Monday, October 22, 2007

Giant Gila Monster


(1959) **

“In the West there are vast and virtually unexplored regions, bleak and desolate, where no human ever goes, and no life is ever seen."


Some “teens” make out before meeting their doom.

Following this opening prologue we come upon two “teens” (e.g., people in their 30s) making out in one of these desolate areas “where no human ever goes”. Huh? I thought no human ever goes there? A moment into this tranquil scene a giant Gila monster swats the car sending the teens down a ravine to their deaths.

Cut to more teens, dancing at their local hangout. When word gets out that Pat and Liz are missing (teens in opening scene), an investigation leads to the discovery of a destroyed car. It’s not the car they were looking for, but the discovery is ominous given that it’s covered in blood and the driver is nowhere to be found. Later, after a drunken dick jockey falls into a ditch just in time to see the giant lizard crossing the street the town realizes what it's up against and the narrator states,

"It is in the lonely areas of impenetrable forests and dark shadows that the Gila monster still lives. How large the dreaded Gila monster grows, no man can say!"

It is only after the Gila monster attacks a train a la King Kong, Godzilla, etc., that the authorities realize that they’re dealing with a 70-foot poisonous lizard. When the authorities prove useless to stop this crazy threat it’s up to the teens to save the day. In particular teen “Chase” becomes the leader of the teens and ultimately confronts the Gila monster is a (lame) climatic battle, but not before the action stops for a moment an he sings, “The Mushroom Song”, a creepy song that has no place in the movie!

Fonzie-like Chase emerges as the hero.

Brought to you by Ray Kellogg, the same guy who directed The Killer Shrews that same year! Like Killer Shrews Gila Monster is every bit as b-movie as you can get, but still fun. The Gila monster is just a regular iguana walking through very fake sets but, damn, it’ll put a smile on your face. I wish I could take a time machine and sit in a 1956 audience to see if anyone was ever really “scared” watching these terrible movies. I mean first I’d assassinate Hitler, and then I’d do that.

In the midst of all the carnage our hero manages to find time to sing a really creepy, random bad song.

"The Mushroom Song"

There was a mushroom, a sad little mushroom,
and there was meadow, ready to cry,
and there was a sparrow, a gray little sparrow,
and there was an eagle, silent and high
And the Lord said, laugh, children, laugh;
the Lord said, laugh, children, laugh;
the Lord said, laugh, children, laugh;
the Lord said, laugh, children, laugh, laugh, laugh
And the lord he said I created for you,
a world of joy from out of the blue,
and all that is left to complete the joy--
just the laugh of a girl and boy
And there was a garden, a beautiful garden,
held in the arms of a world without joy,
then there was laughter, wonderful laughter,
for he created, a girl and a boy
And the Lord said, laugh, children, laugh,
the Lord said, laugh, children, laugh,
the Lord said, laugh, children, laugh,
the Lord said, laugh, laugh, laugh
The Lord said, laugh, children, laugh,
the Lord said, laugh, children, laugh,
the Lord said, laugh, children, laugh,
the Lord said, laugh, laugh, laugh

10 comments:

DCD said...

I'm dying over here! Hysterical!

I feel like I may have seen part of this movie somewhere...flipping channels probably!

AC said...

1. what's a dick jockey?

2. could you create an audio file of that song? i need to have it on my shuffle.

JPX said...

1. I think Paris Hilton is a dick jockey.

2. That's like asking me to split an atom.

I'mnotMarcbutmyboyfriendis said...

you can't get an audio file because it'd be difficult to get the capture, or because you thought the lab sucked so much you only gave it two stars and never want to go back to it to split any more atoms?

AC said...

Hah hah!

DCD said...

AC, I am so envious of you changing your avatar all the time. I have tried for weeks to no avail...

AC said...

where in the process are you getting stuck?

me said...

It just won't take the new URL, when I put it in and save it does nothing. Octo said he was having trouble too.

AC said...

weird.

DCD said...

Now you're just taunting me.