Sunday, October 21, 2012

Savage Planet

(2006) **

These days, if you're going to attempt to make a low budget science-fiction film, you need to have at least two of the following elements in place, or your movie is going to suck: good CGI; catchy performances; good script; your horrific bad guy not turning out to be bears.

At least if you're going to be cheap, aim lower, dammit. Don't make a movie about teleportation space-travel to a planet hundreds of light years away and then make the bad guy a frigging *bear*. If that's the best you got, why not just keep it on Earth and make a movie about a camping trip that gets attacked by grizzlies? At least you'd be able to better channel the computer animation budget.

For the love of fuck - even the *leaves* look fake.

Savage Planet really has no excuse to be as lame as it is. Sean Patrick Flanery has been in some legit stuff (Suicide Kings, The Boondock Saints), but there's no way he commanded enough salary for the makers of Savage Planet to have skimped so badly on everything else. I mean, this was 2006 -- Pi came out 8 years earlier and was made for no more than 1/16th the budget of Savage Planet and is approximately 32 times better a movie.

And let's not get too deep into the fact that this city tracking shot at the beginning of Savage Planet looks like the storyboard art for the intro to Battlestar Galactica, which started airing two years earlier.

I was going to just post every screenshot I took of Savage Planet's shitty animation and simply say, "Nice try. Assholes." But then I decided that that wouldn't be fair. To me. I believe sitting through this tired exercise earned me the right to bitch about this one a little -- although, if I watch a more half-assed piece of work this year, I think I'll be entitled to leave a frowny face as my entire review.

"A SyFy Channel Original"? Unsurprising.

Thanks SyFy! High-five!
No -- You have to open your hand the whole way.
God. Can't you fucks do anything right?


Octopunk said...

Haw haw! Bears! Not even space bears!

Sick burn review.

Catfreeek said...

Oh man, you had me laughing the whole way through. Way to make a comeback with two hilarious reviews. I swear the worst movies produce the best reviews.

Crystal Math said...

I agree with Cat that bad movie = good review.

Such a cool title should have yielded better results. Oh well, glad you got to slap some reviews up!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Hilarious indeed! Bears? That idea should have never made it past the brainstorming phase.

AC said...

yeah, super high review quality/movie quality quotient!

fucking bears.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

The movie Grizzly that I reviewed earlier this year was nothing special but at least I could relax knowing that it was a real bear and not some CGI monstrosity.

DCD said...

It is sad that you had to watch it, but you certainly entertained all of us with your hilarious review!

DCD said...

Also - the weird proportion on that first picture that makes the guy look sort of like a midget with a giant head is making me giggle!

Landshark said...

Ha, I missed this hysteria before. Darn ScFy jerks can't even high five correctly...that shit about the bears is priceless and so true.