(1998) *1/2And the long trudge to my Kari Wuhrer film festival continues. I've got some of Prophecy and Hellraiser titles to bore through on the way, pun freaking intented. If you click here you can read my review of the first The Prophecy during Horrorthon 2005. I was even trying to get the Kari thing going then. I'm coming Kari!
What is it with this franchise? It should be so cool. Christopher Walken as an evil archangel Gabriel? You'd think that couldn't go wrong, but wrong it goes. Gabriel's back to keep the civil war in Heaven going, because he and his minions wanna be God's favorites again. Jennifer Beals plays the woman who is destined to (yaaaawwn... oh, shucks, sorry) give birth to an angel-human hybrid that's going to make everything better somehow.
What sucks about these movies is that they aim so low. Gabriel struts around town doing that scary thug thing that Walken can do while brushing his teeth, but he's reduced to driving around in cars and investigating drycleaning tickets. His archangel powers consist of making people fall asleep and perching on things. As a matter of fact, both sides of the angel war seem to know foolishly little about contemporary society -- they set off burglar alarms, can't use computers or radios, etc. It's like watching a war between two opposed camps of doddering old men. There's nothing special about their fights, save for a handful of wire stunts and seeing their wings unfurl but only as shadows on buildings. Cheap!
This film lies in that unfortunate limbo of badness for which there is no redemption. If it had horrible, Slithis-level acting it'd be lots more fun, but it's just slick enough to make it hard for your mind to focus. If the first movie was comparable to orange circus peanuts (which suck, and you're smelly if you like them), this is like a big peanut-butter-and-bland sandwich. Or as I like to call it, a blandwich.
6 comments:
I could go for a blandwich right about now.
I watched these a few years back and barely remembered them. It all came flooding back to me in this review - these movies are boring as hell!
Ten points for "blandwich."
I can't figure out why these convoluted, perfervid "Obscure clauses from the Bible are being activated RIGHT NOW" stories keep getting made, since they all seem to be so bad. "Suddenly, right now, it's time for THE DEVIL to do something because it 'was written'" etc. etc. etc.
i think, jordan, it has less to do with critical events having taken place, but rather a critical pace having been reached. perhaps its not a hellish act we've committed, but rather the rate at which we're all headed towards damnation that's causing satan to lick his chops.
Yeah, you're right. But that's (usually) just as dumb. Soon I'll be reviewing The Devil's Advocate and I'll get into that topic more.
mmmmm, blandwich.
""Suddenly, right now, it's time for THE DEVIL to do something because it 'was written'" etc. etc. etc."
That totally cracked me up, because it perfectly expresses how I feel about this kind of movie. But I love it, just love it, when they get it right. However much damaging crap religion does every day all over the world for bezillions of years, it does make for good storytelling. That's why it's so popular.
But for every Omen there's Bless the Child, End of Days, Prince of Darkness...and those are just the ones I thought up off the top of my head.
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