Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Haiku Hump Day: America - Fuck Yeah!!!

(I'm rushing this post into publication without much editing. I apologize in advance for the extended Stan long-windedness. And sorry about the unnecessary third person reference, too. I am BURIED by work at the moment, hence the Wednesday-ish late night Tuesday posting. West Coast, jump right in...)

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In retrospect, leading up to the July 4th holiday, I wanted to have this as the topic, but the ship had already sailed on Fights, which had exponential, historical results.

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This was the only pic I could find from the match in progress. Right after this, Hogan powered out of the Camel Clutch, kicked Iron Sheik in the face, and dropped the Big Leg on him. 1-2-3, new champion. And America was saved.

In any event, I thought that we could reflect upon why this country is so seriously awesome, and what makes our way of life so great. And also, how our way of life allows for some of the most seriously retarded things to become important.

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Ah, Photoshop. So believable…

The Founding Fathers, a bunch of wealthy land-owning lawyers, came up with the crazy idea that we could have a country based on the concepts of individual liberty, religious freedom, personal accountability, and the strength of capital as the driving force behind our economic system.

• shaking blog awake *

I know this is reading like a high school AP History exam, but hear me out: America has been described as the world’s “last, best hope" (by all sorts of people). Ayn Rand, to paraphrase, described America as the first country in the history of humanity NOT founded or created by seizure of wealth, or territorial conquest. This is important shit.

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I’m a big fan, and I’m the furthest thing from a right-wing wacko. Important ideas going on here. Please read the book.


If you think about it, and if you believe what we’ve been told in terms of history, humanity had finally exhausted its search for new lands in the mid-First Millenium, content with sailing around Europe, Africa, and the totally wacky Far East.

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“LOVE that hat and sword you’ve got there – have you seen our guns?”

That’s where America comes into play. A heretofore (six-eight, who-do-we-appreciate) undiscovered land, ripe for colonization and statehood and conquest, with nary a soul to stand in our way.

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“Oh, pardon us, we won’t be here long.”

Undiscovered country. At least by white people. And discover the hell out of it we did. And kill a bunch of brown people along the way.

In this day and age, it’s sort of crazy to think about things like North Carolina and Tennessee being in a big fight over the lost state of Frankiln (happened), or Texas being largely part of Mexico, before a bunch of dudes did some kick-ass shit at the Alamo.

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In fact, the whole Civil War seems almost unthinkable; at least, it seems unthinkable until you realize that it's STILL being played out in our political forums and culture today, and if I didn't have the time to sift through the countless Youtube clips of Southern Senators spouting fountains of absolute rhetorical dogshit, I wouldn't have had to settle for this picture:

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We are a nation of division, of dialogue, and of voices. What we have lost in our media-barraged age is the concept that yes, everyone has a voice, and we have freedom of speech, but the more retarded elements of that speech should be discounted in favor of the intellectual higher ground. That’s what the Founding Fathers were going for. A new, mind-based country. We’ve lost that, and become complacent, and as Thomas Jefferson once said, “The tree of liberty must be refreshed with the blood of patriots.” So therefore, we have to kill a whole lot of people.


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It always sends chills down my spine to do the Freedom Walk in Boston, and see the places where the Shit Really Went Down. This is the real deal, where Paul Revere actually did his thing. Where we fought for the liberty of our own minds.

I grow increasingly nervous about the “Christian-izing” of the country. The demonizing of atheism is the first step down a slippery slope into a state of the exact opposite of what this country started out as. Watch this to be devastatingly horrified. The thought of an atheist President or Supreme Court Justice, in our current day and age, is actually laughable in its impossibility. People should be free to believe in whatever they find holy, be it a box of Special K cereal, or a vision that some guy had on drugs which made it okay to move to Utah and marry a bunch of women simultaneously, or a totally believable story about an extra-galactical overlord Xenu and how we might best serve him.

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The point is that this country was founded on the idea that you can believe what you want to believe, but you just have to keep it out of the business of the state, and out of the capitalist system in general. THIS is what makes the country good. I would encourage all of you to read Atlas Shrugged – it doesn’t inform my every opinion of how things are or how things should be, but it’s got some seriously relevant ideas about how this country should REALLY be working, and not from a ridiculous right-wing conservative crazy place either.


