Thursday, October 11, 2007

Eight Legged Freaks: Chapter I

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For my first foray into Horrorthon Review Land I wanted to be epic and unforgettable, so I may have to parcel this out, much like George Lucas. So here’s Episode I:

I wasn’t sure where to put this part in, so it’s now in the beginning: the original title of this movie was “Arac Attack, “ and I’ve got embroidered baseball hats to prove it. The first sign that a movie is in trouble is when they start polling the shooting crew with questions like, “What do YOU think the movie should be titled?”, and “What do YOU think the name of this town should be?” Bottom line is that they were doubly afraid of Idiot America thinking “Arac Attack” would really mean and sound like “Iraq Attack” or, for the more advanced thinker, sound a little too close to 1991’s “Arachnophobia.” As if, for a moment, they pictured a guy going in to a movie theater, sitting down and expecting to watch John Goodman battle Iraqi soldiers that had mutated into giant killer spiders that sprung up from the desert sand. [Which, as a sidebar, if they had BALLS, would make a great sequel, title and all, but I’m not at that point yet in my career where I can make that happen]

You can see the dilemma facing the Hollywood producers, which is to say, the dilemma facing complete retards.

Perhaps the last paragraph got bogged down in English-major verbiosity, but the point remains the same: in the first place, “Arac Attack” is a fine title, a worthy title based on the ho-hum area of popular consciousness that they seemed to be aiming for. A BETTER title, one that I personally formally submitted, was: GIANT. KILLER. SPIDERS. Punctuated just like that, capitalized just like that, boldfaced just like that, spaced just like that – This is what the movie is about, make no bones about it, and here it is. That's the title. ("What're you goin to see tonight? Giant. Killer. Spiders.") People respect that sort of shit. Or so I think. “Eight Legged Freaks” – well no fucking shit they’re eight-legged freaks - it’s grabbed from a line of dialogue, and a terrible one at that, and has absolutely ZERO strength as a title. It’s like re-naming Episode I “I’ve Got A Bad Feeling About This.” Somewhat appropriate, but completely terrible.

So ends my inaugural first few paragraphs on this site about this movie, and subsequent others. Countless more words await, arranged in cunning order.


JPX said...

In case it isn't apparent, Mr. Handsome was an extra in Eight Legged Freaks. Nice summary, Mr. Stan, I look forward to Episode II!

DCD said...

Yay HandsomeStan! Into the fray you go.

What I love is that picture of David Arquette where you just know he is screaming in pure girly fashion.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Handsome Stan was a 2nd AD, whatever the hell that is, but he wasn't a lousy extra!

And yeah, I agree. 8 Legged Freaks, the title already sounds dated.

Great stuff, write more!

HandsomeStan said...

tanTruth be told, I was still a "Production Assistant" on this one, but because the budget was, shall we say, retarded, they made a nice habit of involving members of the production staff (i.e., me) in as many shots as they could. Countless thousands of dollars were saved.

I do appreciate Sweatpants' defense of my real role, though. In truth, I was a "lousy extra" for a shot here and there, but that was also while performing my daily duties as what I would call a "kick-ass PA."

Octopunk said...

Dude! Welcome. I think GIANT. KILLER. SPIDERS. is genius. You were years ahead of Snakes on a Plane, which is now respected worldwide.