Dragon Wars

(2007) **1/2

This would have worked out just fine as a 20-minute podcast. There's a segment in which two imugi (200 foot long serpents) snarl and snap at each other while twisted around the US Bank Tower. Meanwhile stories below, US Army Blackhawks weave through downtown Los Angeles in an aerial game of cat-and-mouse with a horde of flying lizards. It's pretty spectacular action. It's a damn shame it happened in the middle of the movie Dragon Wars.

The movie follows Ethan (Jason Behr, whose hair is -- to quote Patton Oswalt -- "gayer than eight guys blowing nine guys.") and Sarah, in their flight from Buraki, the evil imugi. They're the star players in a centuries old prophesy. Buraki wants to become a dragon and Sarah carries heavenly power to transform him.

It all culminates with a final battle between Buraki and his opponent, the good imugi. Sarah sacrifices herself to the good imugi, expelling a glowing ball of power. Consuming the ball, the good imugi sprouts legs and wings and a lovely pair of antlers and burns Buraki to a crisp.

One thing I wished repeatedly throughout the film the two leads would pick up on: everywhere they go, destruction follows. Buraki hunts Sarah all over LA, and with each successive, destructive encounter I'm wondering why they aren't leaving LA completely and taking the gigantic rampaging lizard away from LA's 10 million residents.

It was the attack in downtown LA, more than any other encounter, that set me over the edge. They're at a chic LA restaurant, surrounded by hip Angeleno couples. They decide to leave moments before Buraki and his flying army come crashing through the windows, the reptiles' first really public display of force. And you know what? I'm almost positive those pretty fuckers didn't even pay their bill, much less leave a decent tip.

On the other hand, it was great fun watching it with Octo and Julie. I rather felt like Tom Servo, chattering with them through the entire film. I have to admit I preferred lunch afterwards. Unlike the movie theater, it was sunny and warm and we weren't being interrupted every few minutes by Dragon Wars disappointing us.