After knowing JPX for almost five years, I learned something pretty interesting about him. He has a ridiculous weakness for brownie batter, and I have the video to prove it. Although JPX is quite mortified for anyone to see this little film, he finally agreed to let me post it after a little arm-twisting, and, of course, with the agreement that I would post an equally embarrassing clip of myself. Recently, I unearthed two cassette tapes of me singing as a young child. It’s one hundred and twenty minutes of ultra humiliating torture. JPX forced us to listen to about ninety minutes of it a couple of weekends ago, but you only have to endure twenty-four seconds. As an added bonus, I’ve set an embarrassing picture of me looking like a boy as the backdrop. You probably remember my boy hair cut haiku from a previous week.
Enjoy these two videos, as JPX and I cringe in horror, and then be sure to post your most embarrassing moments in grand haiku form.
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Late for a new class
Only seat in the front row
Trip and land on butt
Need to meet with boss
I walk into his office
Clearly he farted
Waiting for bathroom
Secretary emerges
Left me a present
Sang Karaoke
Kicked ass, the crowd was cheering
then fell off the stage
Jr high horror
math class,period through pants
Social suicide
USA Skate Rink
I got a little too high
started to undress
Hilarious tale
that happened to a close friend
She reads this,I'm dead
She slept with this guy
he was performing oral
she was holding gas
As she orgasmed
she machine gun tooted out
in this poor guy's face
(I'm in tears laughing)
so they never spoke again
I think I'd just die
Break poop seal early
The JPX strategy
A proven winner
Where to begin here?
3am, and I still cringe
Wet pants in 3rd grade
Horrible moments
Replayed vividly in bed
Oh, insomnia
Fourth grade English class
scratching my ear, what's this bump?
A tick! So I screamed!
Late for a new class
Everyone looked over at me
My zipper was down
I once went to work
Saw patients, went to meetings
Wore two different shoes
Presenting research
To a large group of doctors
Did not go very well
I was asked something
About statistics I used
I couldn't answer
After awkward pause
I came up with an answer
I said, "I don't know"
Hampden Meadows swings
Jeff snags chain launching from high
Shreds Epcot t-shirt
Flushed the work toilet
Dang flush lever popped right off
Landed in bowl -- gone
Dressed like homeless man
Approach sales guy in Target
Damn, he's a patient
Boner dilemma
Mortifying school hall walk
Trapper Keeper shield
French Riviera
Surrounded by topless teens
Boner dilemma
Jeff visits our pool
Sports tiny "briefs" bathing suit
And I still tease him
met a young woman
seemed reluctant to shake hands
she had a flipper
as if in slo mo
i go for it anyway
and grasp that flipper
then my friendly mom
ignores the same social cues
and shakes the flipper
It was a hot day
Used bathroom, went to meeting
Walked in all sweaty
That's not the worst part
To my horror I realized
Belt was unbuckled
mid-pee, drop phone in
flush to avoid touching pee
phone clog overflow
hockey game, thrown out
rope gate in way, ducked under
helmet caught, flail, fall
alone in dorm stairs
cut *bad* fart, enter cute girl
stops to chat, bad choice
Crash at 50's house
The night before his birthday
Fall asleep by phone
Parents awake me
Sing whole Happy Birthday song
While I sit dumbstruck
An awkward silence
"Do we sound like Bob Dylan?"
"Do I sound like Marc?"
At basketball camp
"Friend" burns my ass with lighter
Leaves scorch mark on shorts
During discussion
Cut fart in gymnasium
200 boys laugh
Then while we exit
They all point out the scorch mark
They said 'twas the fart
Racquetball soul crush
An elderly man schooled me
In his underwear
Supermarket plight
“I’d like one Archie Digest
Please don’t judge me, sir”
Knock Knock. “Don’t come in!”
I’m virtually naked
(Watching J. Springer)
People stare at me
When I sing Happy Birthday
My voice is horrid
Book report on "Jaws"
tried to cheat and just watch film
endings not the same
Teacher called me out
in front of the entire class
looked like a dumbass.
I'm 40-years old
Yet I'm still embarrassed when
Purchasing condoms
Yet for some reason
I don't feel embarrassed if
The cashier is black
Every school photo
From ages 5 to 15
Coke bottle glasses
From 12 to 15
Add some braces to the mix
Embarrassing life
Dissed by a blind man
Stumbled into him, he asked:
"Who's blind, me or you?"
Chick ignored stop sign
I screamed at her from my bike
Turned out she was right
Worked with a girl who
tried to demonstrate break dance
she did a spin fart
teenage appearance
constantly embarrassing
i never looked good
glasses and braces
cheap "supercuts" type hairdo
not much acne though
i'd no fashion sense
one fine day in junior high
paired danskins with boots
another fine day
demo'd new type of blusher
sported orange cheeks
remember sun-in?
i'd forgotten about it
until this topic
Hanging out with Brent
Kid runs in holding dildo
Swear it was a prop!
I worked at the Y
Sun-in turned my hair orange
Chlorine made it green
Green was not in style
got accused of snotty hair
yes, I know Sun-in
another fine day
trumpet fart in assembly
yes cat that was me
AC you fooled me
thought you were the quiet one
you little stinker
Got high before class
big mistake, Mr. Battles
made me read out loud
My first chance at sex
I told her "I'm not ready"
A costly error
A bad day at work
bitching about co-worker
she's right behind me
A bad day at school
bitching about my boyfriend
he's on the phone line
Bad day at Walmart
bitch about store manager
he's in the next aisle
Can of shaving cream
bad substitute for hammer
leaves me foam covered
Friend on vacation
Let’s smoke up in his backyard
Neighbors called the cops
Cops and dogs dispatched
We ran, but they ran faster
Busted smoking pot
Stuffed stash down my pants
Cop said, “Is that your dick, kid?”
My reply, “Yes, Sir.”
Age 11, shit my pants
Buried them in grandma's yard
I bet they're still there
Radio station
Worked there at school for 1 day
I never went back
I bailed on this job
Refused to go on air 'live'
Social phobia
Tried to sneak car out,
pushing it out of driveway.
Burt was not happy.
At sixteen I thought
I could physically push
a Buick Regal
Why is it "okay"
for guys to drop fart bombs?
Social death for chicks.
I mistakenly
let one go in science class.
Teasing went for weeks!
In fourth grade recess,
wrap around skirt comes unwrapped.
Flashed entire school.
I curse those damn skirts
wind gust, blows open, exposed!
a flap-around skirt
On job interview
Noticed after shirt undone
and I got the job
Telemarketer
in college. I was busted
for faking phone calls.
Gave myself away.
Never hit a single "goal."
(Cause it was torture!)
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