Thursday, August 06, 2009

JSP takes Haiku Hump Day!

You guys all did a wonderful job, I laughed my ass off all day long. In the end I had to go with JSP, who provided haikus that reminded me of my childhood and dealing with our mother, who loved shopping for clothes but despised having to spend one second in a toy store. She would often pull a bait-and-switch by promising us time in KB Toys if we went to the mall with her. What this normally entailed was 60 minutes of standing around in clothing stores and 3 minutes in KB (without buying us anything). It was sheer torture and is probably the main reason that even as an adult I hate clothes shopping. As JSP notes in this brillaint haiku, there was nothing worse than having to go to Fall River,

Mom promised me mall
Why are we in Fall River?
Sweater outlets?! NOOOOO!!

As we both noted, out mother's favorite store was the horrible Weathervane and we were often held hostage there for hours. I think that stupid place still exists,

Traumatic childhood
Weathervane, a hell on earth
Mom spent days in there

I don't know why, but I kept laughing all day long over this one because I can totally picture my father saying this,

"Do me a favor,
Don't make us go to Fayva"
My dad begged my mom

I dig these 3 from Stan (I was just reading Sky Mall a few weeks ago when I went to Orlando)

Of all days to fly
Cross country to JFK
"Sky Mall" mag sucks

I'd shop at Sky Mall
If it was really in sky
Cloud City's got one

Ann & Hope, Ames, Zayre's
Caldor, Apex & Lechmere
Eaten by Wal Mart

Catfreek, who almost won, provided a number of hilarious mall memories. Apparently her mother also dragged her into awful stores,

Filene's basement store
My Mom's own torture chamber
retail pit of hell

Mom please let's go home
3 hours looking at curtains
thinking suicide

I love this one from 50P!

mall kids seemed so cool
found out late, status unearned
dumb shits, just like me

It turns out a number of us shoplifted, as Dana's Brain notes in these two,

Remember Caldor?
I sure do. Got busted there,
Just one more teen thief.

SO embarrassing.
Having a mall cop call your
parents? Kill me now!

Octo made me laugh with this in-joke about the time he outran a fat nerd to grab some hard-to-find Star Wars figures,

Back off, K.B. nerd!
You face snakelike reflexes
The droid will be mine

Congrats, JSP, you earned it!


Octopunk said...

Nice one Mr. Pants! The sweater outlet one made me laugh the loudest, too.

Apologies to both Catfreeek and AC that I got the debate thing backwards. I never knew the Van Dam twins but their younger sister Katrin was a year ahead of me and a bigwig in the drama set. I heard the twins were part of the reason Mrs. Duley decided to retire.

The other two guys I mentioned were the leftover seniors from the Duley years; they graduated in '84.

Catfreeek said...

Mrs. Duley was a very cool lady, she handled our stupid disruptive stoner antics with style and grace. To this day I uphold the greatest respect for that woman.

The Van Dam twins were strange, at least to my knowledge I never hung out with them but to this day I am baffled by the mystery of their school hosted tap dance recital. I'm sure there must have been a monetary reason for this madness since there were many more of us who took dancing lessons as well and were never asked to perform. However, in 5th grade we didn't consider this.

Picture an auditorium full of stunned faces being forced to watch the twin tappers clicking away to "Nothin' could be finer then to be in Carolina" We weren't even in Carolina for chrissakes!

Oh yeah, congrats JSP you big jerko!

Dana's Brain said...

I too, laughed out loud at the Fall River outlets one. Many memories of those placed myself!

Congrats, Herr Pants! Jerk.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

I love the smattering of Jambi pictures throughout the post. That was a great topic!

The AC's made me laugh with this one:

these darn teens today
with googleberry podphones
we yelled down the block

AC said...

thanks jsp and congratulations on the win! i was having flashbacks all day, what with fayva and fall river 'n' such.

HandsomeStan said...

For the record, I thought it was over when I read the "funjust" one...genius!