Thursday, January 14, 2010

HHDCrap Job Results!

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I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised at how many haikus dealt specifically with bodily excretions and the removal/cleanup thereof. And I’m having another crap day - sorry I don’t have the time to do the usual drawn-out, picture-heavy wrapup, but here were my personal faves:

Cat:
Hands down, my worst job
working in a nursing home
sea of death and shit

(I just love the last line. Love it.)

AC:
daycare wasn't great
shit, piss, vomit, germs galore
for minimum wage
(continuing in the Bodily Excrement Theme, this one takes the Most Graphic prize, even though Cat gave that area a serious run…)

JPX:
"Go rake the sand traps"
My boss didn't respect me
I had the last laugh

(But how? HOW? Totally hanging here…did you pee in the sand trap? Not rake it? What?)

JSP:
Bathroom attendant
Smells poop then hands out towel
Where's the dignity?

(So true. I also loved “A smell unholy,” which could easily have been written as “An unholy smell,” but is so much more brilliant the first way…)

Octo:
The luggage warehouse
Hand caught in conveyor belt
Really scarred for life

(this inspired a few other funny ‘kus, but it also reminded me of that Far Side cartoon of Einstein playing basketball – “an ankle injury diverted him into a life of science.”)

Mr. AC:
Post-two-thousand-twelve
Mayan Calendar Maker
Not much future there
(totally hilarious, and I wanted MORE from the Mister :)

THE WINNER:

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Whirlygirl’s quintet of Boss John haikus were amazing. Each one could stand alone, but together, they equal a sum greater than the parts. Much like the Star Wars movies do not do. The Empire Strikes Back of the bunch, also coincidentally the second:

Scared to lift the seat
Might find an unpleasant treat
Boss was in the john

Just sums up everything about “Crap Jobs” that you could possibly imagine. Plus it's got rhythm, it's got rhyme; it almost sounds like something you'd sing at summer camp. I’m awarding Whirlygirl the prize in the hope against hope that she doesn’t have to abdicate the throne again, and that her computer doesn’t crap out on her. I’ve now gone two whole phrases saying “throne” and “crap” without referencing Boss John. That was pretty hard to do.

Congratulations, Whirly! I hope your computer works next week!

18 comments:

Catfreeek said...

Congrats Whirly you had me laughing like a fool all by myself in front of my laptop.

Good stuff all around and nice topic Stan, I missed HHD :D

JPX said...

I remember when Whirly worked at this dreadful job a few years ago. Her boss was a narcissist and she was his only employee. she used to complain to me all the time about his daily bowel movement. I'll never understand why people don't just go at home. Who says, "I'll take a shit when I get to work"? Nice work, Whirly!

AC said...

is it ironic
too busy to haiku much
congrats whirlygirl!

Whirlygirl said...

Thank you, Stan! I'm so honored! And thanks for finally giving me a purpose for working at that crap job. As JPX mentioned, I was the only employee and the man was a narcissist. Our days consisted of either him crapping or us arguing (usually both). He worked upstairs while I was downstairs just a stone throw away from the bathroom. Every time he went to use the toilet, I was scared. I was worried he'd get a phone call and I'd have to knock on the door and tell him. I was concerned about the stench that would seep out. Each time I heard the spray of the can, I cringed. He'd open the door and a rancid smell that he tried to cover up with cheap potpourri flooded the room. He'd go upstairs leaving me to drown in it. Finally, I was scared about finding an unpleasant treat when I lifted the seat. It was bad enough that I had to smell and hear him, but I certainly didn’t want to see what came out of him. Luckily, I finally managed to sneak away from the job while he was on a business trip in China.

BTW, I love that McDonalds pic of you. You look like a proud McDonalds worker. I worked there for two weeks when I was 15. I had to leave when my daydreams of murdering one of the terrible managers began to flood my thoughts way too frequently. I made just enough money to pay for my tattoo and a concert. Every time I look at my tat I'm reminded of the humiliation and grease I endured for it.

HandsomeStan said...

