Friday, June 25, 2010

HHD Results: …And NEWWWWWWW Haiku Heavyweight Champion!!!!…

How to put into words what happened Wednesday? I’ll sure as hell try…


In the wrestling biz, they refer to a “curtain match” as a main event SO compelling, that all the other wrestlers on the undercard gather around monitors behind the curtain backstage to watch, rather than just going home once they finished.

I had no way of predicting how the topic would be received, and for a while there in the late-afternoon hours, I was beginning to think I had blown it. We were having some fun up to that point, but it was just me, Pants, AC, Cat & Octo. Some good stuff was flying around, but I felt largely that everyone else had given a collective ehhh. Little did I know that what was building was one of the most epic and memorable days in Haiku History.

Enter 50PageMcGee. Much like the Ultimate Warrior, when he beat the Honky Tonk Man at Summerslam 89 for the Intercontinental Title, it looked like we had an Unstoppable Force, nothing but offensive firepower that could not be stopped.

WWF - Honky Tonk Man vs Ultimate Warrior - MyVideo
The match itself is only 30 seconds. Warrior’s post-match interview was twice as long. But this is what it felt like with 50’s first haiku.

Enter Octopunk. The proverbial Immovable Object, meeting the Unstoppable Force head on. What happens when the two collide? Not even Gorilla Monsoon could answer that question, as he asked it approximately 3,000 times over the course of his broadcasting career. (2,000 of which were accounted for in the two Hogan matches listed above.)

It’s 8 minutes, all of it good. The commentary is especially good, if you replace “Hulk Hogan” with “50Page” and “Andre” with “Octopunk.” Gorilla makes it to the 1:47 mark before he uses the phrase.

50 & Octo traded blows in a gladiatorial showdown the likes of which we’ve never seen. Like a hurricane fighting a tornado, or a mega shark fighting a giant octopus, it was a battle that can barely be explained – you simply just had to be there.

Or an Earthquake fighting a Typhoon

The sheer brilliance of it is that accidentally (or symbolically-on-purpose), the very topic brought out the best in these two. Rather than our usual collective wit-fest, we all became gradually aware that our roles were to sit back and enjoy the show. Octo & Fitty became the gladiators in a main event that I don’t think either of them planned on being in. We had all performed our duties on the undercard admirably, and now, the “curtain match” main event was at hand. And it did not disappoint.

Space limitations prevent me from reprinting their entire exchange, which of course you can find here. But here’s my highlights of some of the more impressive, devastating blows, taken from consecutive postings, so you can really witness the sheer seesaw nature of the battle. I begin with Octo’s first jab after 50s Revenge Fantasy (more on that later). The comments alternate between the two.

Revenge fantasies
I save for those who hurt me
Not sloppy pissers

let me get this straight
your method of starting shit
is to *talk* to me?

While you are reeling
I'll pee on your white shag rug
Laughing my ass off

judo sweep the leg
elbow drop onto his spleen
spleen bursts on impact

Spleens are for pussies!
I rip mine out to prove it
Blind you with spleen juice

next comes the bellows
plugged into mouth, pump pump pump
make an octo blimp

(This was midstream in the Fireplace Accessories series, but it was the one that KILLED me…and now, a double-roundhouse from Octo…)

As his mouth opens
In drops the atomic bomb
My aim's good today

To protect myself
I open small parasol
Got from coyote

(At this point, it was anybody’s match. I couldn’t tell WHO was going to emerge victorious. The parasol’s reappearance alone was nuclear.)

with face-melt powers
i do some rearranging
now he's Uwe Boll

50 throws a punch
Morph Boll face into anvil
Humorous clang noise

octopuddle goop
reshape into giant nose
rub into my rug

My sobs are a ruse
All Gretchens sticky

From here, the battle just turned insane. Not only was all of Horrorthon involved, but then Octo pretty much went berserk, laying waste to all of us, along with Hawaii, California, and Canada. His big finish:

Stan surveys wasteland
Shaking head and tut tutting
I sneak up behind

Heat vision? Doom breath?
Radiation arsenal
I opt for wedgie

The best part of this haiku battle was that it had everything, intelligence, wit, humor, incredible imagery, cartoon-like flights of fancy, celebrities, and all of us. The worst part of it was that I got wedgied at the end. Taking nothing away from Octo’s superlative, valiant, brilliant retaliation, BUT…for starting it all off with an epic haiku series about a revenge fantasy on a sloppy piss job that had by turns, almost all of the above elements, for inspiring the rest of us (Octo more than anyone) to lofty heights, for those reasons, (let's go to Howard Finkel at ringside), the winner of this bout…and NEWWWWWWWW Haiku Heavyweight Champion…


The crowd goes berserk
Octopunk can’t believe it!
Parasol wilting


HandsomeStan said...

Of course, the undercard had its brilliant moments, too, I just couldn't list EVERYTHING about the day that was awesome.

I'm still curious as to which "Summer" haiku got me the title, however. Pants? Hello?

Octopunk said...

I am also curious about that.

Congratulations 50 Page McGee! I am not surprised in the least. I was telling the truth when I said he'd scooped me, and he deserves win cred for the opening revenge tale by itself. Plus, it would've seemed a weird victory for me after writing myself victorious. I applaud the decision with my Hand of God still deployed, thereby accidentally destroying the Earth's crust in most of the Western hemisphere.

