when you get home
The smell bothers me

Octopunk said...

I vote for Cat's "smell of freedom" one.

Octopunk said...

Hey, I found this online, a fart haiku from the 1700's:

O! Gabriel's horne!
Sweet Rapture calls this one home!
No, was passing winde

Catfreeek said...

That's freakin' awesome Octo!