Friday, October 05, 2012

Chopping Mall

(1986) ***

Chopping Mall has everything you would expect and want in a campy 80's horror movie. It excels in no particular category. The performances and effects are all pretty well middle-of-the-road for the era. There's a head-detonation shot on par with the one from Scanners. There's a handful of 30 second cameos by people you recognize from other more famous 80's flicks (Mary Woronov, Dick Miller, Gerrit Graham). There's one superb quintessential tit shot. It's altogether not an unpleasant way to use up an hour and a half of what you have left of your existence. Much the same could be said of this review you're reading, if you were to spend an hour and a half reading it. Go ahead. Let that time just melt away into the past.

Eight horny teenagers are hunted down by a trio of robots commissioned to handle nighttime security at an LA shopping mall (actually, it's the Beverly Center, which looks exactly the same today.)

That electrical storm is still zapping away above it too. Well known LA "insider" fact.

There isn't really a whole lot else to say about Chopping Mall that I didn't cover in the first paragraph. So for those of you who want to make that hour and a half you spend reading this (slowly letting the sand trickle from the top of Father Time's hourglass to the bottom) go by a little quicker, let me point out some smaller details that caught my attention.


There's this guy, who for the purposes of this review, we'll call Beef Buttstacks. Beef is exactly the mid-80's jock douche you think he is just by looking at him. He chews on that same piece of gum throughout every one of his scenes. Loudly. With his mouth open. It's a little disturbing later when he gets up from the bed on which he's just gone down on his girlfriend and he's still chewing the gum. You may now spend the next 1 minute of your 1.5 hours shuddering. Go.

On a side note, that's Beef's girlfriend in the top photo. We'll call her Tits Fabulous because she's the one in the quintessential boob shot. She's also the one who gets her head blown up, making her the emotional lightning rod of this entire film. Oh wait. Spoiler above. Sorry.

Also, if I'm to believe Chopping Mall, sporting goods stores in the 80's used to stock their heavy firearms at the front of the store near the entrance - conveniently, right across from all the ammunition. I wish we still did this. It would make gun shopping so much less of a pain in the ass than it's grown to be. Fucking Democrats ruin everything.


The last thing I wanted to point out is that you should be careful in paint stores. According to Chopping Mall, if you have a few open cans of paint, a few open cans of thinner, and one flare, you can do this to a paint store.

No, I mean it. You can do it. Go.

11 comments:

Catfreeek said...

I vaguely remember this film, more so the title than the film itself. Looks pretty fun in a retro sort of way and your review is hilarious.

Octopunk said...

I know it doesn't mean this but I keep thinking "quintessential boob shot" means we see five boobs.

Man that does not look like a life-threatening robot in that picture. Can it go on stairs?

Johnny Sweatpants said...

"Chopping Mall", I love it! It's like a shopping mall except instead of shopping you get chopped up to pieces! I must ask - are there any dismembered limbs in the movie?

That review simultaneously hilarious and depressing. Thanks for the friendly reminder that the clock is ticking and we're gonna die!

50PageMcGee said...

they can go up escalators (which are running the whole night), and they can program the elevators.

also, they shoot lasers strong enough to blow up a head at full power.

50PageMcGee said...

@pants, interestingly there is *no* chopping going on in this entire movie. not a single dismemberment. in fact, i'll list all the deaths below.


*SPOILER ALERT*

*WATCH OUT! I'MA SPOILER YOU*

*DON'T LOOK*

okay...

death 1 - security guard 1 - stabbed in chest with robot arm

death 2 - security guard 2 (gerrit graham) - (can't remember - another stabbing? not a dismemberment.)

death 3 - janitor (dick miller) - electrocution (soapy floor)

death 4 - beef buttstacks - neck slicing (unseen) after tranq dart (seen)

death 5 - tits fabulous - laser head blow-up

death 6 - panicky girl - gasoline fire

death 7 - panicky girl's temporarily insane bf - knocked over railing from top floor of mall

death 8 - resourceful girl - gutshot with laser

death 9 - resourceful girl's resourceful bf - electrocution on sparky robot (distraught panic move)

Octopunk said...

Why don't you marry the exploding head since you can't stop talking about it?

50PageMcGee said...

oh, i will. but just remember, you're going to have to pretend that you like her/it when you toast us at our wedding.

Johnny Sweatpants said...

It's early on but that Beef Buttstacks image is the front runner for best screen grab.

DCD said...

I love the background on the shot of Beef, is that a bedsheet? Awesome review, 50.

We're all gonna be invited to the wedding, right?

Landshark said...

Yeah, I just came back to this review to check out Beef Buttstacks again.

AC said...

***** review.