Friday, January 29, 2010

HHD Champion:

I know, I know - Again. After I joked about doing it last time. First Ever Back-To-Back Victories. I agonized over doing it, because there seemed to be an unspoken rule against it. But dammit, I had to do it. Her stuff this week was inspired, dramatic, hilarious and also somewhat disturbing. She really painted a breathtaking picture of her high school experience. Suspensions, molestations, a jaw-dropping collection of teachers ("stiff" gym teacher, bestial art teacher, and that's just scratching the surface...). Overall, I was incredibly impressed. A+++.

Here's the crown jewel, the one with everything: humor, imagery, poetry, implication, and that ineffable ability to have 17 syllables tell an entire story:

She picked out her pet
Handsome dear, get me coffee
All the boys ran…ran

(It's the repetition of "ran" at the end that really says so much more about what's going on. I assume it referred to the music teacher from the prior haiku, and I love how it implies so much about what the boys would do. It reminds me of the Far Side cartoon with the deer hunter hiding behind the tree near the deer outhouse: "Hank knew the spot well; he only had to wait. The deer would come, the deer would come."

Class was sparsely attended, (I second-guessed the topic to death) but those in class had some genius stuff that made it a very enjoyable day, and a difficult choice. Witness:

Because of Jimmy
I had braces for 3 years
I hope he's dead now

(My early favorite to take it all. Hysterical.)

AC -
in 11th grade
listened to "the wall" nightly
retained THOSE lessons

(Mmmm hmmmm. Hear where you're comin' from.)

Seventh grade crisis
Tim Jones stole my ham sandwich
I will get revenge

(The amount of material this one petty act has generated is staggering. Tim Jones And The Sandwich could be a weekly topic.)

Mr. MacGregor
Once stood on a chair for height
Just to yell at me

(GREAT image. Especially the thought of him going to get the chair, moving it into position, while you wait and watch. Priceless.)


It's hard to look tough
After ten minutes on ground
Clutching and mewling

(When you really think about it, it's very true.)

Landshark: (always good to see you)

Hairy sweaty arm
Holding my cherished delights
Come to me gagger

Harley Davidson
Intimidating machine
Get out of my way

(I know these weren't strictly "for" this week's topic, but nevertheless I almost made them the winners. I could NOT stop from hearing Mr. Baker actually doing a reading of both of them. The first one in particular, the last line - MR BAKER: "...come to me...(pause, look up at class, take glasses off)...gagger." I did a video in high school centered around Mr. Baker (played with hypnotic accuracy by one Seth Milman.) Both of these are GREAT haikus, but the Baker element makes them truly, truly special.)

JSP, see me after class.

Well done, everyone! Sorry for the late, sparse post but work has been monstrous this week.

Congratulations again, Whirly! Horrorthon's first Back-To-Back Champion!


Octopunk said...

Uh, actually Stan, you are the first back-to-back champion. But whatever.

Congrats Whirly! I must admit your pantheon of teacher weirdness really had me stunned. At first I thought it would inspire me to leap again into the breach but then I realized I had no such taudry material. High school was kind of normal.

Oh, and Cat... nice one about Mr. Czerwinski. His breakdown was the stuff of legend and rumor when we had him for math, and his classes were still the peak of chaos. Poor bastard.

HandsomeStan said...

When did I win back to back? I know I thought I had it one week, but narrowly missed.

I was drunk at the time.

HandsomeStan said...

Strangely enough, JPX's "Jimmy" works SO much better against a black background in white type.

Just bitter, angry and wonderful.

Octopunk said...

Dude, you won the one before Horrorthon and then you won last week. 2010's 'kumasters so far are Stan, Whirly, Stan, Whirly.

StanWhirly StanWhirly StanWhirlyStanWhirly StuwhirlyStwirly!

Catfreeek said...


Congrats Whirly, that was some school you went to.

Mr. Czerwinski (Czerwhiskey)'s final week he came in drunk and told us dirty jokes. We had filled his filing cabinet with orange juice, lit his door on fire and tortured him with numerous cans of deodorant & bars of soap. He really smelled.

More amazingly, I was stunned to discover that JPX actually was in class with Tony's crazy ex wife. Of all the names in his first grade class he chose to Haiku her. Unbelievable!

...and JPX, was that Jimmy Johannis?

AC said...

great job, whirly! i'm glad you've finally embraced your inner haiku goddess.

DCD said...

I'm sorry I've been absent these past two weeks! SO much funny, funny stuff. I'm still cracking up over JSP haiku-ing about Tim. Hilarious.

Congrats Whirly!

HandsomeStan said...

I wouldn't exactly call October 2009 to January 2010 "back-to-back," but I suppose it's technically true.

The Year Of The Swirly. Game on, suckaz!

Whirlygirl said...

"The year of the Swirly." I like that!

Whoa! I can't believe I won again. Thanks, Stan! You chose an excellent topic. It actually gave me an idea for a screenplay.

Stan, if I choose you as the winner next week, then people are really really going to talk. In fairness to the others, you might have to skip next week.

Now for next weeks topic...

JPX said...

Congrats, Whirly! I had a feeling that you were going to take it again given the craziness of your academic experiences.

Catfreeek, it wounds like you guys did things in the classroom that would never be tolerated today, well done! The Barbara August memory really sticks in my mind. It was the first day of school and she vomited all over her desk. When Mrs. Fairfield asked her what she had for breakfast Barbara said, "Coffee and potato chips". Even my first grade brain knew that was some fucked up parenting.

Yes, Jimmy Johannis was the shithead who lived down the street and bullied me. At third grade recess he walked up to me and punched me in the face. My front tooth eventually turned gray from his death punch. Fortunately it was a baby tooth but when my regular teeth started to come in they were all screwed up. Given that nobody in my family has had to have braces my conclusion is that Jimmy cost me 3 years of braces.

Catfreeek said...

Well I feel partially responsible for Jimmy's demeanor however you should take some comfort in knowing that me and his sister Becky tortured him daily so it was not without reason that he should turn out to be such a bad seed. He took his medicine for a long time before he started dishing it out.

As for Barbara and her fucked up parenting unfortunately she has inherited much of it. Tony could tell you stories that would make your toes curl.

Stan if you sit out next week you're an ass. One of us will take you out, bring it on!

HandsomeStan said...

Oh, it's already been brought-ed!

I'll be prepping next week instead of shooting, which means lots of quality sitting plus computer time.

I'll try to suck as much as possible next week. Well, maybe not try, but I'll try to try.

This topic brought out some really twisted, gnarled roots in the Horrorthon Family Tree. Everyone's so...interconnected. Amazing!

("coffee and potato chips" - I almost spit my drink on my computer when I read that. Side-splitting.)

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Congrats Whirly! Another well deserved win. All of your haikus raised a bazillion followup questions.