Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Haiku Hump Day: FINISH HIM!!! (Fighting, Conflict, Violence, General Antagonization Of Each Other)


Since the dawn of made-up time, when Cain fought Abel, and since the dawn of real-life time, when caveman brother fought caveman brother for that last morsel of dingo kidney, mankind has settled disputes with force. Back in the day, it was club vs. bone. Today, it’s Predator drone vs. club. Either way, as a species, we’re always at each other’s throats.

“They thought I said ‘hell.’ I distinctly said, ‘Unleash shell’!”

Which is kind of the point this week. The ancient Romans may not have invented gladiatorial combat, but they did bring it into its modern form, and with that, its modern symbolism.

“We’ve got a great new Christian Disposal System we’ve just installed.”

And by symbolism, I mean that it is the SPECTACLE of violence that we gather to witness, so that we effectively release that primal need wired into each and every one of us through a viewing of virtual and/or real violence. I read all that somewhere; it was either MAD Magazine or the philosopher Roland Barthes. Oh, yeah - it was Barthes. (Definitely click on that. The first few paragraphs sound much smarter than me, and clarify what I’m getting at here…)

In our enlightened day and age, this “primal release” takes on many forms:


Viewing all of these things allow us to live more civilized lives.
We may say we want to kill our boss, but instead of actually carrying out the deed, all of our pent-up rage and hatred towards our boss is released when we see Stone Cold Steve Austin flip off HIS boss, Vince McMahon, and give him a patented Stone Cold Stunner through a table. Our violent demons are exorcised. I read all that somewhere; it was either Roland Barthes or WWE Magazine. Oh, yeah – it was WWE Magazine.


Romans may have felt, from time to time, like going on a Christian and/or prisoner killing rampage. Wrestling fans may have felt like going out to kill Russians, or gays, or gay Russians, or whoever was the heel that week.

"Mix well for maximum effect."

But the shared public spectacle of watching justice be served, so to speak, allowed those same Romans to settle down, return peaceably to the public baths, have crazy orgiastic public sex, then gorge and vomit all night. So there was that.

Anyway, Fight! Fight! Fight! It’s all about Fights this week, y’all. Combat, it’s forms throughout history, and our modern interpretations that we have today. And also, you can describe how you felt like killing that shithead Steve Anneese after he clotheslined you from behind in the hallway after lunch because he was pissed that you took his seat in the lunchroom that day (applies to HandsomeStan only – JSP, you were there). God, I wanted to kill that fucker. Good thing Demolition was on TV that night.

So this week is also about A) fights you’ve been in, B) wanted to be in, C) wanted no part of, D) enjoyed watching (movie fights et al), and E) any other conflict (physical, verbal or mental) that you’ve gone through.

Truth be told, there's somewhat of a grading curve this week. The more haikus about professional wrestling (in particular 80s WWF wrestling), the happier I'll be. And feel free to bash it as the dumbest thing ever visited upon society; I gladly embrace dissenting viewpoints. I would have made this the sole topic, but all that drivel at the top is my attempt to broaden it out and make this sound like a more sophisticated topic than it really is. And to hopefully not have the women click away in disgust, which probably happened four paragraphs ago.

Anyway, Fight! Fight! Fight!

(Oh, and Surprise! Thanks, JSP!)


HandsomeStan said...

Steve Fucking Aneese
Cowardly hallway attack
Keeping your seat, bitch

Wrestled younger bro
Til he got taller than me
Heyyyyy, what’s up, big guy?

Karate Kid false
Point system highly suspect
Dutch could never lose

Last Thon gathering
Two chicks fought in parking lot
Almost like…for us

Van Damme: a pussy
One miracle comeback kick
Stupid Belgian ass

Macho Man Savage
Crushed Steamboat’s throat with ring bell
A savage indeed

Orndorff & Hogan
Tag team split by jealousy
Paul…how…how COULD you???

Catfreeek said...

