Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Haiku Hump Day - The Mall and/or Teenagers



I struggled with this week’s haiku topic. It came down to a choice between the mall or teenagers and then I thought, “Heck, I’ll do both”. After all, teens and malls go together like Republicans and intolerance. There are many angles to take on this topic such as stores that have no business existing…



…to stores that no longer exist,


Yes that's Horrorthon's JPX grieving the loss of a lame toy chain!

…to the first place a teenage boy would hit upon arrival,



As for the teen angle,



I have zero tolerance for teenagers and my mother will tell you that even when I was one I couldn’t stand them. She even used to refer to me as “the old man” due to my disgust over their shenanigans. There’s just something unsettling about them, perhaps it’s because they’re all id, they’re often snotty, and they’re generally unpleasant to look at.



Most likely I don’t like teens because the girls wouldn’t give me the time of day,


We mock you, JPX!

So get to it people! Regale me with your mall/teen memories and observations. I expect greatness from you (including Miko and Landshark who seem to have disappeared). All of you were once teens and all of you used to hang out at the mall, so there’s no excuse to ignore the topic and give me low self-esteem.

60 comments:

JPX said...

The first thing we did
When Octo got his license
Was head to the mall

I can't stand Spencer's
Fart gags and other dumb things
I always go in

Why do teens love malls?
Make-out in the photo booth
I never got to

AC said...

food court free samples
exciting yet suspicious
"chicken" on toothpick

like others on blog
my teen years were not my prime
one phrase: debate team

AC said...

some mourn getting old
but i prefer 43
to any teen year

JPX said...

With a time machine
I would avoid my teen years
Who needs that hassle?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Spencer is alright
Dirty toys, games and posters
Plus a KISS section

Just Fun, aptly named
Then one day the fun ended
I call that "funjust"

Friggin' Strawberries
Twenty bucks for a CD?
That takes balls mister

Doo-dads & hoo-ha's
Sharper Image wowed young minds
It was the future

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Mom promised me mall
Why are we in Fall River?
Sweater outlets?! NOOOOO!!

JPX said...

Mom trips to the mall
Usually meant the Weather Vane
Worst store for a kid

KB Toys with mom
She didn't care about toys
Made us leave quickly

Catfreeek said...

Swansea Mall Theater
Easy to sneak into flicks
Damn I miss that place

Orange Julius
What was really in those drinks
Unsolved mystery

Auntie Anne's pretzels
Cinnamon sugar heaven
Can't just walk on by

Going to the mall
Horrible shopping with Mom
we never left Sears

Johnny Sweatpants said...

What the fuck was DEB?
Big ass, gawdy neon sign
None of my business

Traumatic childhood
Weathervane, a hell on earth
Mom spent days in there

Stan and I were nuts
We rode our bikes to Swansea
Dangerous, yet cool

Not much time, let's plan
We should start with Toys R Us
Then take it from there

Catfreeek said...

Spenser's as a teen
Passing that naughty section
Forbidden trinkets

So my friend asked me
"What's a french tickler?" I laughed
So she thought I knew

Bath and Body Works
Too much smelly stuff at once
I could never choose

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Here's my proposal
Sharper Image - only lame
We'll call it "Brookstone"

HandsomeStan said...

Of all days to fly
Cross country to JFK
"Sky Mall" mag sucks

I'd shop at Sky Mall
If it was really in sky
Cloud City's got one

Ann & Hope, Ames, Zayre's
Caldor, Apex & Lechmere
Eaten by Wal Mart

Hooray! Emerald Square!
Oh wait - just another mall.
Yay! Providence Place!

Catfreeek said...

Mall rats are funny
if on film, reality
obnoxious pre-teens

In the mall pet store
staring sad eyes in cages
want to take them home

Christmas atmosphere
Crowds, Santa and screaming brats
Think I'll shop online

HandsomeStan said...

Come to Swansea Mall
Hear others add "W's"
Ahem: Swawnsea Mawl

Cherry Web & Touraine
Who the hell are you people
All three of you failed

HandsomeStan said...

Final boarding call
HandsomeStan thinks about malls
For a six-hour flight

JPX said...

The mall candy store
Who the hell buys candy there?
Oh yeah, teenagers

HandsomeStan said...

You work at kiosk
AND you stop me to sell shit?
Now you must be killed

Funnest movie mall:
Bill & Ted's guitar montage
Or, Dawn of the Dead's

Genghis Kahn skateboards
Beethoven rocks music store
Or, Flyboy gets bit

Catfreeek said...