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In short, God doesn’t Bless America. Americans Bless America. So, in the spirit of the tireless patriots who fought for our rights, like Hulk Hogan, Sgt. Slaughter, Corporal Kirchner, and Hacksaw Jim Duggan (who was basically a fucking retard who carried a 2x4 to the ring as America’s pot-bellied representative – totally shameful), I encourage all of you to give me your best 17-syllable poetic rendition of what America means to you, in all its glory, warts and all. Feel free to get extremely political and religious and righteous.

Otherwise, the terrorists win.

(Suggested haiku directions and some motivational video here: Abortion. Flag-burning. Hot Dogs. Baseball. Strippers. Strippers With Apple Pie On Their Boobs. And Hot Dogs. Republicans. Christianity. The American Indian. The Boston Tea Party. The 2010 Tea Party. The Ridiculous, Gaping, GLARING Difference Between The Two. That Kentucky Fried Chicken Thing With No Bun. And so forth.)

U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!! Hor-ror-THON!!! Hor-ror-THON!!!

69 comments:

HandsomeStan said...

(I think I beat my own record for Most Ponderous Intro Ever. Anyway...)


Ah, those fucking French
Please look down your nose at me
We saved your asses

Anti-Choice. Pro-Death.
That’s what each side is saying
But babies are WRONG

Idiocracy
Best movie title ever
We live in it now

Rogue countries angry
Want to destroy us? Two words:
Nuclear fucking weapons

(I’m aware of the sixth syllable)

HandsomeStan said...

Colonial tech
Lanterns aloft to warn army
No "Three if by air"

JPX said...

I can't stand parades
Am I un-American?
I'll avoid Bristol

I don't like baseball
But I do like apple pie
So I'm not all bad

Yes I hate football
But I'll watch the commercials
During Super Bowl

Julie said...

Not the biggest fan
I want Jeff to get a job
In New Zealand. Yeah.

Julie said...

Ayn Rand fell in love
With the cinema version
Of the USA

She was an extra
In movies while she worked on
Her first books at night.

Fresh out of Russia
Where her bourgeouis folks suffered
The revolution.

She was brilliant, yes,
But she had an axe to grind,
And started a cult.

Julie said...

Wait, don't want to kill
Hump day again. So let's talk
FOOD. The US rocks.

In LA, you buy
Pastrami tacos. Next to
The Jewish deli.

Vietanamese pho
Made mostly by Koreans.
It's all mixed up here.

Zack can speak Spanish.
Ask him what does vaca say?
Vaca says, "Moo. Moo."

Jew Puerto Rican
Cousin married a Chinese girl, and
His kids are beauties.

That's my favorite
How everything gets all smushed up.
I really dig that.

Octopunk said...

It might surprise you
Lego prices in US
Cheapest in the world

Octopunk said...

France, other countries
Fear cultural takeover
But still watch our flicks

Octopunk said...

Whose movies kick ass?
We explode shit so awesome
In real life, as well

Octopunk said...

What of Canada?
More guns, but fewer gun deaths
More literacy

Plentiful bacon
Relaxed attitude, good weed
What's not to like?

Wall-to-wall boring!
And expensive magazines
Screw you, Canada

JPX said...

We don't have jungles
Which means no deadly insects
Yay, America!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Enter the buffoon
He carries a flag and board
I want him to die

Johnny Sweatpants said...

God bless our freedom
This is 'Murka goddammit
I touch my cousins

AC said...

we all work too hard
put "career" before "living"
a tragic mistake

american cars
ginormous gas consumers
can't say i'm a fan

american cheese
tasteless bland processed slices
symbolic, or not?

taking julie's cue
to avoid killing the day
hell yeah, a food 'ku

american chefs
like desroc, thomas keller
none better on earth

Catfreeek said...

Ambulance chasers
have made us land of the fee
and home of the blame

Seems most flag flyers
are drunken ranting rednecks
bad advertising

Don't feel like working?
Claim depression and collect
on Uncle Sam's tab

Schools are filled up with
Teens bitching of aches and pains
Nation of pussies

Parenting near gone
Momming's not cool, be a pal
kids learn disrespect

Still, freedom does ring
we retain the right to choose
even bad choices

Catfreeek said...

American tunes
The birth of Motown & Rock
Not too shabby, huh

Our musical shame
is American Idol
brought in by a Brit

Catfreeek said...

Ah yes, the food's good
perhaps it is way too good
we're breeding fatties

I'm with JPX
Baseball sucks but apple pie
does make up for it

Octopunk said...