Octopunk said...

I still have to pick out some faves, but I have to say I was tickled to death to have HandsomeStan's theme of conflict become an actual conflict with 17-syllable punches. And I was amped when Cat said "fuck the sidelines" and started throwing cats and litter around. I'm chuckling about it right now.

Octopunk said...

Okay, a quickly-pasted bundle of Octofaves:


When Life’s got you down
There’s only one solution
Beat it in the face


Manly brillo chick
If I ran into you now
you'd be a blood stain

(actually the first of us to swear revenge on our old bullies/sloppy pissers)


but i'm not quite done
next, i jump on his rib cage

(Also mad cred for the whole radiation=superpowers thing, which turned out to be more fun than my cartoon violence thing.)


Cherry blossoms fall
Like that chair on 50's head
Only much harder

And I have to be a jerk and tout two of my own that I was proud of. First one's just a line I liked:

Flex my fist of face-melting...

And for the second I was just going to reprint the last line, but re-reading I realized I dug the whole thing.

Fiery fish comet
Cats chase burning Stan down hill
Time for rocket fists

That isn't all of everyone's good ones, either. But I'm going to lunch.

Catfreeek said...

This was an obvious victory for 50P, he pulled out all the stops and set the rest in motion. Congrats Stan for hosting a fan-fucking-tastic Haiku Hump Day and huge congrats to 50P for inspiring the rest of us.

Octopunk said...

Obvious? You're just mad that I hit you with Canada.

Catfreeek said...

Pllllllllllllttttttt (that was a raspberry)

AC said...

well played fitty! well played all! hilarious mayhem all 'round.

Catfreeek said...

My favorites were:

Johnny Sweatpants said...

If push came to shove
I think I could take Tony
He'd weep like a girl

I personally found this hilarious.

AC said...

as a tomboy kid
i was fierce in local brawls
then puberty hit

no worries cat dear
i suppress rage really well
you're all safe... for now

Awesome in so many ways!

HandsomeStan said...

JPX busy
Busy putting panties on
Over his diapers


50PageMcGee said...

delicate meat orbs
givers of life and manhood
popped like fucking grapes

So visually gross that it's nothing short of a masterpiece.

Octopunk said...

To protect myself
I open small parasol
Got from coyote

I really loved the many cartoon references, this one was my favorite.

50PageMcGee said...

i'd like to thank god for giving me the strength when i needed it most. i'd like to thank you, the fans, for coming out and spending your hard earned dough to watch me do my thing. this bud's for you, y'all.

Freeek gave me my first laugh of the day:

Tony poised to fight
What's that blur in the distance
Brent running away

i loved the cartoon imagery going on here -- made me love jsp, and think he's a chickenshit, all at the same time, which, i guess was the point.

also, as i posted in a comment on her FB page, "throwing pussies like grenades," ought to be a rap lyric. brilliant.

i loved AC's "great ass" haiku. there's the nerd-cred factor -- she clearly geeked out on bloodsport and kickboxer, as much as i did. but there's also the reminder that those movies had a certain appeal i was never aware of, having never seen them with a horny teenage girl.

i also have to give a nod to our host. he came up with a great topic, with bountiful possibilities for people to bring the funny.

anyone who was ever a fan of pro wrestling (i was huge into it until i turned maybe 11 -- when i started to lose track of all the new wrestlers coming in, and also i discovered porno) understands that there's more to it than dudes throwing each other around a ring and mugging a lot. there are traditions. true fans know them well. one of them is the old announcer/referee-accidentally-gets-his-ass-kicked-in-the-melee routine. and at that, stan played the part beautifully.

Octo: Grab Stan's megaphone
Put it on his head and whack!
Head vibrates like bell

Stan: Stagger into ref
Ref out cold. Pee on Punk.
He's impervious!

the cherry blossoms fall haiku was your shining moment.

and finally, my worthy adversary...

octo hit a number of home runs that day. one of them, literally, used me as the ball and canada as the bat.

Save Fifty for last
Canada's massive backswing
Shifts the tides around

Slapped into orbit
He punches hole through the moon
And keeps on going

there's this great Dolomite vs. Big Daddy Kane track that Julie turned us onto. it's the two of them making outrageous claims about their various prowesses and talking deep shit about the other.

"I've been slapped by a bear and bit by an eel
I chew up railroad iron, and shit out steel!
I jumped in the ocean and swallowed a whale
Handcuff lightning and throw THUNDER's ass in jail"

this is the level of cartoon-awesome that octo was hitting. and he hit it repeatedly throughout the day. i could pick almost anything he said as a favorite.

anyhow, thanks for the belt, stanny, and the great topic. i have big shoes to fill for next week.


HandsomeStan said...

You guys made it into the Wednesday Night's Main Event that it was. I want to make "I Was There..." T-shirts.

Thanks for the props on the steel chair and Out Cold Ref bits. I was just happy I got to work those in.

I've noticed Pants is being especially coy. What's the deal, Johnny? You can talk about Toy Story 3, but not this?

CROWD: Ooooooooooh-hoo-hoo!!!

DCD said...

I laughed my ass off reading them all. Wonderfully done, all round! Congrats 50!