Went to PA mall
all factory outlet stores
It's a bad idea

Layout: one level
one full mile from end to end
Uuuugh! Just kill me now

I'm a strange woman
Avoiding malls like the plague
I just hate to shop

Filene's basement store
My Mom's own torture chamber
retail pit of hell

Mom please let's go home
3 hours looking at curtains
thinking suicide

Catfreeek said...

I remember when
the Swansea mall was top notch
now it's the ghetto

Beware mall demos
Free facial with a sales pitch
prompts guilty buying

JPX said...

What's that hot dog place?
In the Swansea Mall food court?
I think it's "Nathan's"

How does it survive?
There's a market for hot dogs?
Oh yeah, teenagers

50PageMcGee said...

yeah, that girl is totally putting colgate on her zits. that won't make them go away, but it will definitely give them that fresh-from-the-dentist feeling. AC and JPX should smear aquafresh all over their toughest patients.

big man on campus
prom king crown's in the bag...buuut
huge last-second zit.

teen years - wish i knew
pick-up lines wholly needless
just be nice, kiss well

mall kids seemed so cool
found out late, status unearned
dumb shits, just like me

Johnny Sweatpants said...

"Do me a favor,
Don't make us go to Fayva"
My dad begged my mom

Octopunk said...

Just Fun is more fun
More fun than what? I don't know
Miss those bloops and bleeps

AC said...

i don't like to shop
the part of malls i like most?
you guessed it: food court!

irony galore
when appearance matters most
braces and acne

JPX said...

As I walk by teens
I swear I hear snickering
It still gets to me

It still baffles me
Who wants to buy a meat log
from Pepperidge Farm?

Who thinks about meat
When you're strolling through the mall?
They have tiny bread

Catfreeek said...

Christmas temps for hire
Most humiliating job
Peddling meat samples

The Wampanoag Mall
was a cute quaint little mall
had like 7 stores

Hate droves of people
My favorite kind of mall
must be virtual

AC said...

mr. ac sez:

when i was a teen
the mall security guards
did not ride segways

when i was a teen
while my mother was asleep
i "borrowed" her car

AC said...

mr and mrs ac sez:

these darn teens today
with their levitating cars
we rode the school bus

these darn teens today
with googleberry podphones
we yelled down the block

these darn teens today
all piercings and sex and drugs
we... uh, never mind

HandsomeStan said...

Home smells like grapefruit
I shop at Yankee Candle
Car smells like pumpkins

JPX said...

The Rhode Island Mall
Mostly empty and just sad
But it has Toy Vault

Hate the movies now
Stupid teens text messaging
Bright, distracting light

Yep, I shoplifted
Never had cash as a teen
I'm not proud of this

AC said...

a barrington teen
who hadn't yet met her peeps
wish i'd known you guys!

Catfreeek said...

Shoplifting's easy
without electronic tags
yeah those were the days

JPX feels bad
Who didn't lift from Spencer's?
No cash, light fingers

My teen thievery
made me a keen eyed adult
busted many thieves

Catfreeek said...

Wish I knew you too
we could have shared many more
outrageous Dead shows

At the mall with friend
Mom didn't know we met boys
I was a bad teen

Sneak into movies
stealing clothes and cassette tapes
If Mom only knew

JPX said...

Embarrassed to go
In Victoria's Secret
Feel like a pervert

The store personnel
Catch me looking at all the
Sexy mannequins

"Can I help you, sir?"
Mortified I say, "No thanks"
As I run away

HandsomeStan said...

Metalheads scared me
Patch-filled jackets in Just Fun
(gulp) Play anyway!

JPX said...

Stupid Hallmark store
Over-priced cards and dumb gifts
Sigh, yes I shop there

The Learning Center
Disguised as a cool toy store
Really toys for nerds

I want Star Wars stuff
Not at the Learning Center
Just fake volcanos

Dana's Brain said...

Remember Caldor?
I sure do. Got busted there,
Just one more teen thief.

SO embarrassing.
Having a mall cop call your
parents? Kill me now!

Dana's Brain said...

Teen years were not kind.
Glasses as big as my head,
Yet no one told me?!?!

Didn't have the cash
Wasn't a "cool kid". Know what?
Doesn't matter now.

I'd never go back.
Don't get those that say,"High school
years? Best Ever!" Jerks.