Star Wars, Star Trek, crack
Benjamin fucking Franklin
American, yo

Octopunk said...

Oops, just endorsed crack
Well, is crack against the law?
Oops, totally is

JPX said...

Amazon comes through
I just received Jordan's book
Yay, America!

JPX said...

If you break the law
No caning or stoning here
I like this country!

AC said...

for all higher ed
no one beats the usa
and east coast beats west

AC said...

i love hollywood
churning out the horror films
without them, sparse blog

AC said...

we excel at greed
so materialistic
who even comes close?

Catfreeek said...

JPX scooped me
I was going to haiku
about Jordan's book

Got mine today too
Amazon rules for shopping
it's my Christmas mall

Catfreeek said...

For most folks with kids
The American dream's dead
we can't afford shit

No vacation time
have to pay for a band trip
and buy groceries

Much as we love them
our financial status sucks
kids are a slow bleed

Let's just face the facts
middle class is nothing more
than the working poor

Landshark said...

"Ayn Rand, to paraphrase, described America as the first country in the history of humanity NOT founded or created by seizure of wealth, or territorial conquest."



Put down the crack pipe.
Toss Ayn Rand in the latrine.
Read some Howard Zinn.

Seriously, shit.
No conquest? No wealth seizure?
Thoreau just pooped self.

California.
That's Mexico. We stole it.
At fucking gunpoint.

Wait, Stan, you're one of
my fav 'thonners. Hope I don't
sound like a big douche.

Landshark said...

Landshark stops twitching from the Ayn Rand reference...offers some regular haiku about America kicking ass.

Yellowstone last year.
Wasn't expecting much. Ran
out of "Fuck yeah!" words.

Funny. I get more
patriotic when living
abroad. That's not weird.

Ann asked about our
materialism. South
Koreans waaay worse.

New slogan I hear?
U.S.A! South Korea
is way more greedy!

Landshark said...

All there is to say.
Chicago style pizza.
Prosecution rests.

Julie said...

Discrimination
Is illegal. That's quite cool.
A law I can dig.

Sure, it happens, but
You can sue their bigot butts.
That is just so rad.

Julie said...

I have faith in this:
Gays will get to marry here.
Equality wins.

It takes a while, but
The Constitution's bitchin'.
Human rights prevail.

Julie said...

The USA ain't
So bad, now Obama's in.
Sure, he's not perfect.

But I couldn't stand
To even watch Bush speak--that
Freaky little man.

Julie said...

Hey...Thonners spent 4th
Together. Eating sushi.
Fuckin' USA!

Julie said...

Landshark is correct.
Colonialists the first
Illegals. Thieves all.

Catfreeek said...

Couldn't agree more
Obama beats Bush big time
Bush made me dry heave

Julie said...

There's no denying
We conquested the shit out
Of this continent.

And killed a buncha
Folks who lived here first. Not me.
I didn't do it.

HandsomeStan said...

Love me some Landshark
KNEW intro needed some work
Not only that part

I'll explain later
Word choice could have been better
Of COURSE we conquered

(I've wrestled with dozens of ways to explain this is extended haiku form, but I have to throw in the towel. I knew, almost upon writing that bit, that it could be absolutely destroyed by both logic and historical, um, history. Landshark really called me on it, and Julie earlier, but I stand by what I said only because what she was saying was that the IDEA of the country was conceived, rather than the historical precedent of the strongest army simply conquering and seizing.

Granted, we ended up being stronger than the Native Americans and seizing the shit out of shit, and therein lies the contradiction, but it was the IDEALS that we were basing this raping and plundering of a relatively more primitive society on; which is what makes this country simultaneously great and also downright horrible at the same time.

I'm no Rand Kool-Aid disciple, but I was only trying to point out that she tried to address the fact that this was the first country to use the words "Freedom" and "Liberty" in its constitution as rights for every citizen.

I've read Zinn, and I believe every word, tempered with the "official" history we were taught. I think the true Truth skews towards Zinn, but then, you can revise history all the way back through...history.

I'm so sorry to clog the day with excessive prose. It's a weighty topic, and my head hurts from an 18-hour day.

I guess my question for Landshark is, if I'm one of your "favorite Thonners," where do I rank?

All my love.)

It's a good thing I didn't forget that last closed-parentheses.

Julie said...

Whoot! Healthcare reform.
Soon it will make us bankrupt.
Just like the E.U.

