Horrorthon Shame visited me early this year. For those who haven’t yet experienced this oddly pleasing phenomenon, Horrorthon Shame (HS) occurs when you’re watching a movie so unforgivably bad, you begin to question your very right to exist. The primary symptom is an overwhelming awareness that you are a grown adult who should be spending your time more productively. You might find yourself asking “What decisions have I made throughout my life that led me to this very moment?” Or in the case of Eegah, “Why am I watching a buffoon dressed like a caveman weep for his dead ancestors?”
Eegah sure does suck. Dignifying this movie with a plot summary goes against my better judgment but so it goes in Horrorthon. A teenager named Roxy drives into a giant caveman who runs off into the desert. Both her father and her boyfriend Tommy are convinced she was mistaken and the three of them set out to the desert to get to the bottom of this once and for all.
Tommy the boyfriend is played Arch Hall Jr. I made sure to remember this name as he irritated me in a very special and unique way. He reminds me of a person I despise but cannot quite place. A place I’ve never been, but am somehow grateful that I haven’t. Take a look at this jerk for yourself:
Tommy is known to spontaneously break out his guitar and sing crappy 50’s tunes. People inexplicably enjoy it when he does so. In short, he thinks he’s cool despite the mountain of evidence to the contrary.
Eegah soon kidnaps Roxy and drags her to his cave. And why shouldn’t he? He’s a cave man. Now that I think about it, every single cave man stereotype in the book is included - cave drawings, grunting, mono-syllabic responses and the obligatory big rock club. (And another thing, though Eegah is labeled a giant, he’s really only about 6’2”. This is still ridiculous. Haven’t they seen the evolutionary chart? No, no, of course not.) In one of the worst scenes of one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, Eegah and Roxy learn to communicate with each other and develop a sort of bond. But Eegah’s savage instincts get the best of him and the movie ends with a dune buggy chase in broad daylight, involving a man dressed in fur and three people that I hope to never see again.
Oh wait. That’s right, the movie didn’t end there. Determined to test my patience to the absolute limits, Eegah (believe me, it pains me to write that name more than it pains you to read it) crashes a snooty dinner banquet and throws a well dressed man in the pool. By the time the credits roll, Tommy squeezes in a couple more tunes and we’re left with this nugget of wisdom from the Bible to mull over: “There were Giants on the earth in those days” - Chapter 4, Verse 32
I’ve showered since but still feel dirty.