Jason and Kara Grey moved slowly, hand in hand, through the tiny house. It was located on a quiet street just outside town center in historic Lexington, Massachusetts. Well over two hundred years old, it was a “fixer-upper,” though it did boast a small grass yard in front and a secluded garden in back. The rear garden was enclosed by a low, crumbling stone wall separating the property from reservation land protected from further development. The couple talked quietly about the pros and cons of the little house while the realtor waited patiently on the postage-stamp-sized front lawn, holding a briefcase and talking on her cell phone.Jason said, “I like it, but we’re going to have to sink at least another $40,000 into repairs before it would be liveable, and the asking price is at the top of our range as it is.”
Kara responded, “I know, but Jason, I really love it. A home in Lexington? I never thought we could afford to be in this community. The schools are great…” she pleaded.
Jason grimaced. “OK, let’s see if we can make this work. We can at least tell the realtor we’re interested in making a bid.”
The realtor brightened on hearing this news, but then her face became sober again. “There’s something else about the history of this house I think you ought to know,” she said reluctantly.
Jason smiled. “That sounds intriguing; what is it?”
13 comments:
Sex, sex, sex. That's all you ever talk about.
that's true, johnny, but i'm hoping people will take this in different directions (romance, bromance, sci fi, horror, mystery, historical fiction, comedy, drama, etc.) and not just go with the obvious erotic themes.
Wasn't this a Verizon commercial? Dead Zones and so forth?
I'm going to try to actually participate this week. I couldn't spare any time to jump in on the fork, however, it is a story I've already told through the medium of videotape. I should throw it up on Youtube for everybody. A classic. But all those entries were hilarious.
I was particularly impressed with the name choices this past week. "Art" was just hilarious, but the Bart Simpson "Mabel" reference really got me. And I find it an honorable inspiration that I can be confused with AC in writing style.
And I'm sorry I'm currently missing the East Coast Horrorthon Salmon Dinner Festival.
I got nothin'. Not a damn shred of an idea for this one...
thanks stan! i look forward to reading your entry.
johnny, by all means skip this week if you remain uninspired. you deserve a vacation from writing after your plethora of recent wins. or maybe you're just trying to throw me off the track?
hey, who was rex last week?
AC can we extend this deadline through the weekend?
fine by me.
new deadline sunday midnight?
Thanks for the extension AC! You shan't regret it!
you are welcome, catfreeek and penis.
The realtor looked at the two potential buyers and whispered, very soberly, "the house is alive..."
A minute long awkward silence ensued. Jason nodded towards Kara as if to say "Clearly she's a complete idiot and we mustn't pass up this opportunity". Kara in turn looked at the realtor with eyes that read "Please assure me that you're kidding." The realtor made no eye contact. Instead she recited the same thing she had a dozen times before. "I know you think I'm crazy but this is the real deal and I must share the truth".
"Alive?", Jason repeated. He smiled and winked at Kara. "Please explain."
Shannon Morgan had been through this before. All too often in fact. Inside the closet next to the downstairs bathroom was a mouth with sharp, monstrous teeth and a tongue that could snap a human spine in seconds. It immediately and very violently devoured anyone who dared open the door. The past thirteen owners weren't able to fight their curiosity and skepticism and learned the hard way. Shannon described each incidence in graphic detail. Ms. Epstein, the most recent victim, lived there for four years before succumbing to temptation. Her bones and limbs were spat out of the chimney only two months earlier. The only witness was a thoroughly traumatized Jehovah's Witness who was found shivering in the driveway, covered in blood and intestines. Because of the unusual and terrifying circumstances, the authorities refused to get involved.
"W-would you mind if we had a moment alone to discuss this?" asked Kara after suppressing the urge to vomit.
"Of course."
Jason and Kara purchased the house and lived there for the next fifty six years. They raised two lovely children and hosted countless dinner parties over the years. They hung a sign on the door that read "Don't Open Ever" and no one ever did.
The realtor looked down at the ground and shuffled her feet, "Well, it's sort of infested."
"What!" Jason barked angrily, "Termites? Mice? How the hell could you show us an infested house!"
The realtor shook her head, "No, no. It's nothing like that. Look, my boss would fire me if he knew I was telling you this but I just can't sell this house in good conscience to yet another innocent couple. I have to warn you. How do I say this? It's...um......well, it's infested with gnomes."
Kara and Jason just stared at her blinking in astounded silence. Then they looked at each other and began roaring with laughter. Jason snorted, "Who would have thought, a realtor with a sense of humor."
