Thursday, November 01, 2012

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

(2012)**

More action movie than horror, this film depicts Abraham Lincoln, our nation's 16th President, fighting the Civil War to defeat vampires.  Contrary to what Steven Spielberg would have you believe, the Civil War was all about vampires.  Okay, slavery was a little part of it.  In the vein of Bill O'Reilly's revisionist history, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter claims that vampires had taken up a sizable residence in the South, because, since they needed a ready supply of humans that no one would notice if they disappeared, vampires began a steady diet of slaves.  Lincoln figures out that if he is ever to defeat the vampires, he must cut off their food supply - slaves. 

Other than the fact that this movie kind of belittles the accomplishments of Lincoln, rather than make him seem cooler, I didn't like this movie much because, get ready for this... it wasn't realistic.  I know.  A horror movie, not realistic?  In a quick, 90-second training montage, Lincoln turns from a gawky, tall, servant into Neo from the Matrix.  By the time he's president, he apparently runs the entire country and war with only the help of his childhood friend and old boss.  When he figures out that all the soldiers at Gettysburg need silver bayonets, it's up to Mary Todd Lincoln to head down there to pass them out. 

Anyway, action sequences are okay, but in the end, anyone over the age of 9 will have trouble getting excited by the absurd story/action of this movie. 

6 comments:

Octopunk said...

Were I to review this I'd probably give it the three star "adequate" approval, but since seeing it opening night it hasn't crossed my mind once.

Crystal Math said...

Hmmm, I might still check this one out. I just need closure since I never got to see it in the theater.

Trevor said...

I'm not saying it's not worth checking out. It's a completely mindless matrix clone. Fortuantely, The Matrix was a great movie, so even its clones aren't that bad. It's better than Jonah Hex. But only a little.

Catfreeek said...

Yeah I need to watch this if only for the silliness of the plot and the action sequences. Nice review, I was hoping this one would show up at some point.

DCD said...

I was interested in this too. Hopefully it will show up on Netflix streaming - sounds like a perfect "I want to watch a movie that doesn't make me think very much" movie.

Abduscias said...

Aww, what a shame! The previews looked neat!