Why No Game Has Ever Rivaled Ms. Pac Man

In 1979, the Pac Man arcade game was released. Many ghosts were eaten and children of all ages were entertained. They were only entertained for about five minutes however, due to the game’s snail-like pace and repetitive boards. But in 1981, Ms. Pac Man hit the scene and became an instant phenomenon. Some would argue that Ms. Pac Man is the greatest video game ever created. They would be right. You see, back in the 80’s video games weren’t “quests” that required 22 buttons, a guide book and a year of your time to complete. Games were games and they were fun. The kids of today can’t grasp this concept which explains why they feel the need to beat up hookers in Grand Theft Auto in order to get their kicks. But I’m not here to talk about the evolution of crap games. I’m here to extol the virtues of Ms. Pac Man.

If I wasn’t so humble, I might now allude to the fact that I am one of the greatest Ms. Pac Man players alive today. JPX can attest to this. (Hey JPX - remember the game I had at the movie theater that time? - I do.) I've experienced the wonders of passing through a ghost and living to tell the tale. I’ve oft achieved the perfect score of 14,600 on the first board. And I’ll be goddamned if I haven’t been to the level where the ghosts become immune to power pellets (level 16). Having no other mountain to climb, I decided that it’s time to share my Pac methods with the world so that perhaps one day I might face a formidable adversary.

[Pictured below: Johnny Sweatpants is content with 127,200 points for a Tuesday afternoon]


Lesson 1: Know Your Ghosts

The ghosts of Ms. Pac Man have distinct personalities that you must become familiar with if you’re ever going to reach your dream of making it to the yellow boards. Blinky is the red ghost. He wants nothing more than to see you dead and he will chase you to the end of the earth if he has to. Pinky, the pink ghost is the brains of the outfit. Do not let the color fool you. He is quick-witted and enjoys cutting you off at the pass. When Pinky and Blinky work together, they can be extremely dangerous. Pinky also despises Ms. Pac Man to the core and gets truly enraged if you’re able to eat all four ghosts with one power pellet. Sue, the orange ghost generally isn’t out to get you unless you travel through her corner (the bottom left). Then all bets are off. Fortunately you can always underestimate Inky, the blue ghost. Inky is a coward and a fool. At the risk of sounding blunt, I must warn you: death by Inky is utterly disgraceful.



Lesson 2: Know Your Fruit

The prize in level one is a cherry worth 100 points. To put this in perspective, a normal pellet is 10 points. Therefore a cherry on the board is nothing to get overly excited about. Bananas on the other hand, will disrupt all rational thought. A banana is worth 5,000 points (or 50 cherries). It is therefore imperative to grab that banana even if you must risk a Pac in the process. If you allow a banana to float off-screen it will bring great shame to yourself and family. Another enormous embarrassment to be aware of is losing a Pac while the banana is bouncing around. To “make it” as a Ms. Pac Man player, one must learn to choose his battles. The overly cautious player will never eat enough ghosts or fruit to obtain a respectable score. On the other hand, other players such as my friend Handsome Stan completely lose their cool whenever any fruit bounces around. His problem is that he doesn’t respect the true value of each Pac. Yes the fruit is delicious and it makes a great sound when consumed, but keep in mind that without Pacs, it’s ‘game over’ for you.

Lesson 3 – Patterns (this portion was contributed by Handsome Stan.)

If you're lucky enough to play repeatedly on one machine, you will notice recurring paths that the ghosts will take. You can eventually memorize your own path, enhancing your position relative to the ghosts at the proper time, to ensure maximum chompage, i.e. 1600 points. To do this, you must be aware of the Modes: the ghosts have two modes of pursuit: Attack, and Go To Your Corner. In Attack, they will swarm in the order previously described - Red and Pink have laid waste to countless victims with their patented "Red and Pink Sandwich" finishing maneuver. You can't be caught in an inescapable alley full of dots (like the top row in Levels 1 and 2) during Attack. Defeat is inevitable. Mr. Pac Man has shed many a tear. In Go To Your Corner, the ghosts will cease their organized pursuit and retreat to one of their assigned corners along predetermined paths. If you are Paccing near one of them, they will chase, but not in any organized way. This is the time to pursue your precious bouncing fruit, and eat as many stray dots as you can. Munching all four ghosts for 1600 points is damn near impossible during this time.

All machines are different, so you must remain as monogamous as possible to know how to reach higher and higher levels of passion, er, that is, points. There is nothing symbolic whatsoever in this discussion of predetermined paths, evil forces gathering periodically, eating cherries on the first level, and monogamy as a way towards higher levels of existence. Nothing whatsoever.

[Below: Johnny Sweatpants finds that by using the dance pad to play "I feel as close as I ever will to eating a real ghost."]

Lesson 4: Have Fun

Back before the pause button was invented, the “rest periods” were an important time for the player to mentally prepare himself for the next round as well as rejoice in his accomplishments. These rest periods also served to flesh out the characters. In Act 1, we learn how Ms. Pac Man and Pac Man meet. It as actually quite an amusing story. You see, they were both on the run from ghosts when they accidentally bumped into each other. On a personal note, Lauren and I met under similar circumstances.

I now ask you all to join me in the world of the pink mazes. Whether it’s a smelly machine with a sticky joy stick at your local dive bar, one of those super-cool table Pac machines you’d find at the hipper establishments or even on a game console in the privacy of your own home, I hope that you accept my challenge to discover the many mysteries Ms. Pac Man still offers today.