Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Creepshow 3


(2006) *

Creepshow 3, curiously absent of any sign of The Creep, returns with 5 more “scary” tales.

[Horrorthon note, I’m going to spoil this movie in order to save you the trouble and to illustrate just how bad it is - you have been warned].

“Alice”

In Alice, a miserable teenager comes home to find her family sitting in the den while her father plays around with his new “universal remote.” After a snotty exchange with her family members, which include her parents, brother, and grandmother, her father presses something on the remote (hue?) and suddenly everyone, except Alice, is now African American and we must sit through the exact same scene of snotty exchanges again. Then her father hits that dang remote (subtitles?) and suddenly everyone, except Alice, is now Hispanic and we must sit through the same scene of snotty exchanges in Spanish. Eventually her father hits another button and Alice turns into the above-mutated creature. Alice, horrified, stumbles outside screaming and the kindly old professor who lives next-door walks up to her and turns her into a rabbit. The End. Wait, what? Yep, I’m not kidding, it’s that bad.

“The Radio”

After security guard Jerry’s radio craps out on him he does what any of us would do, he buys another one off of a crazy, homeless man. After getting it home and turning it on Jerry quickly learns just how special his radio truly is. Almost immediately a soothing female voice begins speaking to him, telling him what to do (isn’t that the way it always is boys? Huh? Huh? Who’s with me on this? Hello? Sigh.). Anyway, after getting Jerry to complete mundane tasks (e.g., cleaning up his apartment, buying groceries, etc), the radio’s instructions become a bit more sinister, leading Jerry to robbery and ultimately murder.

“Call Girl”

Call girl Rachael, who also happens to be a serial killer, is hired by Victor, a shy recluse, to spend some quality time with him, if you know what I mean. Sadly after tying Victor up and stabbing him, he turns into the above picture and kills her, The End. Yep, it’s just that bad.

“The Professor’s Wife”

Two former students of a crazy old professor who was always tinkering with robotics, invites the boys over to meet his “fiancé”. The boys, convinced that she’s a robot, decide to play a “joke” on the professor and pull her apart. Uh oh, she wasn’t a robot. The End. Yep, it’s just that bad.

“Haunted Dog”

A heartless doctor assigned to work in a Free Clinic as punishment for some prick thing he did intentionally gives a homeless guy a spoiled hotdog as a gag. The homeless guy promptly jokes on it and dies. As the prick doctor goes through his day dispensing cruel advice to his patients, the homeless guy haunts him. After one too many hauntings the doctor dies from fright. The End. Yep, it’s just that bad.

Granted the Creepshow films were never masterpieces, but they certainly had their charms. The original especially captured the vibe of old horror magazines like Eerie and Creepy and was even structured with a comic book feel. Creepshow 2 was less effective but still contained The Raft, a highlight. Creepshow 3 completely jettisons everything that made the first two remotely effective and instead offers up 5 horrible stories devoid of irony, thrills, scares, nudity, well you get the gist. Avoid at all costs unless you’re in the mood to throw things at your television. Don’t do that, you might break it. It's just that bad. Simply awful.

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