As is traditional, I will begin.Haley Joel OsmentMade his big mark when he said,"I see dead people."
Blossom was stick thinBut once her show was cancelledHer stomach blossomedPoor Beaver CleaverHe was a cute little boyThen puberty hit
What about Full House?The Olsen twins were cute kidsActually they weren't
Mackenzie PhillipsHandles her cocaine problemOne day at a time
Retire at 9The new "cute one" takes overAs do drug problemsStage parents take noteA life lesson in two wordsMacaulay Culkin
Rob a liquor store?Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?Mr. Drummond failed
Millionaire by 10Divorce parents by 14Rehab by 16"Celeb" by 18VH1 show by 20Washed up by 20
Little Olsen trollsWho knew your weird-faced evilWould kill the Joker?Too harsh? Yes, perhapsWere I in an Olsen padI'd want some pills too
Poor Dana PlatoDrugs? What drugs? Hey, I'm sober!Kidding. Suicide!
Successful OpieGives us flicks with Clint HowardGee, thanks a lot Ron
Some facts about lifeIf you don't watch what you eatBlair, Jo, Tootie, Nat...Edna's EdiblesIs where the girls spent their timeThat's why they got fat
Hey BonnaducciCan you do me a favor?Stay off my TVFar worse than the drugsIs the Jesus addictionDeath to Kirk CameronRudy was cutieShe became fond of foodyThen she was replaced
Jaleel White/UrkelPoor bastard's typecast for lifeYes you did do that
Corey Haim/FeldmanI so wanted to be youLost Boys 3? Can't wait!Jonathan Ke QuanWhy don't you remember him?Short Round, Data, cool.
Poor Punky BrewsterGrew enormous double D'sHad a reduction
90210Luke Perry a "teen"?Teens don't have crow's feetDumb Lindsay LohanOnce a successful actressNow a troubled slut
Horrendous childLast Action Hero shitheadDeserves to be killedJake "Anakin" LloydWould NEVER become VaderLucas - you fucked up
Whoa, Joey LawrenceKind of a one-trick ponyCan't get far with "Whoa"
Young Miley Cyrus Her birth name is "Destiny"Which will be failure
That Sean Astin kidMikey, Rudy, and SamwiseGood career, fatso
"Liar Liar" kid -Would you like to hear the truth?I want to stab you
Smug little bastardThe Last Action kid must payDeath by firing squad
Hey I'm John Connor!But I take drugs and get drunk.I'm not John. Fur-long
Head too fucking largeYou Jerry Maguire kidGlasses hide nothing!
A better title"Some Dipshit In The Middle"Frankie Muniz - pfffffft
New Kids on the BlockHard to believe they'd get worsePuberty hit JoeSilverchair made itSputtered till DioramaBest album everrrI wish the kid fromLast Action Hero'd met withFreak set accidentGary Coleman, eh?Shouldn't count. Circa 'Strokes run,He was like thirty.
Haley Joel OsmentGets a pass 'cuz he's humbleAnd always looks scared Webster's too damn cuteI still want to pinch his cheeksYes, that's right those cheeks
The girl from "Annie"Now - waitress in HobokenYep, she served me beer
Mean Nelly OlsenAlways messing with LauraWhat an ugly kidand River Phoenixanother tragic endingso much wasted youthChristmas Story kidsRalphie directs, Schwartz bit partsand sweet Flick does porn
Arnold's last actionBefore being deemed "hero"- Snapping the boy's neck
A little known factJan, one of the Brady kidsplayed a prostitute
Lucky Brandon CruzGot to play Bill Bixby's sonA great TV DadI may be morbidAlways thought the Olson twinswould wind up in pornRoseanne's TV kidsAll amounted to nothingI'm just not surprised
Ritchie and JoanieBoth enjoyed those "Happy Days"What happened to Chuck?
Fat kid, bad haircutGet out of Arnold's movieYeah, I said you're fat!
You've hit rock bottomWhen your penis is onlineYep, I'm talkin' Screech
The kid from the ToyWound up in porn. Looks the sameBut fatter and gross
The kid from the ToyIs the Christmas Story kidwith the porn careerWe'll see him real soonIn the new "Coffin" horrorHis porn scares me more Though to be in pornHe must have had one assetRalphie didn't have
Dakota FanningThere's just nothing to say hereDakota Fanning
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