Thursday, April 02, 2009

Hump 'zults!



Awesome Haiku Day through and through. I laughed, I cried, pumped my fist then I laughed some more. There was some fierce competition and I still haven’t picked a winner as I type this. But enough with the pleasantries. Both 50 Page McGee and Catfreeek committed Hump Day suicide by dissing KISS in front of a judge who is a self-proclaimed “Kisstorian” (and not to mention has a reputation for being petty and vindictive.)

Think you're bad-ass, KISS?
Rap artists wouldn't think twice
Before shooting you

The mere thought of gangsta violence against the Space Ace depressed me for a few minutes and that was the end of Fitty. Catfreeek followed suit and shot herself in the foot with:

I'm sad to confess
Never really into KISS
must be a guy thing

A more acceptable entry might have gone something like:

I'm sad to confess
Never really into KISS
Clearly I’m crazy

(I'm putting the rest of the results in the comments section 'cuz I go on for a while...)

6 comments:

Johnny Sweatpants said...

Ok, onto the nominees… The Brain tackled the challenge of a topic not up her alley with candor, grace and a valid argument.

Some songs - I can deal.
Others just sound SO yell-y
Not a metal girl.

Octopunk had me rolling twice. First with:

I've got a riddle
What has nine arms and sucks? Stuck?
Answer: Def Leppard

I heard Octo recap his experience of seeing Mountain (?, what kind of a f’in name is “Mountain”?) before but never in haiku form:

For real he said this:
"When a spark goes in your ass
It can feel reeeeal good"

That’s just beyond funny and only now do I fully understand why that those words stayed with him for decades.

Handsome Stan churned out some instant classics, as usual:

After the GWAR show
My bathtub had a green ring
Now THAT'S rock n roll

And then there’s the knockout punch after a flurry of Def Leppard jabs.

"Armageddon It"
There's bunny rabbit slippers
IN the video

I investigated this claim for quality purposes and sure enough – bunny rabbit slippers. Def Leppard became the unexpected punching of the week. For the record, I like them and own 3 of their albums but I’m not about to get defensive the way I do with KISS. The Handsome One also earned extra credit for attempting to articulate why heavy metal is so important to him:

Pumping forearm clenched
You still don't get it, do you?
I feel like a tank

Now that's some top notched shit.

My favorites from JPX –

'Memba Autograph?
Sang, "Turn up the radio!"
Never turned it up

and

"Shout at the Devil"
An anthem to get behind
Headbanger's delight

The first one is quite simply a gutbuster. The latter reads just as the song plays. Simple, straightforward and effective.

Chris struck gold with his ode to Spinal Tap’s Big Bottom. It’s always risky when you try to be funny using material that’s already hilarious on its own but he pulled it off effortlessly:

David St. Hubbins
Extols grandiose asses.
Bum cakes anyone?

This “G” character also offered up a Spinal Tap gem of his own:

amps at eleven
armadillos in trousers
smell the glove, honey

He also made me think and stuff with this Quiet Riot noodle scratcher:

cum on feel the noize
contradicts your hushed namesake
are coffins soundproof?

I still don’t understand the coffin bit but that’s a damn fine haiku regardless. And finally I loved Desroc's nod to the aging hair band's plight. (I had to disqualify it because it strayed from the 5-7-5 syllable count but it's perfect otherwise.)

forty plus rockers
spandex looks really nice
keep the faith boys

Ok... Judging is not nearly as much fun as I anticipated. It's actually quite stressful. But after much agonizing deliberation

the

winner

is

...

CHRIS!

Bum cakes all around!

Catfreeek said...

Congrats Chris! Great haikuing!

JSP-:Þ

JPX said...

I've been robbed!

Congrats, Chris! I look forward to seeing your topic next week.

Robbed I tell ya!

PS. Jerk

Chris said...

Thanks Johnny, I'm speechless! I'm completely honored to have won the Heavy F@cking Metal edition of Haiku Humpday. The surprise is ironically highlighted by the fact that I found the results while listening to my Brett Dennen channel on Pandora.

Great haiku everyone, and thanks for letting me play. I'll do my best to represent well next week!

HandsomeStan said...

I really liked JPX's "Never turned it up." Chris totally did hit the funny bone, though.

Congratulations, Chris, and thanks for the props, JSP!

You're dead to me now!

nowandzen said...

Great job all and congrats Chris. I have been getting owned by my new job and have no way to haiku at the moment except now...

Crappy job for now
Career took a turn for worst
Stimulus smack down