Dana's Brain said...

I can't remember
Last time I was in a mall.
Guess I don't miss em!

HandsomeStan said...

Zombies or spiders
The mall is your safe haven
Or so I've been told

HandsomeStan said...

Mall: equalizer
Cool kids roamed; the nerd kids gamed
Uneasy clique truce

Coke-bottle glasses
I saw Ms. Pac Man better
Suck on THAT high score

HandsomeStan said...

Fondest teen hangout
The Seekonk Bowling Alley
Now...a Pep Boys (sob)

Whipping duckpin balls
Then play stand-up Super Sprint
LOVED that fucking game

Bowling alley smell
The tinkle of bill changer
Heady concoction

HandsomeStan said...

Teenage mystery
How to cram fun into this:
"Pick us up at 9"

Catfreeek said...

High school do over?
I'm with the Brain, say no way
too many issues

Those who claim best years
have had little life success
and long to be cool

The truth to be told
I sucked at video games
I liked to watch though

Years later, my house
I still suck at most all games
I read maps and watch

Malls just piss me off
Overpriced corporate stores
brainwashing our teens

Rebel from way back
Ripped the tags off my Levis
Stick it to the man!

HandsomeStan said...

(hope there's some Eddie Izzard fans out there for this one, it's a sentiment echoed by a few previously...)

Affected by plague
When you want to look your best
You will look the worst

Skin explodes. Voice cracks.
The girls have boobs already.
Can't form a sentence.

AC said...

eddie izzard rules
i heart him in women's clothes
AND ocean's thirteen

Catfreeek said...

No Octo 'ku's yet
Must be out cruising the mall
for fresh new ideas

Catfreeek said...

Every mall has one
Though the store's never busy
the Radio Shack

HandsomeStan said...

MrsX wished to submit the following, a couple of which of which make me wonder:

I'm now scared of malls
Damn Dawn of the Dead remake
Scary movies suck!

Concert at a mall
Circa Nineteen Eighty Six
Tiffany/New Kids

When I was a kid
I did runway shows at malls
First jobs are so lame

Meet up at the mall
Make out in the parking lot
Now thems be some memories!

Skateboards and children
Crowding up the entryway
WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS?!?!?

(It's either the "Scary movies suck" or the "make out" thing that has me on edge...)

HandsomeStan said...

One more tear-jerker from MrsX:

"How could KB fall?
It had toys and a great name."
...said Ms. Krista Braun.

Octopunk said...

How 'bout Bedazzled?
dots and triangles on stuff
80's cool defined

Octopunk said...

Spencer's big spenders
Bought big changing color balls
Fiberoptic bliss

Octopunk said...

Soon Octo's birthday
Gary had the bright idea
A beaded curtain!

JPX nuked it
Put the curtain down, Gary
And let's leave Spencer's

Octopunk said...

Hold up there, Catfreeek
Was Mrs. Duley your coach?
I mean in debate

She taught frosh English
But had resigned as the coach
Man, what a class act

Duley's debate team
Was feared throughout New England
Next coach, not so much

Dimbulb named Fagen
On one occasion torched hair
Cigarette, hairspray

You know Van Dam twins?
John Rumpler or Dan Hillman?
Am I ringing bells?

Octopunk said...

Awkward debater
Is there any other kind?
But, seriously...

Was I a nerd? Sure
But I knew kids way worse off
All over U.S.

Ugly, high strung freaks
Bad skin and bad attitudes
Ties, jackets no help

Octopunk said...

Back off, K.B. nerd!
You face snakelike reflexes
The droid will be mine

HandsomeStan said...

Octopunk late night
A syllabic juggernaut
Why am I still up?

Catfreeek said...

AC was the debate team guru, I was a Dead Head artsy hippie type in school for the most part. I did have Mrs, Duley for public speaking class which prompts a couple of funny stories for another time. I knew the Van Dam twins they did a tap dance act in front of the whole school in 5th grade at Peck school.

AC said...

i was on debate team at barrington high before i moved to ct summer of 1981, so just my freshman and sophomore years. mrs. duley was our coach and indeed we kicked ass if i recall correctly. i do remember the van dam twins but not the others you mention. i would have preferred to be a hippie deadhead back then but wouldn't have even known what that was.

Catfreeek said...

Career wise you're better off having cracked the books and waiting to be the hippie deadhead now :)

I wish I had taken studies more seriously back then but I still wouldn't want to go back for a do-over.