Saturday, October 06, 2007

Beneath Still Waters

(2005) *1/2

Okaaaay. So let me preface this by saying I don't belong to Netflix - so everyone can relax that I am going to win. Actually, my point is that because of this, I have to rely on the local Blockbuster to fill my Horrorthon needs. Not such a great selection of horror to say the least. But this was in the "New Releases" section, looked like a kind of monster-y flick, so I picked it up.

The story starts in Spain, 40 years ago with two kids hopping a fence to go check out a town that is going to be flooded. The process has already started a little bit, so the kids are walking through water and hear people yelling in one of the buildings. They go in and there are lots of occult things and a painting of a guy who must be the Spanish version of the big scary guy from the Phantasm movies. The kids go downstairs and find some people chained to the floor. The Phantasm guy is also there, chained up and hands tied. One of the kids unties him and is promptly killed when the big guy rips his head open and he and the others start feasting. Turns out, a bunch of men from the village see that the baddies are taking over the town, things are getting out of hand, so they devise the "bury the town, and the evil ones under several tons of water" plan.

Now we come to the present day. Where Clara, our heroine and her friend, the Spanish Pamela Anderson, are hanging out by the lake - the one created by the dam. Clara is kind of mopey and always seems to be talking about "what happens when you die..." Yawn. Then big silly Antonio comes along. Pamela Anderson gets caught up in some kind of growth on the bottomof the lake and Clara goes to help her. Antonio pretends to be getting attacked, what a card! And then guess what? He goes down. Oh - this is also the Spanish version of Jaws, because they are about to have a big 40th Anniversary Celebration for the Dam and the Mayor convinces everyone that all the dead bodies popping up are "accidents."

PS - Everyone in this movie has a different accent, and they are all baaaaad.

Next we see Spanish Tawny Kitaen who plays Clara's Mom and there's this rogue diver photo journalist - oh my God, I can't believe I have already wasted so much time on this review of this really bad movie. Here are some highlights:

Things that kill townspeople:
  • Black goo/weeds coming from the lake
  • Some kind of sea witch thing with really big hands
  • Phantasm Guy - who's ultimate plan is to break the dam and kill everyone, but first he must get Clara

Slightly interesting bits - or why it earned that 1/2 star:
  • Kids head getting ripped open in the beginning was kind of shocking in a good way.
  • REALLY ridiculous scene of Pamela Anderson wanna-be going down to the lake to tell the dead Antonio that she loved him. You get your first T&A shot. And guess who comes crawling out of the lake, all decomposed and gnarly? That's right, Antonio. And them Pamela lets him lower her to the sand gently and they look like they are about to do it - ewww - until he rips a big chunk out of her neck. That got a laugh.
  • Phantasm Guy's bad occult energy is taking over the town just as the big celebration is starting and apparently this energy causes everyone to go nuts and have orgies, self-mutilate, mutilate others, nuns and priests getting it on - you get the idea. There is a lot of boob and ass shots at this time. Also a significant amount of gore.

So all the good guys win: Clara is saved, Tawny and the diver are getting together, the cracks in the dam stop leaking and the kids Clara was babysitting are scarred for life. Oh, and then David the little boy turns out to be evil, says "I hate them all" and the dam bursts!

Best part of the whole movie.


miko564 said...

The question is....Where was the dog during this one?

DCD said...

LOL miko!

He completely abandoned me! Of course, with this one it really didn't matter.

AC said...

i bet reading your review was way more entertaining than watching the actual movie!

I'mnotMarcbutmyboyfriendis said...

Witchy thing with big hands? That sounds kind of bitchin. No pictures of that anywhere, eh?

DCD said...

The only picture I could find of this turkey was the cover of the dvd box.
And believe me, that thing was not bitchin.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Nice review DCD, and I'm surprised by your prolific output!