Since Horrorthon is all about suffering, I felt a moral imperative to look the devil in the eye and tackle the baffling virus that has afflicted the youth of my country. What I discovered was something so utterly terrifying, so terribly vile it sends shivers up my spine to even type this. But I’ll give it a shot.
We first meet the unholy one known as Troy (Zac Efron) at a talent show. “Who’s gonna rock the house with us?” asks the emcee. My worst nightmare comes true. Zac reluctantly hits the stage next to Gabriella and promptly begins to sing like a complete ass. I’ve seen many pictures of this mammal before (thanks to JPX) but this is the first time I’ve had the displeasure of hearing his voice and watching him move. You can add both to the list of reasons I’ve lost my faith in mankind. His voice sounds like a combination of Alvin and Simon of Chipmunks fame. And get this – instead of hurling chairs, rocks, anything squarely at his head, the crowd actually gets into it. He and the shy yet smart Gabriella quickly loosen up and start enjoying themselves. They form a bond. It begins…
Next we join Zac at basketball practice. In the blink of an eye, the innocent lay-up drills turn into a song and dance number that could only have originated in the furthest depths of Hell. “Why am I feeling so wrong?” Zac inquires. “My head’s in the game but my heart’s in the song. She makes this feel so right.” He’s talking at this point, in the center of a spotlight. “I’m gonna shed this. Yikes.” I’m not quite sure what these lyrics mean but I stop myself from stabbing my eyeball with a butter knife only because that’s precisely what Zac wants me to do. He sings “I gotta, gotta get my head in the game” and his teammates respond “Gotta, getcha , getcha, getcha, getcha head inna game!” over and over and over and over (and over). It occurs to me at this point that his head is not in the game, it’s actually in the wretched song but my wit falls on deaf ears as Lauren had long since run out of the house screaming.
The plot is now painfully obvious. Zac must decide which is more important – the B-ball championship or the god-awful school musical. “Sometimes I don’t wanna be the basketball guy” he laments like a true imbecile. “I just want to be the guy.” Poor, poor Zac. The fact that his father is the basketball coach serves to embiggen the tension. I grabbed the butter knife again during the following conversation:
“Dad, detention was my fault, not hers!”
“You haven’t missed practice in years. That girl shows up –“
“That girl is named Gabriella. She’s very nice.”
“Well having you miss practice doesn’t make her very nice. Not in my book. Or your team’s!”
“Dad, she’s not a problem. She’s just a girl!”
“But you’re not just a guy Troy. You’re a team leader. What you do affects not only the team but the entire school! Championship games are very important!”
My heart is racing. Am I sweating or freezing? Am I having a panic attack? Is this what dying feels like? Calm down Johnny Sweatpants, calm down. You’re 33 years old now and this movie really is none of your business. No, no goddammit, it is my business. The fans that made the soundtrack the best selling album of 2006 will be of voting age soon enough and by that time it may be too late for civilization as we know it.
The theme appears to be that it doesn’t matter if you’re a hippie, jock or a drama kid. Just be your stupid lame-ass self. Of course, they do subtly give the edge to the jocks over the nerds and geeks. It does end with the big basketball game, not Gabriela’s academic decathlon. Some posit that HSM is good clean, wholesome fun. Its popularity is a victory for family values. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT HUMAN AND SHOULD NOT BE TREATED AS SUCH! I cannot stress this enough folks.
SPOILER ALERT!
The Wildcats win the ball game 68-67. The crowd chants “Troy, Troy, Troy!” and I successfully suppress vomit. Everyone (including the villains) belt out another song entitled “We’re All in This Together” and the fate of the free world hangs in balance.
I thank my lucky stars that HSM2 isn’t yet available on DVD.
11 comments:
ARRGH!
Johhny, what the hell is the matter with you? Have you lost your mind?
Snap out of it, man! You don't have to keep doing this to yourself
Also, this doesn't count! Judges? Take it off his Horrorthon score!
Hey, JPX put me up to this and since he's my closest competitor, I submit that we let it pass as a one time exception.
I'm already really annoyed at the pictures.
JSP, your courageous (and utterly insane) act has steeled my own resolve to review a particularly foul abomination of a horror movie. Perhaps tomorrow night? If you can face Zac Efron, I can face (dramatic pause) "Killer Klowns fronm Outer Space".
Hilarious review.
Can't we take the pictures down? For the love of God, please!
Sure, I'll gladly take the pictures down but only after Boom Boom suffers through them once!
I'll admit the striped official in my head did a "horror movie?" dance, but fuck it! Johnny, you have braved the worst. I'm all for the one time exception, since that means nobody else will risk their eyeballs or their butter knives. Gak!
This is hilarious. I'mnotMarc's street cred for taking on the entire Leprechaun series last year has been matched.
I agree that this should count given that I can't imagine anything scarier or more painful and because it's really a movie about Satan (Zac). Nice review JSP, it confirmed everything I needed to know about HSM.
Shiver.
Damn, AC, I had Killer Klowns on deck!
IT'S NOT A HORROR MOVIE! You guys are nuts. Horror movies are fun to watch. This is something different: an actual horrifying experience.
"This is something different: an actual horrifying experience"
Ha! I'd have to agree with you there =)
OMG! I can't believe I missed all this today!
You get my vote JSP - this counts. I'm sure the Disney Channel is playing HSM2 at least two times daily, I'm sure you could check it out to complete the series.
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