If Tony & Brent
Truly engaged in a fight
My cash on my man

I'd rather reason
but some people are ignorant
and need their ass kicked

It's Monday night Raw
All gather at my abode
to pile drive my kids

Catfreeek said...

Learned one thing from Stan
Dis' Ultimate Warrior
you'll get your ass beat

Real bloodshed sucks ass
but the fake stuff is awesome
and it's my hobby

Zeke learned from Stan too
how to punch guys in the nuts
three year old vengeance

Catfreeek said...

Mad button pusher
bicycle kick to the face
Liu Kang wins again

I lost to Reptile
head ripped off and eaten whole

Baraka, my guy
Great fatalities he has
but I mastered none

Johnny Sweatpants said...

When Life’s got you down
There’s only one solution
Beat it in the face

Memory Lane stroll
I remember Steve Annese
Beady eyed dipshit

Steven Seagal knows
Revenge is necessary
A pipe in the ass

Missing ninja pie
There’s one way to settle this
Mortal Kombat II

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Stan vs. Thomas
Racquetball aftermath fight
I filmed the whole thing

Two egos collide
Racquetball, gentleman’s sport?
Apparently not

Which one won the match?
Doesn’t really matter much
I enjoyed the fight

Things were ironed out
Greatest lie I ever told
“We’ll erase the tape”

Catfreeek said...

The truth is revealed
That Handsome Stan is Not Me
Hey, let's kick his ass!

Brillo haired bully
Tortured in junior high school
I should have hit her

Me at six feet tall
she stood 5'6" at the most
I was such a wimp

She looked like a guy
At night I beat my pillow
I should have hit her

I can take some pain
child birth, tattoos, burns from work
why was I so scared

Manly brillo chick
If I ran into you now
you'd be a blood stain

Catfreeek said...

Lesbian goth girl
Only girl I ever hit
She tried to kiss me

Baby Head bathroom
The lights went out, she moved in
Pow! Right in the mouth

Windmill arms reeling
she slammed back through the stall door
Onto some girls lap

Two shocked faces stare
I turn and exit quickly
then laugh my ass off

Johnny Sweatpants said...

If push came to shove
I think I could take Tony
He'd weep like a girl

Sad, I can't prove this
He's 3,000 miles away
We'll never find out

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Jean Claude vs. Steve
Get the body bag prepared
Van Dammaged to hell

Octopunk said...

Fear, Catfreeek, fear
Any bully's stock in trade
Just ask Scut Farcus

Christmas Story thug
Each year I watch with such joy
As he gets pummelled

Haiku deja vu!
Since I've only won one fight
Fear topic covered:

"Remember clusters?
Kenny's bully cred was Red
Silver me knew not

With no rep to fear
He was just some weird fat kid
Deserving some pain

It's hard to look tough
After ten minutes on ground
Clutching and mewling"

Octopunk said...

Real fights are one punch
Or sometimes they're just one knee
Driven into gut

Catfreeek said...

Tony poised to fight
What's that blur in the distance
Brent running away

Octopunk said...

Segal's a fat fuck!
He'll lose fight to the Belgian
Then blame FBI

Catfreeek said...

Two older brothers
wrestling weekly tradition
ends with me in pain

My sister would leave
no interest men in tights
I watched every week

My brothers yelling
jumping up with excitement
I liked the midgets

Johnny Sweatpants said...

*Reading checker board*
"A very symbolic scene"
{{Sounds of pots and pans}}

HandsomeStan said...

Fatal Four Way match
In the haiku ring this week
No battle royal?

HandsomeStan said...

Hockey mask, cudgels
Psychotic Warrior gear
Beat Him In The Face

(this is going to get very inside joke-y very fast, unless people start running down to the ring from the locker room...)

I rushed this topic
Regret cross-pollination
High school, gaming...*sigh*

Octopunk said...

Whateva, sucka!
I kick ass on all topics!
Yer goin way dooowwwwwwnnn!

