Thursday, October 18, 2007

Ghoulies 3

(1990) *1/2

I apologize in advance for the following long-winded retelling of how I obtained a copy of this movie but hey, no one’s forcing you to read it!

After being unexpectedly pleased with Ghoulies 2, I was distraught to learn that Ghoulies 3 wasn’t available on Netflix. When I searched online, I learned everything I needed to know about this third installment based on a lone picture of the cover posted above. Caps and gowns! HILARIOUS!! All I could concentrate on the entire week was why??? What on earth are they doing in those outfits? The Ghoulies never so much as uttered a word in the past 2 installments. How is it possible that these scrappy little misfits earned diplomas? It was all consuming. No matter. I decided I simply had to buy the damn thing. It would be worth it for the box alone.

So I dropped by Suncoast Video on a serious mission. “Can I help you?” asked the portly gentleman behind the counter. “No thanks I’m just browsing today.” Let’s face it, purchasing Ghoulies 3 is on par with purchasing Vaseline and a Barely Legal magazine. The plan was to make it look whimsical. I would also buy a respectable movie to give the illusion that I don’t belong in a straight jacket. I had been meaning to buy my own copy of Suspiria for a while now anyway.

So I gets to the horror section only to be greeted by another, thinner employee. “Looking for something in particular?” he asked. “Nah, I’m just looking around” I lied again. Dammit! It wasn’t there. After checking the Sci-fi, Comedy and Budget sections I was nothing short of despondent. Having come this far, my only option was to ask the fat guy.

“Ghoulies 3” he repeated. “Is that the one where they’re at the carnival?” Sweet. I found a kindred spirit. He chuckled when I explained to him that it’s the one where they go to college. After pecking away on his computer for 10 minutes, he gave me the worst news this side of You Have Cancer. “It’s not available on DVD” he stated soberly.

“Well that just makes me want it more.”

“Me too” he replied, and I believed him.

Two days later I received my $10.00 (including shipping) VHS copy in the mail. At first I was shocked at how quickly it got to my doorstep but after viewing it, I knew why. As though it were Tutankhamun's curse, the seller obviously couldn’t wait to rid himself of the damn thing.

The plot, you ask? They jump right in. “C’mon, you know it’s Prank Week! You know how much Beta Eta Theta needs the crown back!” Girls are getting soaked with sprinklers, trees are liberally toilet-papered, a donkey is hoisted up a flagpole, and grouchy Professor Ragnar gets hit with a water balloon. Five minutes in, I declared it my 7th favorite movie of all time.

Our protagonist is Skip, a James Spader wannabee. His relationship is on the rocks as his girlfriend “can’t see a future with a guy whose sole goal in life is to be the crown prince of pranks.” Then those wacky Ghoulies show up with some pranks of their own which the fraternities blame on each other. If you make it to the end, you will have viewed a librarian strangled by her own tongue, a topless pillow fight, panty raids, stink bombs, and coffee poured down a guy’s pants. So why do I feel so empty inside?

The biggest and most egregious offense of Part 3 is the fact that the Ghoulies now speak, and very stupidly I might add. They say things like “Sounds like something screwy goin’ on boss, whaddya say, whaddya say?” and “I’m sportin’ a chubby” and “Let’s blow this poop stand” (instead of “pop” stand, get it?) Before whacking pledge Wesley in the testicles and flushing him down a toilet Green Fetus quips “2 balls, one strike”. Did I mention that they also drink beer, belch and fart? You probably get the point by now. This movie is just way too low-brow, even by my standards.

Surely there has to be something valuable we can extract from all of this, right? Yes there is. Ghoulies 3 reveals just how much the PG-13 rating has changed since 1990. They completely assault you with breasts, pillow talk, sexual innuendos and more breasts. Nowadays a nipple is all but unheard of in a PG-13 flick. On the flip side, the violence has sky rocketed. I was shocked that the recent blood splattered Die Hard movie got the PG-13 tag. Why do you suppose this is? I’ve already taken up too much precious blog space on this review so I'll leave my thoughts in the comments.

Anyway, if any of you want a copy, I'll gladly send you mine. But remember - the burden is all yours...


Johnny Sweatpants said...

The PG-13 thing - I think has more than a little to do with the religious nutters in power. Premarital sex is bad, bad, bad! But it’s probably a good idea to desensitize the masses with violence and torture. Get everyone used to the idea of a long, drawn out War Against Terror! What the hell does that even mean?

DCD said...

I just can't believe that the term "Green Fetus" could be used by all of us in conversation.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Omigod, I just finished Planet Terror! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!

AC said...

jsp, is that your whole review of planet terror?

JPX said...

"Let’s face it, purchasing Ghoulies 3 is on par with purchasing Vaseline and a Barely Legal magazine."

Best line of the week and this is your funniest review ever, JSP!

Whirlygirl said...

Hysterical review! I agree, it is worth buying the film for the cover.

I'mnotMarcbutmyboyfriendis said...

kick-ass review, dude. the kindred spirit bit made me laugh.

nice boobs.

the gentlemen who helped you in the store, i mean. nice guys, but boobs, i gather.


Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

The best line is "nice pairies" when the Ghoulies were creeping up on Veronica in the shower before they killed her with a plunger. She was a playboy playmate in 1985.