Friday, April 02, 2010

HHD: Results!

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy..

Who knew Horrorthon was replete with so many antisocial personalities! I had a feeling that this topic would uncover some nefarious behavior; I just had no idea that there would be so much of it. From lipsticks to arrestable offenses including grand larceny, you guys are the best! I know for a fact that some of you held back, *cough* *cough* Whirlygirl, Octo, and JSP. It was nearly impossible for me to choose a winner, it was all gold. Nearly impossible, but not impossible.

Whirlygirl learned the hard way to keep your trap shut,

Got a lunchbox yarn
Jerk boy steals my friend’s box
I tell, and he duels

Recess comes and goes
I’m safe…nope…fist in stomach
Result of ratting

Catfreeek met her husband over risky vandalism and rationalizes her thieving ways,

True love hooligans
Tony & I met as teens
stole door off cop car

Just like Robin Hood
Steal from rich, give to the poor
but I was the poor

JSP kills children,

Jimmy Fund remorse
Cancer research money used
To buy cigarettes

Julie is a good girl and in the guise of a haiku she manages to insult us all with this gem,

I wish I could be
Self centered, greedy, and bad.
It would be more fun.

DCD got greedy,

Curse of the teenage shoplifter. Did I really
need eighteen lipsticks?

50P makes a rare appearance with this hilarious memory about underage gambling,

high school laughlin trip
played *one nickel* in a slot
the hammer came down

"what are you doing
gambling in *my* casino?!"
sez officer 'stache

stunning power trip
all that insane posturing
for one damned nickel

Handsomestan was apparently a very bad boy and I love his “Karmic payback”

Hundreds of CDs
Swiped from Blockbuster Music
Knew where cameras were

Worked the register
Scanned nothing. Friends left with bags.
Scam For Ages II

The karmic payback
Two huge CD books stolen
Car window smashed

My favorite from Octo,

My heroes: you guys!
All these moral corners cut
What a bunch of sneaks

When we're all in Heck
You know the Horrorthon lounge
Will have the best stuff

By far the funniest revelation to come from this haiku topic is that apparently the majority of us encountered “That Ben Franklin Guy”!

Ben Franklin's was good
For a five finger discount
Great for Star Wars cards

The only challenge
Was to avoid the old man
A real mean bastard

That Ben Franklin dude
he hated us kids so much
he caught me stealing

That Ben Franklin's guy
Busted my thieving ass too
M.U.S.C.L.E. Man figures

That Ben Franklin's guy
He missed my first ever theft
Plain pink eraser

that ben franklin's guy
caused my first panic attack
(shoplifting lipgloss)

So who cares about all of this, what you really want to know is who won, right? I went back and forth but finally decided to award Whirlygirl the prize for this set of memories (I love the veiled atheist comment),

I'd like to believe that it looked something like this

Mug shots, finger prints
Underwear flew in the air
Tagged a shoplifter

No joke…underwear
Why go down for underpants?
Should have stole' a Porsche

Word spread like butter
Was nicknamed the panty thief
It stuck for years…years

Mom forced me to church
“Save her knickers stealing soul”
She bawled to no one

Congrats, Whirlygirl, I can’t wait to see what you have in store for us next week!


Catfreeek said...

Congrats Whirly, I knew you had it. Nothing could compete against the panty thief. Unless one of these guys fesses up to ripping off a jock strap or something.

Great, great topic JPX. Now if we were all Catholic we'd have just underwent confession by way of haiku and would have saved our sorry ass thieving souls.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Whirly I really think you need to change your Horrorthon name to Panty Thief. Like, seriously. Congratulations! You'd better come up with a good topic next week or else.

HandsomeStan said...

Totally concur with the choice; Panty Thief hit it over the Green Monster this week. Even if she doesn't change her Thon alias, that's how I'll refer to her from here on in. Ditto Super Delicious.

I also feel like a shithead for screwing up that one Ben Franklin 'ku. I, of course, remember the actual old bastard in the store in Barrington (I only bought Garbage Pail Kids there, never stole shit), but my foray into the ACTUAL Ben Franklin tanked. Sucks.

Can't wait for next week! I'm gunning for a tongue-wagging third award from Panty Thief! Watch out, motherfuckers!

Whirlygirl said...

Thank you, JPX! I knew a haiku about panties would definitely secure my win. I will do my best to come up with an interesting topic; though, it could be tricky considering there have already been so many awesome ones.

And, NO, NO, NO, I'm not changing my name to the "Panty Thief."

DCD said...

I think Super Delicious and the Panty Thief would make a great name for a band.

DCD said...

Forgot to add - Congrats Whirly!!

AC said...

well done whirlygirl!

may we call you "knicker thief" instead of "panty thief"?

Catfreeek said...

"I think Super Delicious and the Panty Thief would make a great name for a band."

Hahahaha!!! DCD that's awesome!!