The Wicker Tree and Pighunt: two movies you can do without

Yep, that's right, folks: I'm telling you to stay far away from these movies (unless you've already seen them). That's where the similarity ends with The Wicker Tree and Pighunt.

The Wicker Tree
(2011) 1/2

This pitiful excuse for a movie begins with Beth and Steve announcing to their church that they will be leaving for Scotland to preach about Jesus, which is ridiculous since the majority of the country identifies as Christian (thank you, Wikipedia and 2001 Census) so that leaves a very small portion of heathens that need some savin'.

Unbeknownst to Beth and Steve, who have taken a vow of chastity until they are married, the townspeople that welcome them with open arms also welcomes with open legs.

There's also some talk about the local river making women infertile so in a sense it legitimizes having tons of wild and promiscuous sex; however, some see it as a bad omen because there are no children. Thus the May Day celebration -- here you can see Beth being "buttered up" for her role as the Queen.

The widdle biddy on the right literally spends the entire five-minute scene covering the same area of Beth's buttocks.

Here she is six minutes later, thoroughly covering the area under the butt-cheek.

This movie should not have been made. It meanders, there's terrible music as JSP mentioned, and I'd rather not recommend it to anyone regardless of how much they love Paganism, born-again Christians, or Christopher Lee.

Pig Hunt
(2008) *

Don't let the cool artwork fool you. This movie blew.

For about 75% of this movie all I had written in my notes was, "This is really hard to watch" (yes, I take notes). The only redeeming factor was that it took place in Boonville, CA, and the northern California landscapes reminded me of how lucky I was to be growing up with such beautiful rolling hills in my backyard, sans 3000-lb boars.

There was also some killer songs on the soundtrack, which also prompted me to continue watching. Les Claypool is credited on many songs with titles like "Boonville Stomp," so I had some sense that Mr. Claypool understands the simple life that Boonfolk live. Apparently, the filmmakers didn't because the locals are portrayed as weed-addicted ignorant violent bastards with a gang mentality and an unlimited supply of guns and motorcycles. In the defense of backwoods folk I have never encountered anyone like that, but in my own defense I'm damn glad that I got the hell out of living in backwoods towns.

Don't let the cliche image of rednecks fool you. This movie sucks.

Why am I meandering so much from reviewing this damn movie? Because the characters are forgettable, the plot predictable, and the finale reeks of pigshit and is meaningless. Not even the clever quote from Animal Farm with which it closes gives any resolution. They probably just picked up Orwell's book, opened it backwards to the last page, and thought to themselves, "Oh lookie! This quote has the word 'pig' in it! We can use it for dis movie!" Barf. Stay away from this, but if you must watch it to up your H-Thon movie count, it's available to watch instantly on Netflix.