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Ok, wrestling
Where oh where do I begin?
Bad News Brown or Kane?

Kane tossed out 10 guys
That's an important record
Trash talk rights secure

Now I like Sheamus
Love it when he says "fella"
Irish found their man

Warrior, the best?
He lost his belt to the Sarge
"Ultimate" failure

Stan was a Hulkster
I always despised the champ
Self righteous jackass

Andre the Giant
There's a man we agree on
Lovable monster

Catfreeek said...

Andre the Giant
Hands the size of baseball mitts
hmmm...what else was huge?

Catfreeek said...

Haikuers hiding
perhaps the topic scares them
we should beat them up

AC said...

van damme, a pussy?
beat up tong po and chong li
and has a great ass

HandsomeStan said...

Nowwwww we're talkin! Sweet!
One way to lure AC out
Trash Van Damme's sad butt

AC said...

as a tomboy kid
i was fierce in local brawls
then puberty hit

after puberty
i limited the fistfights
to my own siblings

no violence now
not that i don't have the urge
just don't have the skills

HandsomeStan said...

(and to rebut the first-ever Cut Promo Haiku...ahem...)

You ain't got eight legs
Dragon picture don't scare me
Yeah I said it...Punk!

(I was kind of hoping this could also devolve into one long trash-haiku-ing session...dare to dream...)

Pants, you know better
The Warrior reigns supreme
Sarge Never Happened

Octopunk said...

Wrestling sucks pig ass
Movies have better fake fights
Obvious, really

HandsomeStan said...

"Local brawls" common?
Wish I'd seen that neighborhood
Sheeeeeit - here come AC!!!

Catfreeek said...

Making mental note
Don't ever piss off AC
face Powerpuff rage

HandsomeStan said...

JPX busy
Busy putting panties on
Over his diapers

AC said...

all too common, stan
a neighborhood of bullies
i had my paws full

now small and puny,
was big for my age back then
surprisingly tough

no worries cat dear
i suppress rage really well
you're all safe... for now

50PageMcGee said...

in dallas, '06
abasement in coffee shop
fight i should have had

went to use the john
fat douche used it before me
seat *drenched* in his piss

i knew whose it was
was in there moments before
left to get a book

as i sat wiping
dark plume of hate in my soul
daydream of revenge

**pee-paper in bag
walk up to Mario's seat
"i think you left this..."

he'd have thrown a punch
i'd have been ready for him
quick dodge, then counter

step on his feet first
(dudes always protect their nuts)
heel crunch down on toes

while he's bent over
heel of hand thrust into nose
hot bolts of brain pain

(a myth about that:
you can't drive nose into brain
i looked it up here)

punch to throat comes next
quick jab for maximum force
now fucko's a mess

temple kick comes next
rubber sole on pressure point
he's bloody *and* dazed

*now* comes foot to balls
might just take a running start
WHUMP, in the cherries

delicate meat orbs
givers of life and manhood
popped like fucking grapes

concussion, crushed toes
nads ground like hamburger meat
his own blood chokes him

but i'm not quite done
next, i jump on his rib cage

ribs crack on first stomp
exposed jagged shards through shirt
a crab on its back

each new stomp, more squish
play doh organs get pulpy
shoes covered in ick

bellowing war cry:
"i will [choke] i will"

midst the gore, i pant
god smiles upon my vengeance
dark angels sing hymns**

then, reality
just a loser in a john
with fire in his eyes

HandsomeStan said...

Silence descending
LOTR of all 'ku's
(slow, growing applause)

Octopunk said...

I too carry hate
Long after appropriate
But I'm less silly

Revenge fantasies
I save for those who hurt me
Not sloppy pissers

(I got fitty's back
But the topic is conflict
Trying to make some)

AC said...

now scared of fitty
in all my tomboy brawling
never went for nads

50PageMcGee said...

let me get this straight
your method of starting shit
is to *talk* to me?

*words* to a fist fight
i'll stab you with my pencil
ten times in the throat

Octopunk said...

