Horrorthon Shame visited me early this year. For those who haven’t yet experienced this oddly pleasing phenomenon, Horrorthon Shame (HS) occurs when you’re watching a movie so unforgivably bad, you begin to question your very right to exist. The primary symptom is an overwhelming awareness that you are a grown adult who should be spending your time more productively. You might find yourself asking “What decisions have I made throughout my life that led me to this very moment?” Or in the case of Eegah, “Why am I watching a buffoon dressed like a caveman weep for his dead ancestors?”
Eegah sure does suck. Dignifying this movie with a plot summary goes against my better judgment but so it goes in Horrorthon. A teenager named Roxy drives into a giant caveman who runs off into the desert. Both her father and her boyfriend Tommy are convinced she was mistaken and the three of them set out to the desert to get to the bottom of this once and for all.
Tommy the boyfriend is played Arch Hall Jr. I made sure to remember this name as he irritated me in a very special and unique way. He reminds me of a person I despise but cannot quite place. A place I’ve never been, but am somehow grateful that I haven’t. Take a look at this jerk for yourself:
Tommy is known to spontaneously break out his guitar and sing crappy 50’s tunes. People inexplicably enjoy it when he does so. In short, he thinks he’s cool despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary.
Eegah soon kidnaps Roxy and drags her to his cave. And why shouldn’t he? He’s a cave man. Now that I think about it, every single cave man stereotype in the book is included - cave drawings, grunting, mono-syllabic responses and the obligatory big rock club. (And another thing, though Eegah is labeled a giant, he’s really only about 6’2”. This is still ridiculous. Haven’t they seen the evolutionary chart? No, no, of course not.) In one of the worst scenes of one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, Eegah and Roxy learn to communicate with each other and develop a sort of bond. But Eegah’s savage instincts get the best of him and the movie ends with a dune buggy chase in broad daylight, involving a man dressed in fur and three people that I hope to never see again.
Oh wait. That’s right, the movie didn’t end there. Determined to test my patience to the absolute limits, Eegah (believe me, it pains me to write that name more than it pains you to read it) crashes a snooty dinner banquet and throws a well dressed man in the pool. By the time the credits roll, Tommy squeezes in a couple more tunes and we’re left with this nugget of wisdom from the Bible to mull over: “There were Giants on the earth in those days” - Chapter 4, Verse 32
I’ve showered since but still feel dirty.
11 comments:
Wasn't this an MST3K movie?
To be honest, I've never seen MST3K and never understood it's appeal. It seems its only purpose is to be a thorn in my Horrorthon ass.
Why does one need 3 robot silhouettes to make fun of something for them? Have we gotten that lazy?
I completely agree with you about MST3K.
Great review, by the way. I feel your pain with the whole horrible movie thing. I've had that experience where you're 15 minutes into a bad movie for Horrorthon and you want to bail but you don't want to lose precious movie-watching time. I think my rule of thumb at this point is to bail if it's too painful.
I love MST3K. I know that octopunk does too (in fact, we talked about it on the day we met, twelve years ago or thereabouts).
But I'm not sure I could explain why I like it. The instant I first saw the silhouettes over a movie, I cracked up and wanted to watch. I suppose I can understand not liking it. The tone changed significantly when the original founding star (Joel Hodgson) left and the head writer (Mike Nelson) took over. I prefer the Joel episodes; octo prefers (or is more familiar with) the Mike episodes.
Octo, you got anything to say here?
No bailing!
MST3K is great, although maybe it's not for everyone. Discussion for another time.
Eegah was featured on the show, and gave them a catch phrase that came up in several subsequent episodes. When the gang first starts exploring, a disembodied voice that matches none of the actors' voices says "watch out for snakes!"
As I said, I've never seen a single episode so it's not really fair of me to dis it. I wonder though, does the humor still hold up?
God, one look at that pic of Tommy or should I say the "jerk" and I know I could never tolerate watching this movie. He is one of those people that if you saw him standing next to a pool, or on the edge of a boat, you wouldn't be able to stop yourself from pushing him in the water.
"eegah" holds the dubious honor of being the only MST3K movie i have ever been unable to finish watching. even WITH snappy bot commentary i just could not get through that damned movie. and i love MST3K.
You had to show four of him? One wasn't enough?
jpx had to post a billion pictures of zac efron last month? ringing our doorbells and throwing poop at us when we answered wouldn't have done the trick?
I also completely saw the zac efron connection with 50's boy there.
I'm in the "love MST3K" camp.
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