She waited until their laughter ran out then spoke again with quiet sterness, "I wish I was kidding, but the fact is the gnomes are there to stay. We just can't get rid of the pesky buggers. We've tried mouse traps, rat poison, the last owner went through 3 cats. We even went so far as cementing them in their living space. No luck, they're just too smart. The traps and poison were a joke, I don't even want to tell you how they killed all 3 of those poor cats. We thought for sure the cement was going to do the trick, almost 3 weeks went by without even a shred of evident gnome activity. Then last Wednesday I went to show the house and right there in the foyer was pile of broken cement rocks with a big stinking gnome turd sitting right on top. Disgusting little creatures, they're just impossible to destroy."
"You mean you're totally serious?" Kara asked with disbelief.
"Totally." said the realtor, "I can show you if you like. Just be really careful where you step, the last realtor stepped on one of those pointy hats and it punchered his foot. Went right through the shoe and all, apparently their hats are made out of steel or something like that."
Kara and Jason looked at each other and shrugged as if to say, 'why not?' Jason extended an arm toward the house inviting the realtor to lead the way. He still didn't believe a word of it but he wanted to know what kind of game this crazy realtor was playing with them. Maybe she wanted the house for herself. As they followed her through the door she prattled on about the terrible things the gnomes have done. A crash course in gnome behavior if you will. So, gnomes steal food, kill pets, shit on beds, piss in your milk, erase your phone messages and leave the toilet seat up among other things. That didn't sound all that bad, it actually sounded a lot like living with children.
The realtor led them into the basement, down a small set of stairs into the old root cellar. Jason helped her pull an table away from the wall revealing a tiny door. She looked at them and waited for the nod that they were ready. She squatted down and opened the door. A little grey bearded man in a pointy hat emerged looking angry. In a voice that Kara would later recall as sounding like Alvin and the Chipmunks the wee man shouted at them, "What the fuck do you want?" He stood there hands on his hips, tapping his little foot impatiently, looking them over as he waited for an answer."Well?" He looked at the realtor and asked, "Who the hell are these two idiots? They look like they have a combined IQ of 6." Then he turned and spoke sarcastically to the stunned couple, "Look at the cute little man, can we keep him? Aaawww! Well fuck you! This is our house and we're not leaving so there!" Then he did the strangest thing, he stuck his tongue out, blew a raspberry then stomped back into his home. He then turned and gave them the finger before slamming the door.
The trio went back up the basement stairs and exited the house without speaking a word. The realtor shook hands with the couple and told them she'd be in touch, they silently nodded then got into their car and drove off. Later that evening Kara and Jason discussed the incident and mutually decided that they wanted the house. They just knew that the other people that had lived there just didn't appreciate the gnomes the way they would. They went to bed that evening and slept fast with pleasant dreams of living harmoniously with their little friends.
After the couple drove off, the realtor crept back into the house and down to the basement. She bent down and knocked on the little door. The grey bearded gnome emerged and she smiled. "Think we got them?" asked the little man.
"Oh we got them alright." she smirked. "They'll be calling me in the morning and agreeing to pay full price as well I suspect. I'll have your cut as soon as we're through with the closing."
The gnome smiled back at her, "Good deal." he said. "Now lets see if I can set a new record for getting them out"
At that last quip, the woman and the gnome broke into a fit of laughter relishing in their own evil brilliance.
The realtor avoid Jason's gaze, looking down at her feet. She knew she'd recall this moment later in the day, and wonder if she should've just dropped the whole thing. She saw a glint of gold out of the corner of her eye. It was her own nametag, and she read it upside down. "Grace," and in smaller type "Liscensed Agent."
She sighed and looked up, and said "it's better if I show you."
Jason and Kara followed her out the back door and into the cool, emerald calm of the garden. Jason admired the screen door; it had some peeling paint and it didn't quite fit the frame, but it was sturdy wood with screen intact. It wasn't perfect, but it had character and reliability. He knew he would find a way to disregard whatever it was Grace was about to tell them.
The Greys had not yet ventured into the yard, and it was looking better than they thought with every step. It was small and overgrown, but not in a forbidding way. Where they could see beyond the stone wall, there were no neighbors or buildings. Just woods and the sound of a nearby creek. Kara gave Jason's hand a little squeeze.
In the middle of the yard there was a dry fountain, the round pool that had once held water now held a thick grove of ferns and magnolias. The fountain's centerpiece was a carved stone pedestal that held a large uncut stone. In the tree-dappled sun it looked like rich, dark jade, but on further inspection was nearly completely covered in moss.
About eight feet away from the fountain's edge, Grace stopped and held up her hand. "You'll note the circle of stones, here," she said, "they go all around the fountain." Kara noticed a barely visible symbol on the stone near her foot, but the circle of stones was more like a circle of moss.
Quite deliberately, Grace stooped down and picked up a large rock. She then said "okaaaaaay" under her breath, looked at her watch, and stepped over the circle. The Greys looked at her a trifle bewildered, Grace's shoulders were taut and trembling slightly.