Star Wheels, my birthday
Random Guido approaches
All friendly and nice

Here with his cousins
"Please don't bother those girls there"
I nod and say sure

It's all a setup
The girls begin taunting me
Until I flip them off

Then in comes Guido
All "I told you not to man"
Ruined my birthday

Called Mom for pickup
Running from situation
Guido hovers near me

That's when I attack
I took my skates off, you see
He's still wearing his

I push him backwards
Rolls stupidly into bench
Slams flat on his back

First stomp is the groin
Then a sneaker in the teeth
And then another

JPX, Gary
Join me for the rib kicking
Bitch cousins look on

Wheel on them, crazy
"Picked the wrong victim this time
Fucking cunt bitches!"

They cry and we leave
Bully broken and bloody
Spits teeth on carpet

In my mind of course
Spin this fantasy monthly
I hope that guy's dead

Do fun memories
Keep like humiliation?
God I sure hope so

This story, others
My anger undiminished
My mind movies rage

Me with time machine?
I would visit these fuckos
With ninja skills, bats

Yes, copied 50
His violence more epic
I'm mad he scooped me

No, jeez -- not THAT mad
50 McGee's my homie
Drama queen or not

Such revenge for pee?
I'm puzzled and horrified
Your demons scare mine

Guess I won't tell you
I peed in your sink last month
Kidding! Or am I?

Octopunk said...

Oh! You took my bait
While I was composing there
It's on now mofo

I'll block your pencil
Slam eraser in your nose
Open slap, both ears

While you are reeling
I'll pee on your white shag rug
Laughing my ass off

50PageMcGee said...

while octo is mid-piss
berserker rage rouses me
i sneak behind him

judo sweep the leg
elbow drop onto his spleen
spleen bursts on impact

Octopunk said...

Spleens are for pussies!
I rip mine out to prove it
Blind you with spleen juice

Spin kick your eyeball
It pops right across the room
Sweatpants swallows it

HandsomeStan said...

Two men have entered
It's Haiku Hell In The Cell!!!
One shall stand, one...fall

Hogan and Andre
Red Sox and Yanks. Dogs and cats.
Octo and Fitty!

An epic battle
Optimus and Megatron
Only haiku form

Octopunk said...

Grab Stan's megaphone
Put it on his head and whack!
Head vibrates like bell

HandsomeStan said...

Stagger into ref
Ref out cold. Pee on Punk.
He's impervious!

Fitty into rage
Attacks fan in the front row
Octo & Stan watch

Ooh look! A steel chair!
Hey Octo! Want to sit down?
THWAK!!! Octo out cold

HandsomeStan said...

Cherry blossoms fall
Like that chair on 50's head
Only much harder

50PageMcGee said...

octo's achilles
his own mirth -- i seize the chance
while he laughs at Pants

spy the fireplace tools
crack his skull with the poker
obvious first choice

next comes the bellows
plugged into mouth, pump pump pump
make an octo blimp

his lungs detonate
viscer spews from his smug lips
shovel for clean up

hit him with the broom
that's all that's left in the set
i'm a completist

HandsomeStan said...

Today, epic match
Tennis game went TEN hours
Oc-Fit may go more

HandsomeStan said...

Haiku wrestling rules
Glad there's foreign objects here
Ooh look! Some golf clubs!

Octopunk said...

I shrug off my hurt
With a vigorous head shake
And grin knowingly

Reach into pockets
Pull out two atomic bombs
And remove pins

One for the carpet
That I already peed on
The other I toss

Dive roll to Fifty
Snap the band of his boxers
He yelps in surprise

As his mouth opens
In drops the atomic bomb
My aim's good today

To protect myself
I open small parasol
Got from coyote

The blast is epic
Buildings kicked all over
Fifty's rug ruined

Fifty blinks stupid
Ha ha his face is sooty
Also: huge crater

The conflict resumes
Ninja hops over rubble
'Thonners watch agape

HandsomeStan said...

