Rattlers

(1976) *1/2

Two kids with Beatles haircuts go on a typical stupid kid-quest for (this time skeletons) in the Mojave Desert. After Paul-kid convinces John-kid that the skeletons are at the top of a large ridge, the two make the trek and immediately fall into a den of rattlesnakes. Cue the Mariachi sound. So begins “Rattlers”, my first foray into “when beasts attack” of Horrorthon 2007, and it wasn’t pretty.

The death of these children (a surprisingly rare occurrence in horror movies) reverberates through the small, Maybury-like town and the sheriff convinces local zoology expert, Tom, who I guess was supposed to be “handsome” in a 1976 kind of way, to figure out what the hell is going on.

The dashing Tom.

Apparently there have been numerous other attacks in the area as well. As Tom begins his “investigation”, we are treated to a series of random snake attacks with other unsuspecting souls. The “highlight” was most likely the scene where a bitchy woman is taking a bath and, yep, you guessed it, her tub ends up full of snakes. All the posters advertise this scene, but the reality is that aside from a tiny bit of side-boob, you really don’t see anything at all. Of course, I later learned that this was a made-for-TV movie.

Tom requests additional help from the sheriff but the best he is able to offer is a local photography student. This annoys Tom and in one explosive exchange he acknowledges that he is not interested in working with a woman and her “liberated ass!” Later. Of course, Tom bangs her in a tent.

A feminist.

Eventually Tom’s investigation leads to a local military compound (of course, right?). Although he is initially granted permission to sniff around, he meets with increasing resistance, as he gets closer to the “answer”. Tom eventually learns that the military have been up to no-good and the snakes have been chemically altered. After a very brief climax, Tom and his photography assistant ride off into the sunset, presumably to bang some more.

Well it sounded good by the title! Okay, I supposed it didn’t, but I’m a sucker for these cheesy kind of paint-by-numbers animal attack flicks that flooded the market post Jaws. I love how ugly everyone looked in the later 70s. “Rattlers” has no bite. There, I said it. Completely devoid of any scares, drama, or even acting, it amuses on the level of something you might have on TV in the background while you’re in another room baking a cake.