Holding hands, they stepped over the circle.
Immediatly the quiet, chirping New England summer around them was torn away, replaced by a roaring, swirling night sky. Roiling purple storm clouds careened around them on all sides. Jason and Kara turned to go back to the house but it was gone, nothing existed except the fountain and its border of stones. In horror they looked down and saw the sky beneath them; they were trapped on a disc of stone floating alone in a wild swirling sky.
They terrified Greys dropped to the ground instinctively and shuffled to the edge of the fountain. The ferns and marigolds had been replaced by a pile of damp black foliage that seemed to turn and writhe in the weird light. As Kara watched, petrified, a trio of black buds rose from the mass, each the size of a walnut. One by one they opened, revealing needle sharp teeth. Even in the din she could hear them hissing as they moved towards her.
With a satisfying crunch, the terrible mouths suddenly disappeared beneath Grace's large rock. She reached down to hold both their hands. "STAND UP!" she yelled against the roar, "IT'S ALMOST TIME!"
The centerpiece stone began to blow a baleful green, helping the trembling Greys regain their feet. Suddenly a thunderclap split the sky, a the sharp fork of lightning appeared far above them. "HERE WE GO!" said Grace. Jason looked up and realized the lightning was coming down to them.
Okay, that's how far I got by the official deadline. You can tell I didn't proofread what I just wrote, but whatever. Here's the rest, and you can decide how to judge what.
The bright bolts sizzled towards them with terrifying speed, yet there was something strange. "It's lightning," Jason thought, "why isn't it here yet?" With sickening realization he understood that his idea of scale did not apply here, that the lightening could be coming from a million miles away. He looked at his wife, her face a mask of raw terror to mirror his own. They were so small, they were nothing, and all the fury in the world was coming straight at them.
The air around them began to crackle and shimmer. Lights flashed all around them. Squinting, Kara thought she saw the outline of a tree...
and Grace pulled them all off the edge--
Birds chirped in the distance. A slight breeze rustled the trees, lending the shadows a gentle motion. From out front, the sound of children calling to each other was accompanied by the cheerful ringing of two bicycle bells.
Jason and Kara sat on the ground, blinking. They were both covered with thick green jelly. Grace stood over them, dripping on the flagstones. "Getting there and back is all about timing," she was saying, "there's a very good schedule posted on the fridge."
Jason and Kara looked at each other.
"Oh," said Grace, "there's some other stuff."
Wordlessly standing in the kitchen, still dripping with goo, the Greys watched Grace open the pantry door. The top three shelves were clean and inviting, the single occupant being a bottle of olive oil left by the previous owners. The big shelf on the bottom held only shadows, at least for a moment. With a loud splap! a mass of what looked like charred human flesh hit the tiled floor. It was burned flesh, but it undulated and shifted, new features forming on its surface every few seconds. As it spread across the floor, Jason saw a row of six eyes suddenly emerge, opening all at once and looking around wildly. A black, bloody arm suddenly rose into sight, topped by an elongated, three-finger hand. It twitched and fell to the floor as dead, then a large mouth formed at its base and started to suck the it in.
"It goes back in when you shut the door," Grace was saying, "look, it's like watching a film go backwards."
In the guest bedroom, Grace removed the grate from the heating vent and motioned for Jason to kneel down beside her. There, hanging in the dark, was what looked like a pale, giant, lumpy grapefruit. On either side of it hung down... Jason saw a flutter in the surface of the grapefruit and suddenly realized what he was looking at. It was a head, the head of something the looked like Nosferatu from the old movie, presumably hanging upside down in this vent. The movement he had seen had been the slight pulse beating in sickly grey veins, the weird things flanking the head were its ears, large and bat-like. Grace was snapping her fingers near its face, showing that it wouldn't wake up. He noticed that its eyes were faceted, like a bug's.
Kara didn't see what was in the bedroom. She was distracted by the sight of the green jelly rising off of her husband's shoulders. As it floated upwards it faded from sight.
The three of them stood halfway up the basement stairs, watching a river of silver mist flow beneath them. A spectral cavalry was appearing out of one wall and galloping across the room to disappear in the opposite wall. The riders, just skeletons in tatters, whipped their skeletal mounts and brandished tarnished swords, their battle cries reduced to a chorus of angry whispers.
Grace opened the ceiling hatch to the attic and a cleverly designed ladder unfolding from the hatch's other side. None would be using it, as the entirety of the square opening in the ceiling was filled with a huge, bloodshot eye, its yellow-ringed pupil regarding each of them in turn.
Jason and Kara had a long talk in the car, and in the end decided to play hardball. They offered their asking price, minus the money they'd need for repairs, and an extra ten thousand. Grace looked at her nametag again and said she'd have to talk to her boss.
It was the best housewarming party ever.
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