How...visceral. But it's clear now why you had that job, from a universe/karma standpoint. It was so that you could triumph on Haiku Hump Day!

What was the tat? The Golden Arches?

Whirlygirl said...

Sadly, it's not. Though, I suppose it's never too late to get one. I think that always stays in style.

Octopunk said...

Yay Whirlygirl! Nice start to the year. I had a feeling that fivesome of haikus was going to take it.

My personal fave moment of the day was "Balrog's assistant." Because that's ridiculous.

Whirlygirl said...

Halloween is over and I need to change my avatar. Any suggestions. I'm drawing blanks today.

I thought about Threes Company for a moment, and while I was looking a website caught my eye. I clicked on it, and the theme song to the show started blaring in the quiet library. I had forgotten that I turned my speakers up high to listen to my voice messages. I don't think anyone heard, but I'm still slightly embarrassed.

Octopunk said...

While the hand-scarring American Tourister job was definitely my worst ever, honorable mention goes to the couple of weeks I was a telemarketer for Olan Mills portrait studio. I can't remember the name of the mall but it was in East Providence and it was the worst mall ever. (I keep thinking "Midland Mall" but that's the former name of the Rhode Island Mall, right? JPX help me out.)

Anyway, bad enough as it is to get a call from one of those assholes, it's a special kind of suck to be that asshole. One time, after letting the phone ring and ring, assuming nobody was home but trying to eat up the time as best I could, this decrepit "heh-h-ello?" sounded in my ear. Obviously the phone had rung so many times because this old lady was hobbling across the house on her walker.

I couldn't face the interaction to come, so I just hung up.

Whirlygirl said...

Hysterical! I didn't know that Olan Mills had telemarketers. The RI mall is the midland mall. In my younger days as a mall rat, my grandparents would often drive me there. My grandfather would say, "which mall, midland," and it took me a few times to realize he was talking about the RI mall.

HandsomeStan said...

"Come and knock on our doooooorrrrr..."

Whirly, both Valentine's Day and Black History Month are coming up, so you might derive some inspiration from that.

Thanks for the props, Octo. I made myself chuckle with that one. Picturing a beleaguered troll, sitting at a desk, and the Balrog turning to him with horrible fiery breath saying, "TAKE A MEMOOOOOO.."

But I'd rather be the Balrog's Assistant than a crank-calling telemarketer of senior citizens ANY day of the week :)

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Ok, first of all, before I forget. JPX -

"Go rake the sand traps"
My boss didn't respect me
I had the last laugh

That one should have won. The more you read it, the more mysterious it becomes.

Whirlygirl - "I was worried he'd get a phone call and I'd have to knock on the door and tell him." That is the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Whirlygirl you'd better not flake out next week.

Catfreeek said...

Octo it was the Wampanoag Mall, so funny btw. That poor old lady exerted herself for nothing.

Octopunk said...

Yes! That's the mall I'm talking about. Thanks Cat. I think it might have been okay when we were little kids, but by the time I was in high school it was beyond pathetic.

I had so many calls that were old people who answered after several rings, and I got so depressed hearing them say they weren't interested in whatever I was selling. Not because it was a lost sale (so what, you only got comissions after a certain number of sales a week and I never hit that number), but because I got the impression their phones didn't ring that often and it always ended in the same cynical way. With that one old lady I just couldn't take it. I hope the walk didn't kill her.

Octopunk said...

My favorite call was when I began my spiel and the woman cut me off when I said Olan Mills:

"Oh, sure, Olan Mills, I know that place. That's where you get your pictures back and you say you like this one and that one and they say no these are better and you get stuck with the pictures you didn't like."

Silence.

Not knowing what to say next, I went with:

"Uh, I'm not aware of that package, ma'am."

I only managed to stand that place for a couple of weeks and spent all the money I made going to the prom.

Catfreeek said...

That's fucking great Octo! I'm gonna use that one :)

Catfreeek said...

I think the Swansea Mall killed any shred respect that the Wampanoag Mall had left. When Swansea opened it was the coolest thing since sliced bread.