But not before my
Mom gets insurance, so yay!
Thanks America.

Julie said...

Whatever Stan. If
You love Ayn so much, then why
Don't you marry her?

Oh, because she's dead.
Nyah nyah. Your Objectivist
Girlfriend is dead, dude.

Julie said...

Hee Hee. Catfreek said
Beats Bush. God bless the US.
Let's all now beat bush.

Delete that one, Jules.
You're going to regret it.
Not funny, just dumb.

HandsomeStan said...

Love me some Landshark
KNEW intro needed some work
Not only that part

I'll explain later
Word choice could have been better
Of COURSE we conquered

HandsomeStan said...

Blogger being weird
Comments post as I compose
Then, error message

Anyway, she's dead
How's Objectivism Now?
Yes - irrelevant

HandsomeStan said...

Couldn't agree more
"Conquested the shit" indeed
But I'm glad we did

I don't get tacos
Or Sloppy Joes or strippers
If we didn't win

Teepees crap houses
Yep, pass that pipe all you want
Conquest their asses

HandsomeStan said...

One American
Is the best feather-wearer
And that's Mr. T

Catfreeek said...

I thank the U.S.
for the People of Walmart
who entertain me

I thank the U.S.
for drunken redneck antics
and Darwin Awards

I thank the U.S.
for the cheesy Troma films
I am free to watch

and one more thing, thanks
for affording me the right
to bash Bush freely

Octopunk said...

I love NYC
and gorgeous San Francisco
LA? We're just friends

Octopunk said...

Out the plane window
Endless colored rectangles
Oh look! A circle

Octopunk said...

Perfect New England
Sagging eaves of faded wood
In cool leafy shade

50PageMcGee said...

50 States Project
Honor US States in song
Great Idea Sufjan!

Michigan came first
Illinois after - both great!
then...um...well...[fizzle]

that's the thing, aint it?
we dream huge in USA
then...we...dream some more!

50PageMcGee said...

American Dream!
it's right there for the taking!
(if you work like mad)

('course it also helps
if you're caucasian, and male
and from the suburbs)

the (amended) dream
it's right there for the taking!
if you're rich and white

too bad for the rest
"luck" not in Constitution
(you need *God* for that)

that'd be sweet though, huh?
an amendment for good luck
guaranteed by law

can you imagine?
we'd all be fucking prom queens
(yup, pun intended)

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Ayn Rand died alone
Not a friend left in the world
Do her ideas stand?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

What I cherish most
Individuality
It can flourish here

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Illinois, you suck
Yeah that's right, you heard me, jerk
You bore me to tears

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Iowa caucus?
So you think you're important?
I beg to differ

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Hey Mississippi!
What you done for me lately?
Go fuck your Bible

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Then there's Wisconsin
Fast food, football, idiots
Waste of my haiku

Don't get me started
On FUCKING Minnesota
Suck on a prairie

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Hawaii... you're cool
Though you're not really a state
But you can pretend

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Plain, lame, shit stain Maine
Might as well be Canada
Have a potato

Delaware *snicker*
At least you're the smallest state
Oh wait, no you're not

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Good ol' sweet Kansas
Heartland of America
Evolution? Huh?

Missouri loves you
You are always welcome here
Long as you're not gay

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I used to love you
Then Sarah Palin happened
Now I wish you pain

Louisiana
You have so many problems
I'll leave you alone

Don't mess with Texas
Because they done like their guns
And don't think so much

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Amazing beaches
Old people go there to die
Shaped like a penis

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Progressive ideas
Beauty, wine, Yosemite
Fresh food, beaches, smiles

Johnny Sweatpants said...

[Now it's a challenge
How many states can I dis
Before passing out?]

Indy 500
That's something to be proud of?
You deserve yourself

New Jersey, no thanks
Armpit of America
Stanky death hole puke

Oklahoma sucks
But you already knew that
Let's move on, shall we?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

New York, I love you
But I'm not in love with you
Can we still be friends?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I miss Rhode Island
Friends, loved ones, everything
Except for Warwick

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Utah frightens me
Alabama rapes my soul
South Carolina

(I can't even dignify South Carolina with an insult.)

Time to go to bed
One last thought before slumber
I hate Nebraska

Julie said...

OMG, JSP wins

Landshark said...

Holy crap, Sweatpants. Showing Sufjan how it's done.

Octopunk said...

Meh. I only counted 24 states. That's not even half.