One of you techno-geniuses should feel free to help out with some better Gretchen pictures.Deadline is Friday midnight in your own time zone. I'll decide on a winner Saturday. Enjoy.
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You think you’re so funny, plugging my name into your haikus and short stories for a laugh, spreading my image all over the internet? Well, I’m a real person. You should at least know who you’re making fun of. If you knew my background, maybe you’d have some compassion for me and leave me off your damn blog. Then again, maybe not.
This is my story, in a nutshell.
I was born…
10 comments:
Pure Genius AC, can't wait to read some of the stories that develop here.
Ooooh! Great idear AC. Not sure which way to go with this one.
I've always been sort of freaked out by this woman. (Gretchen, not AC)
I can't wait to see where this goes. Excellent idea, and I love the "testimonial" approach!
I was born...
...on a planet far from this world. However, my race has harnessed the ability to traverse through dimensions. Light years melt away as an obstacle when you can subtly shift your entire being into another universe, at any time or place. We exist fourth-dimensionally, that is, we are no longer bound by the constraints of time. We see all existence as a whole, from start to finish, much like one might look at a mountain range in the distance. You, as humans, are much like hikers on a trail on those mountains, only seeing the trail immediately in front of and behind you. I am here to either save you from yourselves, or destroy you.
It is also in my race's ability to assume a pleasing shape to the native species we interact with. It is obvious that you have welcomed my physical form, as I am able to monitor my repeated appearances on your computers. Surely, you would not be doing this if my appearance was repulsive to you. My image will appear with increasing frequency as the clock ticks down; you will post it without any conscious knowledge of why you are doing it.
I first encountered the Wincze Family about 25 years of Earth-time in your past. The two male children I immediately recognized as being pivotal to the future of the human race. It was only through the contrived performance of a "video-game counselor" that I was able to observe and interact with these two Chosen Ones closely.
As I have foreseen, both Wincze males have become adults that are both influential and persuasive. It is already a foregone conclusion (in your future, that is) that the men and women drawn to these two by the blogsite "Horrorthon" will become instrumental in the salvation of the human race.
Because it is not in your nature to know the future, I can only provide you with vague statements about your destiny. You will ultimately have to make the final choice. If you choose wisely, then the being you have come to call "Gretchen" will welcome you to an unprecedented new level of human existence. Should you choose poorly, it will be my sad duty to enslave and then slaughter the human race.
Choose wisely, Horrorthon! The countdown has already begun...
I was born in Podunk Indiana, it’s a little town just outside of Bargersville. Our town has a standing population of 123. People tend to shy away from us do to the ghost. There's a bridge here that you drive onto, stop, turn off your headlights & radio, and don't talk you can see a baby crawl across the road. You can also hear it crying or laughing sometimes. It’s never been reported to harm anyone, but it sure seems to spook the hell out of the folks who come here. My Mother raised me practically on her own. My Dad didn’t exactly leave but he kinda had a few other homes. Dad was a popular guy in Podunk, the ladies said he was the most handsome man they ever laid eyes on. Mom used to say I get my good looks from his side of the family, at least I know that’s where I got my hair. As a matter of fact, most of the young people in town have hair just like mine. That’s why I just don’t get why you people are so obsessed with my picture. I mean honestly, what the hell is so special about me. Don’t you people have anything better to do then to write silly haiku, watch horror films and worship me? Now I don’t mean to sound ungrateful here, I really do appreciate you posting me as your representative hottie. Now since I’m one of the more popular girls here in Podunk I don’t find it a complete stretch that you all find me attractive. The thing is, sometimes I swear I can trace a hint of sarcasm in your adoration. But I know this must be my imagination playing with me.
So anyhoo, I finally decided to step forward cause I had a few questions that have really been on my mind.
First of all, how the heck did you guys know my name? I mean it’s the weirdest thing seeing your name and picture being repeatedly posted by strangers. Secondly, why horror? I would much rather be connected to a site that was dedicated to romantic comedies. Just throwing this out there but, how about changing the format to Loveathon and watching all the romance you can handle throughout February? Think about it, k. Last of all, I really want to thank this AC person who finally had the guts to ask for my story. It’s about time! I don’t know who this Harbinger is but he should know that I really don’t appreciate him saying that I came from another planet. For the record, that has NEVER BEEN CONFIRMED!! Well, thanks for all the love guys, I’ll be watching!
Hugs,
Gretchen
P.S.
Tell me more about this Johnny Sweatpants guy, he seems post the most pics of me. He sounds like he’s really cute. Email me sometime Johnny: gretchen@indiana.usa.com
This is my stawy, in a nutshell.
I was bawn Gretchen, no last name - just Gretchen. I grew up in Wahwick then move to Cranston faw a few yeahs, and now I'm back in Wahwick. I enjoy tawking, Stah Trek, lawndry and television. Specially reality television - how do they come up with this stuff? I was watching Dancing With the Stahs the other day and I was awl "This show is awesome!"
I have two bruthas anna sistah. Theah awl awesome.
Lessee, what else... I've worked at Pay-Less Shoes futha last 20 yeahs and I've been the manadga fuh the last faw. Fuh me it's like a dream come true becawz I love both shoes AND bahgins so with my 30% manadga discount I can affawd awl the shoes I'll eva need.
I guess that's pretty much it. Oh, I've gained like 70 pounds and my afro is no longa as elegant and full bodied as it once was but the fundamentals ah still theah. I have two children - Rodga and L'il Gretchen. Theah both awesome.
Now if you'll excuse me, the dishwasha's buzzin' and L'il Gretch is screamin' about dinnah aw somethin'. Thanks fuh listening!
Gretchen
Seven minutes to go!
I was born...
... in a crossfire hurricane. The lightning flashed, I felt the current in my neckbolts. The windmill exploded, a column of flour visible for miles in the night sky.
At school I exhibited fine motor control of my retractable steel tentacles, flexible varieties of social failure and a flair for math. I hung from the ceiling for my oral reports but they still sucked.
My car is a glass ball that I walk around in, not walk but run, so the world is a fluid green waterfall past my face, my radio zips by at up to 180 rpm, and I can change the dial without looking.
I can punch a hole through your heart the size of your head, and a hole through a brick wall the size of the comedian standing on the other side.
I can watch two different movies at once, one with each eye, and a third one backwards with my foot eye. I will win your Horrorthon and you will never even notice.
I am the dandelion see wafting behind your head that turns into a spiked chrome ball, with drill. You bitches are snitches, and I'm wafting your way.
Gretchen Retchen Queen of Slime. That's what they called my girlfriend.
See-DAH. Dandelion seed. Behind your head.
what literary riches! thanks everyone for participating.
i'm gonna take my time with the decision, though i will post today as promised. each ending has its own special beauty, much like gretchen herself, so it will be really tough.
Well put AC. I don't envy you. Picking a FIF winner is not nearly as much fun as I thought it was going to be. I was in serious agony.,
Yeah, there is some excellent shit on there! Aside from Harbinger, I'm not certain about the other authors and can't wait to find out.
Harbinger - "My image will appear with increasing frequency as the clock ticks down; you will post it without any conscious knowledge of why you are doing it." = fucking brilliant.
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