Best. Hump Day. Ever.
Good thing popcorn maker works
Chair, laptop (munch, munch)

50PageMcGee said...

ah! hubris again!
for thanks to atom bombs

with face-melt powers
i do some rearranging
now he's Uwe Boll

i tell him his movies suck
"worse than Michael Bay!"

Octopunk said...

Ouch! That's a good one
Flex my fist of face-melting...
Liza Minelli!

Octopunk said...

50 throws a punch
Morph Boll face into anvil
Humorous clang noise

50PageMcGee said...

where'd my last post go?
gotta redo from mem'ry
damned irritating


uh-oh -- anvil face
take a sec to strategize
turn to the front row

using melt-powers
i make us all look like Gretchen
hiding in plain sight

octo walks up, wary
"which gretchen is fitty P?"
sniffs with anvil nose

steps toward Cat-Gretchen
stealthy, i move behind him
and take a deep breath

(another a-bomb power)
octo melts again

octopuddle goop
reshape into giant nose
rub into my rug

bellowing war cry:
"no more," sniffs octo

HandsomeStan said...

The humanity!!!
How could it possibly end???
(Jordan's shadow lurks)

Octopunk said...

My sobs are a ruse
All Gretchens sticky

Find the flaming Gretch
And I rip out his rib cage
Throw it in bushes

Catfreeek said...

Cat Gretch grabs AC
Time to show these men whose boss
AC cracks knuckles

AC breaths in
and morphs into Powerpuff girl
Hits Octo in face

He staggers back stunned
She follows with a groin kick
He falls down clutching

and in the meantime
I throw cat in Fitty's face
Claws tear his eyes out

I stand poised ready
Juggling angry kittens
waiting to strike out

Fitty tries to see
Throwing pussies like grenades
I launch an attack

Catfreeek said...

Fitty clawed bleeding
cats run in all directions
hissing angrily

Octo's on his feet
AC-puff swings a golf club
connects to his jaw

Octo is flying
his back slams into the wall
knocking the wind out

Fitty is up now
trying to step on kitties
through blurry vision

I blind him again
a fist full of cat litter
scoopable of course

Octopunk said...

Two front cat attack!
Melt AC's club with my eyes
Cat's cats need a scheme

Utility belt
Provides flammable fish oil
I douse Stan and light

Fiery fish comet
Cats chase burning Stan down hill
Time for rocket fists

One second countdown
Catfreek left, AC on right
My fists roar away

Splendid connection
Satisfying crunching noise
They're down, but how long?

HandsomeStan said...

Dear lord, how to judge?
Thought the battle was over
Battle just begun

Thought Fitty had it
Poetic firepower
First Octo, then Cat

MEAN poetic scythe
Wielded by...just...everyone
Who Gets the Death Blow???

Haiku master's job
SO considerably hard
This week more than most

Told Fitty he's IN
Then The Big Attack Happened
Easy, now tough, Choice

HandsomeStan said...

Sucks that it takes up one line
Go watch III and IV

Main brilliant battles
Just like what you see here now

Octopunk said...

The rubble, it stirs
All three combatants emerge
Their eyes glowing red

No time for small toys
I deploy the Hand of God
Bass hum shakes LA

I rise glowing white
Grinning, pick up Canada
Smack those bitches up

Struck by huge landmass
My foes fly by strange vectors
Speed igniting them

Slam Catfreeek so hard
She flies right to Hawaii
Oahu destroyed

Ann to Atlantic
And for an added insult
Pigtail to meat hair

Save Fifty for last
Canada's massive backswing
Shifts the tides around

Slapped into orbit
He punches hole through the moon
And keeps on going

Replace Canada
Oops! I did it upside-down
Were dead anyway

Octopunk said...

Stan surveys wasteland
Shaking head and tut tutting
I sneak up behind

Heat vision? Doom breath?
Radiation arsenal
I opt for wedgie