Bloodrayne

(2005) **1/2

Yeah, so I watched the third Uwe Boll movie. It was better than the other two but all that did was make it less fun to goof on Uwe Boll, of course maybe I'm just saying that because I don't want the big bad German man to hit me.

I think I said in a comment somewhere that Uwe Boll knows how to get movies made but he has no idea how to make a movie. Seeing this I know it's worse: he doesn't care how to make a movie. Here he's got Ben Kingsley and some other real actors, and he can't be bothered to tell them to act. All the men's performances are either stiff and understated, like Ben Kingsley's evil vampire overlord that mostly just sits upright in his chair, or overly mellow and understated, like vampire-killer Michael Madsen, wheezing through his lines like he's in a happy whiskey haze, not caring about his ridiculous Billy Ray Cyrus haircut. The two women have more going on (sort of), inasmuch as Michelle Rodriguez is constantly sneering and Kristanna Loken has a constant intense look of intensity on her face.

I was not impressed with our leading lady. I don't know if it was Boll's nonexistent direction or her own lack of talent, but she was mediocrity personified in a leather bodice. And her much-touted sex scene is not a reason to tune in, in case you were wondering.

The plot involves some vampire crap. It's medieval-y times, and the gore factor is boosted by some bloody sword fights and vampire attacks. The action is so-so, i.e. not as dreadfully boring as the action in Underworld. But it's really hard to care, and at the end Rayne sits down and reflects on the movie for two minutes, so we can see some footage again. Roll eyes.