Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

2001 **

50PageMcGeeber got this one, based on the description that's right there in the title. I agreed that it sounded like we couldn't lose. The dvd menu screen featured a rousingly positive metal tune, "It's okay! It's all right! Everybody gets LAID tonight!" (Amusingly enough, I've met two people since viewing JCVH who have the soundtrack but haven't seen the movie; this song is the one they remember.) And the opening credits boom out with a great 1982ish crazy techno-goofiness, as we get pictures of the colorful characters soon to be upon us. And then... the movie starts.

There's really no better way to describe the artistic mode on display than to state what becomes rapidly obvious: this movie was made by the gay hipster community of Ottowa, Ontario, Canada. If you're not sure what that implies, I offer this comparison. The hip level of this flick is akin to that time you overheard some math nerds telling jokes in college one time. They're in college, so these are guys who do occasionally get laid, and they seem like they're pretty good friends with each other, you can admire that -- but you just don't feel any jealousy that you're not in on their inside jokes. That's the thrill level the gay hipster community of Ottawa are inviting you to experience.

So Jesus is tapped by various pro-gay clergy to help stem the tide of lesbian disappearances plaguing Ottowa. After his first scene he gets a shave, haircut and ear piercings so the actor playing him could just look like he usually looks for the rest of the movie. Here he is now, fighting a bunch of atheists.

Like the clunky musical production number that follows shortly afterwards, the atheist fight drops into the movie out of nowhere, wastes some of your valuable time, and then vanishes from significance for the rest of the movie. It's also a good time to cram in as many friends of the filmmakers as possible, as it turns out you can pack atheists into a vehicle like clowns. This sounds funnier than it is. Jesus knocks a bunch down, more climb out of the car. Repeat joke for, oh, I don't know, eight or nine times. I include this crappy screenshot above to point out the random people in the background who just showed up to the park that day and through no fault of their own wound up in this movie.

The one bright spot is Mary Magnum here, joining the J-man long enough to buy him some clothes at Ottowa's hottest secondhand store -- and then get turned into a vampire. The high turnover in the cast means Jesus gets his ass kicked by vampires over and over again, losing one friend after another. What a loser.

I know this still sounds kind of like you can't lose, but trust me, you do. Yes, there's a Mexican wrestler who shows up and yes, Jesus gets all ninja in the last scene and kills vamps with toothpicks and chopsticks, but this movie is weak and weird. Not weird like disturbing, weird like "they thought that was funny? Weird."